Get your hats at the ready (doesn’t matter what kind of hat really – an old woolly bobble hat or fryer’s chip greased net trilby will do) because there is going to be a wedding no of us are invited to! That’s right! Kim Kardashian, who not one of us have met, is betrothed and we’re all supposed to care!
Because we all care so very much, we must know every detail of this awful union, including how the engagement came about, right?
It would appear that Kim ‘Of No Fixed Talent’ Kardashian was caught on the hop when somebody called Kris Humphries proposed to her. However, and you’ll love this, Kim’s parents already knew about it all because Humphries asked for their permission a few days earlier, which is like, old fashioned and romantic isn’t it? Not like our loveless, pitiful lives.
And like a good old fashioned wedding, Kris revealed this information to a press conference. How quaint!
Kardashian’s mum, who cares who she is, says:
“He came to Bruce and myself and asked us for Kim’s hand in marriage, and it was really just so cute the way that he wanted to surprise her”
He then promptly went about bending down on one knee and spelled out “WILL YOU MARRY ME?” in rose petals. We can’t confirm whether Kim Kardashian can read or not at the time of writing.
However, we’re all mostly interested in the grotesque display of wealth on her hand, known as ‘the rock’. We hoped that Kim would be wearing the wrestler of the same name on her hand until she walked up the aisle (or, People’s Elbowing her way around the congregation), but alas, she went for a jewel like most rich people do.
She’s got a $2 million ring which has a 16.5-carat emerald cut diamond in the center of two 2-carat trapezoid shaped stones, totaling 20.5 carats of “the highest clarity and colour.” We like it when romance sounds like a press release.
Khloe, one of Kim’s sisters (again, who cares which) noted that they were also surprised at this whole getting engaged thing:
“None of us knew! We were all sitting there like, ‘Kim is so late for dinner and we’re starving.’ And we’re like, ‘Where the hell is Kim?'”
“Then she walked in, and we’re like, ‘Oh my God!'”
And now, all there is to do is to cement the love in the relationship and start touting yourself around in a bid to sell your wedding photos to the highest bidder, just like our grandparents did after WWII. There’s also a chance of a reality TV show based on all this love, which is just beautiful.
This truly is the greatest love-affair we’ll ever know.
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