Kerry Katona’s mum has told our all-time favourite Sunday tabloid ‘The Star on Sunday’ that she is going to help get her daughter’s life back on track after Kerry was dropped from her management last month.
And how is good ol’ Sue Katona going to achieve this? By encouraging Kerry to text ‘saucy messages’ to her ex. Not the Mark Croft one, the one that we cared about even less. Go mum!
“Sue has very much taken the reigns now and is determined to stop her spiralling out of control like she has so often in the past” ‘A source’ told The Star on Sunday. Because in a week of such a degree of illegitimate journalism, we just want to be honest with you.
Meanwhile, in her latest chapter of ‘The New Me’ Volume 16, The Daily Mail reported today that Kerry Katona has taken up Zumba lessons. You hear that, cruel world? Kerry has defeated you.
But just like all those shocking times before, these glorifying comebacks have somewhere down the line faltered, despite all the odds, and haircuts, and AA meetings.
So come gather round on the carpet, and let’s all have a look back at Kerry’s previous career decisions and try and decipher how it all went wrong. As a nation. Let’s do it for Kerry, guys.
2002: Kerry Katona has sex and babies with Brian McFadden
WHY IT COULD HAVE SUCCEEDED
It was only a matter of time before the managers of Atomic Kitten came to the realization that they had legitimately given Kerry Katona a job as a ‘singer’. There was only one thing to do! Fuse her popstar credentials by marrying another. Step forward Brian McFadden! (Pre-rape music years) Being all blonde, and apparently attractive, the pair were the perfect match, and married in 2002. And the best bit of it all? Kerry gets knocked up, and therefore has to leave Atomic Kitten to ‘be with her children’, before they could sack her for being categorically awful, which ultimately is a much better headline. As such, Kerry Katona’s appearance in Atomic Kitten’s Whole Again video was hastily altered to be digitally replaced by newcomer Jenny Frost. So nothing but class all round. Since the marriage, Kerry joined and subsequently won I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here. During the final of her victory, her doting husband appeared to surprise her. ‘Why are you here?’ Kerry asked. ‘Because I love you.’ Brian guessed.
BUT WHY IT DID ULTIMATELY FAIL
The problem with getting married is that somewhere down the line you have to probably love each other for the marriage to work. In 2004, the couple figured it was probably a good point well made, and tragically split. As if it wasn’t bad enough that Brian then subsequently married the Most Boring Australian Import Delta Goodrem, Kerry resorted to her second bout of reality tv, My Fair Kerry, which was just as awful as it possibly sounded.
2007: Kerry signs every single contract that MTV care to waggle in front of her.
WHY IT COULD HAVE SUCCEEDED
For unfathomable reasons, ITV are always very welcoming to let Kerry Katona be on television whenever she wants – but in 2007, Kerry was offered a lucrative contract deal at MTV with three reality shows, Kerry Katona: Crazy in Love, Kerry Katona: Whole Again, and most controversially of all – Kerry Katona: WHAT’S THE PROBLEM? So for the sake of her career, and her children – Kerry did what she had to do. Gallantly allow herself to be filmed 24 hours a day, eating Mcflurries. Oh sorry, that’s offensive. Eating Iceland’s brand vanilla ice cream, of course. Sorry Kez.
BUT WHY IT DID ULTIMATELY FAIL
Because she was married to Mark Croft at the time.
2008: Kerry writes her first novel!
WHY IT COULD HAVE SUCCEEDED
If JK Rowling can do it, so can Kerry! RIGHT? Because like JK Rowling, Kerry has been at the bottom. Because like JK Rowling, Kerry is a strong, confident woman, who just wants her children to have the best life they can. Because like JK Rowling, Kerry has a vibrant mind, with incredibly unique literary ideas. And her name is Fanny Blake. What – you didn’t expect Kerry to actually write the books, did you?
BUT WHY IT DID ULTIMATELY FAIL
In a nationwide poll last year, the book that people most lied about having read was George Orwell’s classic 1984. This was a book that nobody wanted to lie about having read, let alone read. In fact, people lied that they couldn’t read at all just to get out of it.
2011: Kerry loses loads of weight and cuts her hair and dumps Max Clifford, and dumps her boyfriend, and wears a nice dress, and takes up Zumba!!!!!
WHY IT COULD HAVE SUCCEEDED
Because those Now Magazine Before/After features won’t write themselves.
BUT WHY IT DID ULTIMATELY FAIL
Because at the end of it all, she was still Kerry Katona.
This was a post written by Sophie Hall who is already testing the patience of everyone within a 8,000 mile radius, which means we’ll probably hire her after she completes our depraved initiation ritual.
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