Well this is hardly fair. We’re not pregnant either, but that fact hasn’t made the bloody news, has it?
But when Lily Allen isn’t pregnant? Oh, it’s a different story then. Just because Lily Allen has told everyone that she urgently wants a baby and then went outside looking a bit fat, the news that she isn’t pregnant suddenly means something. We can’t wait for tomorrow’s papers. Maybe there’ll be a story about how Lily Allen doesn’t have a moustache, or can’t speak Lithuanian, or isn’t able to run as fast as a car.
But Lily Allen isn’t pregnant. That’s OK. All it means is that we have to wait a little bit longer before she and her child pose with Keith Allen for a photo entitled Three Generations Of Mild Obnoxiousness. And even longer before the child gets a record deal purely because she’s Lily Allen’s kid. That’s fine by us.
Everyone knows that Lily Allen’s life is cyclical. She’s either in a stage of her life where she’s making music and people seem to like her, or a stage of her life where she isn’t making music and just appearing in the press for the sake of it and people don’t like her quite as much. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re not firmly in the latter stage.
But although Lily Allen doesn’t have anything to promote, at least she’s still found a reason to appear in the papers. And, perhaps for the first time in history, this isn’t because she’s slagged off another pop star or taken her bra off on holiday. No, this is news. Real news. You see, Lily Allen isn’t pregnant.
No, that is news. It is. Just because Lily Allen has spent the overwhelming proportion of her life not being pregnant, it doesn’t mean that the fact she’s not pregnant now can’t be news. OK, it does sort of mean that. But nevertheless, this story has emerged because of something of a perfect storm, where first Lily Allen said she wanted to get pregnant within a year, and then she went outside looking a bit fat. Oh, hang on, that’s not a perfect storm at all, is it? It’s barely even a mediocre storm. It’s not even mediocre drizzle.
Nevertheless, the photos of Lily Allen looking slightly rounder than usual in one outfit from one specific angle caused her to formally respond to the rumours on her Twitter account. Now reports:
Lily Allen has denied rumours she is pregnant . The singer sparked speculation she was expecting after being snapped looking a little curvier while out in London over the weekend.? ?I’m not pregnant. FYI,’ she writes on her Twitter.
Phew, thank God that’s all cleared up. For a few minutes there, we were really worried that Lily Allen was pregnant. And by ‘a few minutes’ we mean ‘less than a tenth of a nanosecond’, and by ‘worried’ we mean ‘not worried at all’ and by ‘Lily Allen was pregnant’ we mean ‘blah blah blah oh shut up’.
Still, we nevertheless expect all female celebrities to check into their Twitter accounts to also state that they aren’t pregnant or else we’ll assume that they are and then the shit will really hit the fan. Won’t it, Dame Elizabeth Taylor?
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