Certain films just don’t need follow-ups. hecklerspray can think of a big long list of such titles – undiluted cack that shouldn’t really have been greenlit for the first movie anyway.

Quite a few of these films involve Kevin Costner.

Whether its the soul-sapping awfulness of The Postman (which – brilliantly – ends with a group of wide-eyed children staring up with admiration at a huge statue of the Kevster) or the please-drown-me movieturd otherwise known as Waterworld, Costner has handled more turkeys than a Bernard Matthews farmhand.

The worst offender, however, is 1992’s The Bodyguard.

A film so scorchingly bad it makes Chucklevision look like Tarkovsky, The Bodyguard not only showcased Kev’s non-acting abilities but also granted valuable screen time – minutes of your life that you’ll never get back, remember – to warbling devil-woman Whitney Houston.

Not the sort of thing you’d want a follow-up to, is it?

Well, tough. Because Costner already has a Bodyguard 2 script in the bag and is feverishly scouring the legions of Pretty Young Things, hoping against hope that he can find an actress who’ll lend this project the gravitas it undoubtedly deserves.

His number-one choice? Dukes Of Hazzard ’star’ Jessica Simpson.

hecklerspray doesn’t have to tell you how nightmarish this all sounds. Even the appearance of Resident Evil 2 didn’t full our hearts with this much fear. The last thing we need is for young Ms. Simpson to spend 6-billion-plus-infinity weeks at number one shitting her lungs out to the tune of I Will Always Love You.

Because that’s what’s going to happen, everybody. Run while you still can.

Although Jessy-baby still has her merits. Only the other night hecklerspray was all alone in a hotel room when her new music video popped onto the TV set. You know – the one where she prances around in a bikini and repeatedly hoists her arse in the air like a skinny buffalo awaiting a poker branding.

An entertaining three minutes, we’re sure you’ll agree.

[story by C J Davies]