We’ve been rumbled. At least, that’s what it sounds like. See, Lindsay Lohan has become afraid, threatened and targeted. All things you could blame useless, leeching shits like us for. However, she’s under the impression its a stalker that is causing her bother, which means we can get on with our business.
So while a poor, defenceless stalker is being blamed for her disposition – so much so that people at Betty Ford are taking measures to protect her, we continue to write pithy, near-fictional articles with bad jokes crow-barred in.
What’s all the fuss then?
Well, sources close to WHO CARES WHO? WE RUN THIS RUBBISH ANYWAY, tell us that Lindsay has been receiving harassing phone calls and text messages from unknown numbers.
The unidentified person behind them has been making disparaging statements about her recovery and her family.
Now. Lets think. We’ve slagged her dad off and laughed and poked fun at her penchant for hoovering entire molehills of good quality class A drugs up her ravaged nostrils. The phone-calls? Well, if she actually picked the phone up instead of glaring at the ‘unknown’ British number, she’d find that we were ringing her for one of two reasons.
1. That we’re only joking around with her because, for some reason, we’ve grown quite fond of her during this whole meltdown.
2. Does she want anything from the shop.
Now, the source says that the unknown person is saying that they know where Lindsay is staying and that they are watching her.
Again, this is a simple misunderstanding. We know she’s staying at the Betty Ford clinic and we just happen to be watching a DVD of Mean Girls. That’s all. Nice and innocent.
And now, spoilsport Betty Ford officials are going to move their most famous patient to a more secure, private facility. Presumably, this new secure area will ensure that LiLo can’t get a signal for her mobile because… well… if she can, we’ll just keep ringing her up.
So there you have it. Problem solved. Lindsay doesn’t have a stalker! She has a Heckler!
(Please note: Should any stalker get ’round to killing her with guns, knives, piano wire or whatever, we’re not actually in contact with Lindsay Lohan. That’s because we’re stalking Victoria Wood ’til she plays that song about S&M with a Woman’s Weekly).
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