When celebrities get married, everyone turns into meddling grandmas, demanding offspring because our lives are so hopelessly empty that we need that brief moment of alleviating joy, lived vicariously through someone else.
Christ knows no-one wants to actually have sex with us, let alone have our children, right?
And the latest couple getting their groins shoved toward each other are Katy Perry and Russell Brand. They basically look like they’re having far too much fun as a couple and, as such, we must make them mature into parents… indeed, we must halt their leisure time immediately with shitty nappies, sleepless nights and silent seething.
And so, with the world staring at the stomachs of every female celebrity on Earth, expectantly, some have noticed that Katy Perry is looking slightly more rotund than usual.
THIS MEANS SHE IS, WITHOUT DOUBT, PREGNANT.
Or, she really needs a big poo. You may mock, but the latter is actually closer to the truth. You see, we suspect Perry and Brand to be indulging in something of a sham marriage which helped her to break the British market and help him get work in America.
Basically, they’re not even sexing each other so how is she going to get pregnant? As such, she’s keen to quash these rumours and told everyone that, basically, she’s greedy.
When asked if she was expecting her first baby with Russell Brand, the chinny hitmaker replied:
“Hell no!”
“I like In-N-Out Burger and Taco Bell and if you want to make that pregnant that’s your problem. I still love drinking alcohol, so not yet.”
So there you have it. Katy Perry isn’t pregnant because she’s actually living a life of junk food and copious amounts of booze.
Basically, she’s behaving like she’s from absolutely anywhere in Britain.