Tonight, the top 13 American Idol contestants take part in the first of this year’s soul-destroying live finals.
So, you know, hooray for that. The American Idol finalists are gently being eased into the competition, because tonight is Michael Jackson night and therefore all they need to do to impress the judges is squeak a lot and, if possible, turn into either a giant plasticine rabbit or quite a nice car.
However, there’s just one thing wrong here – we don’t actually know who any of the top 13 American Idol contestants actually are. So we suppose we should bloody find out, then…
American Idol Contestant 1 – Anoop Desai. FACT: Anoop made it into the American Idol finals via the Wild Card round. As we all know, this means that Anoop Desai is terrible and won’t win.
American Idol Contestant 2 – Adam Lambert. FACT: If you crept into Pete Wentz‘s bedroom at night and attacked his testicles with a Ped Egg, the resulting audio-visual spectacle would be exactly the same as when Adam Lambert sings.
American Idol Contestant 3 – Allison Iraheta. FACT: Allison Iraheta was originally going to be called ‘Alison Irata’ but the woman who filled in her birth certificate was both dyslexic and spiteful.
American Idol Contestant 4 – Megan Joy. FACT: Megan Joy’s extensive tattoos are there to disguise the fact that her arms are covered in nipples. BONUS FACT: Never type ‘Megan Joy’ into Google Images without having Safesearch on first.
American Idol Contestant 5 – Kris Allen. FACT: Kris Allen couldn’t be any blander if he was made from nothing but wet dust.
American Idol Contestant 6 – Alexis Grace. FACT: If the redhead from Mythbusters wore a hat and was generally unbearable to be around, she’d often be mistaken for Alexis Grace’s twin sister.
American Idol Contestant 7 – Jorge Nu?ez. FACT: Jorge Nu?ez’s monobrow is evil, and constantly tries to make him defraud the gentry.
American Idol Contestant 8 – Matt Giraud. FACT: When Matt Giraud sings, he pulls the exact same face that girls do when you fart and hold their heads under the duvet.
American Idol Contestant 9 – Lil Rounds. FACT: Lil Rounds is the sister of Lil Kim, cousin of Lil Bow Wow and great aunt of sickly carbonated tropical drink Lilt.
American Idol Contestant 10 – Scott MacIntrye. FACT: Scott MacIntyre has got shit hair and the demeanour of a vicious murderer.
American Idol Contestant 11 – Michael Sarvner. FACT: Michael Sarvner is both ginger and fat. This means he’ll get the American Idol disabled pity vote even more than the blind bloke.
American Idol Contestant 12 – Jasmine Murray. FACT: Jasmine Murray’s favourite colour is either blue or yellow, we’d imagine. Or orange. We don’t know.
American Idol Contestant 13 – Danny Gokey. FACT: Danny Gokey is the one who’ll win American Idol because his wife died.
There. Don’t forget to print this story off before tonight’s American Idol. It won’t help you in the slightest, but at least you’ll be able to either suffocate yourself with it or papercut your ears off if anyone attempts to sing Earth Song.
You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!