First things first: suicide isn't funny – it's the final desperate act of an individual with nothing left to live for. However, false reports of one of the Osmonds trying to kill themselves is a little tiny bit funny.
Marie Osmond has been at the centre of a load of talk over rumours that she tried doing herself in with pills recently, with The National Enquirer even printing a story about it. But those rumours were wide of the mark, according to people who know Marie Osmond. Yes, she took some pills, blacked out and was rushed to hospital, but not because she was trying to kill herself. Maybe Marie Osmond was simply trying to get the image of that creepy talking teddy bear with the glowing eyes that her brother Jimmy took onto I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here out of her head. She certainly wouldn't be the first to turn to pharmaceuticals to do that.
The Osmonds were kind of the white Mormon Jackson Five that it was OK not to make giraffe blood jokes about. Thanks to the showbiz-lubed loins of Ma and Pa Osmond, the world has been graced with hits like Crazy Horses, Long Haired Lover From Liverpool and One Bad Apple. Not that Marie Osmond had much to do with any of these, of course – she was too busy singing Paper Roses and planning on taking over the world via QVC with her terrifying range of collectible porcelain dolls.
Recently The National Enquirer reported that Marie Osmond had necked a load of pills in a failed suicide attempt. Quite why she'd do this was a bit of a mystery, since she still has a smile big enough to knock helicopters from the sky. Perhaps the dolls told her to do it, nobody thought, or perhaps the stress of discovering that her kids had been a bit sexy on their MySpace pages did her in. Nobody knew.
But now they do, since Marie Osmond wasn't trying to kill herself at all – it was all just a big accident. According to her slave Amy Hawkes, this is what happened:
"She basically had an adverse reaction to some medication she was taking and she blacked out. She's doing fine. She's vacationing with her family right now."
There's been no word on the type or amount of medication that Marie Osmond had an adverse reaction to, but there's some speculation that it could be anti-depressants, since Marie Osmond has battled with post-partum depression so much in the past that she wrote a book about it, entitled Behind the Smile: My Journey out of Postpartum Depression.
In this litigious day and age, you'd expect that a celebrity would sue a publication for falsely claiming that they were trying to kill themselves – after all, if Kate Hudson can sue for being called skinny someone who's falsely reported to be suicidal can – but Marie Osmond doesn't seem to be doing this yet according to another of her slaves, Karl Engemann:
"We deal with those tabloids all the time. You get tired of responding. It's like punching Jell-O."
Let's hope that Marie Osmond makes a quick recovery from this setback, which we're sure will happen so long as Jimmy Osmond doesn't bring the teddy bear with the glowing eyes that chants "I love you daddy" with the voice of several children to see her. Seriously, that thing freaks the shit out of us.
Read more:
Marie Osmond's Rep denies suicide attempt – People
[story by Stuart Heritage]