Everybody on Earth… hang on… lets start that again. The small percentage of people in Britain who actually gave even the vaguest of fucks about Katie Price knew that, the second she tapped off with Alex Reid, he was being offered as bait.
Now, you can decide whether he was being offered to a false God, the press or, most likely, a jealousy maker for Peter Andre, but either way, it didn’t work. Unless you buy into the ‘false God’ theory, in which case, he’s now the walking dead (or ‘even deaderer’), occasionally in a nice frock.
Anyway, it didn’t take long for Price to realise that the bubblegum husband would soon lose his flavour and she ditched him like a bag of cats in a canal. And now, she wants to give the official line on the whole thing.
Of course, with Price being a successful author (hahahahaha) we can all assume that the statement she’s just release about the break-up will read like a Christopher Marlowe tragedy. So let us snap to it, with an addendum of Alex Reid haunting the marital home like some wailing spectre.
First, Katie’s moving tribute to the affairs of the heart.
Alex and I have had a number of difficulties over the past few months. I accept that these were in part caused by my marrying too quickly – we all make mistakes and this was one. However, Alex changed from the man I fell in love with and some of his behaviour became difficult for me to understand and caused issues. I have tried to help him with these issues but they have put a considerable strain on our relationship.
We can assume that she isn’t talking about the whole ‘dressing up like a girl despite looking like a perfect orange oblong with a man-face’ thing because she knew about that before the marriage. We can also assume that she didn’t like him being a successful cage-fighter because, well, he wasn’t a successful cage fighter. So what could it be?
Our difficulties were also not helped by Alex becoming more fascinated by life in the media eye. Obviously I cannot be critical of someone wanting to do this and originally I tried to help him with his career by getting him contracts with my production company. If Alex wants to honour those contracts the production company is more than happy to do so. However, Alex’s desire to promote himself caused a change in the dynamic of our relationship and contributed to our alienation.
Uh-oh! Sounds like someone wanted an equal share of the spotlight!
Alex and I have spent many hours discussing our relationship and trying to make it work but the issues between us are too deep rooted. I had hoped that we could end our relationship amicably and without a war of words in the media. I appreciate that there are those that will not believe that but I had agreed I would say nothing more than the statement we had jointly prepared. This was not because I am concerned what Alex may truthfully disclose but to give him comfort that I would not discuss the issues that so strained our relationship.
You can almost hear Price’s cogs whirring on this segment can’t you. You can almost hear her saying “What’s a nicer way of saying that I wasn’t going to call him a dick-end in public, but I’m going to have to now, because he’s acting like a massive dick-end’? to her ghost-writer.
I had hoped that Alex and I could remain friends but I am not sure if that is possible given events since last Sunday when we were on the verge of releasing a statement. Alex asked that we did not release any statement because he wanted more time to think. The intervening period has, however, seen a number of false stories appear and photographs of Alex with my son Junior in the gym which it is absolutely clear were posed for. Alex is fully aware that I have sought to remove my children from the public eye now they are of an age to understand and be affected by media coverage of them. I feel incredibly let down that he did this while asking me for more time to discuss our relationship and just hope that the stories circulating that he sold those pictures are not true.
Gah! Imagine that! Using your children in shots, posed for and orchestrated for use in magazines! What a dreadful shill he is, right?
It is true that I have asked Alex to leave the family home and that he will not do so. I would leave myself but the house is equipped for Harvey’s needs. Alex would like to portray himself as honourable and I hope he acts that way. Contrary to some reports I have not discussed financial matters with my divorce lawyers.
He won’t leave the house then. He possibly plans to stand in the corner, just glaring at the room whether Price and the family is sat in it or not. That’s because he’s a bit simple. Let us remember though, bizarrely, you people voted him as the winner of the last Celebrity Big Brother. You idiots.
I would like to make clear that the allegations that I have been dragging out any announcement so that my film crew can capture on film Alex’s upset are complete fabrication. I am deeply upset that my relationship with Alex has failed but I know it is the right thing for my children and I that we separate. My children are my absolute priority in this and they are being shielded from what is happening.
Ooooof! She was that close to shedding a tear then – provided of course, that her tear ducts are able to function properly after being hidden under 40 layers of creosote or whatever it is Price sticks on her presumably tiny head.
And so, here’s a helpful insider to leak more about how upset Katie Price is.
“She’s in tears. Kate has been trying to discover if he intends to return to her house. She has been texting all day but he’s refusing to reply. She is almost in terror of hearing his key in the door. She has no idea what his intentions are and refuses to tell her.”
Splendid. Now Alex Reid is being made to look like an unhinged stalker because, essentially, he hasn’t managed to move his things out of the marital home quickly enough.
Still, he probably is a bit mental isn’t he? Who in their right mind would marry Katie Price and think that it was a sensible, rational idea.
We greatly look forward to all this being chronicled in a new book or, better yet, a concept album called ‘That Bastard With The Square Head And Empty Eyes Won’t Move Out’. Hopefully, it’ll be as painful as this…
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