Damn it. DAMN IT. Daisy Lowe and Matt Smith have only gone and split up! And broken each other’s hearts and stopped putting aromatic lotions on each other! And frittered away 18 months of honing the beauty of a perfectly entwined soul that came as one when once their eyes first met at presumably a GQ event, but not that that matters, because minor details are futile when you think of the devotion and unity that two people can sha…
Okay, we’re faffing. Not the time to faff, clearly.
So, alright. This has happened. This has happened, and now we have to deal with it. Well, we know what you want. You want the official statement to try and understand why this has happened. ?WHY? Why NOW, so close to Christmas? ?Why now, so soon after the emotional minefield of Olly Murs’ Children in Need video?
And here’s the other thing – there IS no official statement.
No, we’re not kidding. Why would we joke? Do you think this is funny? Do you think journalism is funny? Well – ?it’s not funny. If it was funny, Max Clifford would buy a Babylis Crazy Braid, we’d all just go mental and spell it JURNOLIZUM, and nobody would think their murdered daughter might have come back from the dead, right?
RIGHT.
Alright, fine. No official statement. No biggie. Let’s just piece together what we do know, and try and get a little brainstorming session going. What we DO know, is that a very honest gentleman and founder of very very VERY deeply routed friendship with Matt Smith, whom we only know as, A. Source, (Let’s call him Adolpho, which means ‘Noble Wolf’ in German, for the sake of ease) has reluctantly divulged:
“‘Whenever engagement and marriage was mentioned he was uncomfortable. He’s still a young man and the thought of being tied down was a lot to digest.”
But Adolpho! What about Nietzsche? You know, when he was all “There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness?” ?Or when Ed Sheernan said ‘Cos all the HEROIN is making you age, but you’re a HEROINE for taking the strain of being a prostitute and punching bag?‘
Exactly. What Ed and Nietzsche are basically saying here, Adolpho, is that sometimes love is hard, but does that really warrant ceasing to hand bang Daisy Lowe? No, Adolpho, it does not.
Alas, this is exactly what has happened. So, as the old saying goes: If you can’t beat them, cobble together some derogatory quips about the demise of two people who once probably held each other in their arms and we’re genuinely happy – via the process of DAMN GOOD PUNS!
DAMN GOOD PUNS!
Doctor Ooh. That’s a shame.
The Sun went with ‘Sex-terminate.’
We’re fine.