Grimm?s Fairy Tales. Beloved, overly twee fables that have taught generation upon generation about simple truths like honesty, fidelity and all sorts of traditional virtues. Beloved by thousands upon thousands of people for hundreds of years, these simple stories have been translated into languages around the globe as well as being an essential document for Walt Disney Studios to crib from for decades.
All very nice, but it does sounds about as dull as your average Palin. You know what they need? Explosions! Mismatched buddies storylines! Michael Bay! Everything exploding into your face in 3 ? D! Yeah!
The only trouble is which one to choose. All the obvious ones have been taken, and it needs to be something that lends itself to having bits flying at the screen every couple of seconds. And, it needs to remain half-coherent after Bay has taken his editing lawnmower to it. The obvious answer is surely that old German folk-tale ?The Boy That Goes To War In The Exploding Country And Has Adventures With Guns And Rockets And People Going ?Whoah? And Megan Fox?s Arse And That?.
But that's already been optioned, or doesn't exist. So they've had to make do with Hansel and Gretel.
Forget Avatar, or whatever the newest 3D cash cow is, Michael Bay has decided that old middle-European folk stories are where it's at! In what is apparently not a joke, Bay?s press team hissed:
?Hansel and Gretel in 3D? is an action packed visual FX filled version of the classic Grimm Brothers? fairytale. In addition to the infamous witch in the gingerbread house, the film showcases the legendary creatures of German mythology
Legendary creatures? That would be a couple of stupid, hungry children, an old woman intent on defending her home, a clueless father and the standard evil stepmum. Unless they insert a jive-talking Hippogriff, an exploding robot, or a talking axe that can transform into a steamtrain with lasers, everyone who goes to see it can sue for being a big waste of time and of the word ?legendary?.
On the plus side, you\’ll get your ?1.50 back from the pair of thick plastic glasses formed into a branded ?H? and ?G? shape that you\’ll never even consider wearing in public again. On the down side, you\’ll have wasted yet another two and a half hours watching a bloated, incomprehensible, seizure inducing, marketing wankjob.
Besides, of all the other stories to adapt, they could have chosen something slightly more interesting sounding. How about ?The Mouse, the Bird, and the Sausage’? Admittedly, that's just a better choice because it sounds like the most interesting porn film you've ever heard of, but as a bonus it's almost guaranteed to not revolve around a couple of obese children literally trying to eat the house of an elderly woman.
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