Hey man, don't sit around feeling all sorry for Madonna because she hasn't got a boyfriend. That would be a massive waste of time.
Instead, peruse the list of potential suitors below, and decide which one you would consider a worthy follow-up to that pouting Jesus character who recently made a run for it.
Madonna, take your pick.
You're welcome.
Danny Dyer
If we've picked up any clues from Madonna?s marriages, it's that she likes her men to be slightly violent (Sean Penn), and a little bit cockney (Guy Ritchie). Of course, at this point most people would claim that Guy Ritchie just pretends to be an East End barrow boy, whilst he's actually a pipe smoking posho. But we shan?t be doing that. Instead, might we suggest that Madonna gives Danny Dyer a go? He actually is a filthy cockney bugger, and something about the way he appears affected by all manner of physical jerks and random facial ticks suggests that were you to surprise him with a sneeze, his impulsive reaction would be to punch you in the throat. Madonna would definitely be drawn to that kind of danger.
Britney Spears
These two have unfinished business. Remember the kiss they did that time? The one where Justin Timberlake sat in the audience with steam coming out of his ears, and the planet actually jolted slightly off orbit because the whole of China hid an erection in unison? Yeah, that was some hot stuff right there. With both girls in the midst of what's known in the trade as ?having a bit of a moment?, it might be time to get naked ? all except for their matching red Kabbalah bracelets ? and do whatever it is that women in love do when there's no man involved in the mix. Probably just touch tongues and compare nails, we suspect.
Willem Defoe
No matter how good the actors are, you can't fake on-screen chemistry. You've either got it, or you don't? got it. And, sweet baby Moses, Madonna and Willem Defoe had so much chemistry in Body of Evidence that they could probably have manufactured some kind of sulphuric explosion just by glancing at one another. Him with the gargoyle-face, her biting his nips, and smearing bubbling handfuls of wax into his underpants ? it was steamy. Had that coffee shop lady from When Harry Met Sally been in the bedroom while they were doing it, she'd have asked the waiter for what Madonna was having, not Meg Ryan. That's how sexy it was. Really really sexy.
Eminem
Back in the 1990s, Madonna famously opted to craft a coffee table book of nude shots, accompanied by hand written pornographic details about exactly how she likes her love making to pan out. One such photograph featured the hardcore street rapper Robert Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice) cupping one of her bosoms, and saying something presumed to be rather revolting in her ear. Unfortunately, Vanilla probably lacks the necessary profile to pick up where the pair left off, so perhaps she might settle for a modern day re-enactment with his rightful heir, Eminem? Alternatively, she could wile away the evenings reliving the shot where she pops on a nipple-less outfit and attempts to remove hot toffee from her finger without using her hands? Her choice.
Nick Jonas
Of course, Madonna could just continue the trend of stepping out with increasingly younger men, following 23-year-old Jesus with one of the Jonas Sisters ? of whom we?d recommend 17-year-old Nick. He's a good God-fearing young man, that one, and exactly the kind of quivering virgin needed to add an extra coil to the spring in Madonna?s step. Once his nervous shrieking and relentless praying for forgiveness becomes too much, she can move effortlessly on, safe in the knowledge that at least one teenager will never again be able to hear the opening to Like a Virgin without immediately stress puking and falling into a temporary standing coma until it ends. Job done.
This was a guest blog by Josh Burt, whose Interestment comedy nights are quickly becoming the stuff of legend.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter