Do you remember when a new superhero movie was exciting? We do. It hasn’t happened for a while, though, because there are so many of them.
The big name superhero movies still make people jump up and down like sugar-addled toddlers. Batman Begins was one of this summer’s biggest hits; both Spiderman films sit nicely in the top ten list of biggest movies ever, and the new Superman movie is eagerly anticipated.
But the others? Who cares? The relative failures of Daredevil (DVDs), Elektra and The Punisher have shown that people just don’t care about the bland, lower-league superheroes.
That’s why it’s a shame that Marvel has just announced it is to make about a gazillion division-four superhero movies.
Marvel Entertainment has just been created. In effect, it’s the Marvel movie studio. Before now, the comic book company didn’t produce their own movies, but now they can. Paramount will market and distribute the new films, which have all been given a speculated budget of between $50 million -$165 million dollars.
The Marvel people are excited because they have around 5,000 characters to make movies with – they see a long and prosperous future. There are two problems that we can see with this.
One: All they’re going to make, as far as we can tell, are superhero movies. If they’re not careful, Marvel will end up like Hammer or Carry On, peddling the same product in a slightly repackaged way until everyone is completely bored with them.
Two: If the first ten movies announced are anything to go by, they’ve already run out of decent characters. Here are the movies Marvel has in development…
Captain America – Great, just what the world needs right now, a movie about a bloke with ridiculous turn-ups kicking the rest of the planet’s arse at everything. We’re sure it’ll be very popular in America, but the Captain America movie might not turn out to be too hot globally.
The Avengers – This one might not be so bad, seeing as The Avengers are basically a group of about a thousand superheroes. It’ll only be good, though, if they show The Avengers off duty; playing pool, hoovering, watching Richard And Judy etc…
Nick Fury – A superhero so rubbish that David Hasselhoff has already played him in a movie. He’s a soldier. And that’s it. No flying, no eye-lasers, no stretchy arms, no nothing. Next.
Black Panther – Astonishingly, there are 14 Marvel characters that start with the word ‘black’. Black Panther is a normal human made powerful by ingesting a special herb every now and again. For recreational purposes, of course…
Ant-Man – Ant-Man! Ant-Man! He’s a man that can go all small like an ant! Brilliant!
Cloak And Dagger – You guessed it, a double act. One named Cloak, because he has a cloak, and one named Dagger because, um, she glows. Why is she called Dagger? Because Cloak And Glow would sound a bit crap.
Dr. Strange – The gayest-looking superhero in the world isn’t a real doctor, but he can do a bit of magic here and there.
Hawkeye – He’s an archer. But an archer in a silly helmet.
Power Pack – A pack of super-kids, all with the surname Power. Somehow, we get the feeling this will be even worse than it sounds.
Shang-Chi – Generic kung-fu bloke.
Thanks Marvel, we’re really looking forward to seeing these…
Read more:
Marvel in control of own universe – Reuters
[story by Stuart Heritage]