Kate Upton Has Itty Bitty Titty Envy

Kate Upton Bikini TopKate Upton is trying to become a “serious” actress.  She hopes to achieve this by playing a ditzy dumb ass blonde because that’s exactly the kind of roles that have made Meryl Streep who she is, and everyone knows a good actress always allows herself to be type-casted.

Now she has decided to take it up a notch in her quest for respect and is shit talking the 2 things that have made her famous.  And I am not talking about her brains and talent.

When one thinks about Kate Upton, we aren’t conjuring thoughts of her immense acting chops or prolific way with words, let’s be honest.  What we do immediately think about are her massive milk jugs and the fact that she likes to show them off everywhere.  While tons of 18-year-old girls with daddy issues and a lifelong dream to get face to face with Hugh Hefner’s wrinkly balls pay tons of money for a similar rack in hopes of achieving fame,  Upton is claiming to dislike hers.

“I wish I had smaller boobs every day of my life as I love to wear spaghetti tops braless or go for the smallest bikini designs. Every single day, I’m like, ‘Oh, man, it would be so much easier,’ especially if people didn’t constantly bring them up. But the grass is always greener, as they say! If I could just take them off like they were clip-ons.”

Wah wah wah, it’s so hard being paid a shit ton of money to take 90% of my clothes off and show off my smoking body that thousands of men and women want to stare at.  Wahh rich hot girl problems are so tough!

As a fellow member of the tig ol bitty club, I can concur with some of what Kate is saying.  Strapless bras are the fucking devil and about as useful as the Perfect Brownie Maker or Prancersizing.  But while it may suck that I can’t rock a bandeau top like my a-cup friends, I appreciate the fact that my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.  And if I was making a few million bucks a year from men fapping off to pictures of my melons, the few negatives would be even more miniscule.  I am pretty sure life in general is much easier for a fucking rich ass hot chick who has to wear a full coverage bikini top to avoid nip slip than a poor as hell chick with the ability to still walk around town flying free like a 14 year old boy.

But sadly for the club, Kate is turning her back on the real source of talent.  Why can’t Upton seem to see that her massive tits are the ONLY reason anyone gives a damn about her? And clip on boobs?  Eww. If you thought those detachable merkins were nasty, Lee Press On approved chicken cutlets with nipples are on a whole new level of gross.

I know Kate thinks she is getting people to look at her as more than just another blonde with a buxom body and a head full of peroxide and bleach, but what she is doing is just being fucking stupid.  Without her body just as it is, she’d be nothing but maybe an Instagram “model” taking above the head selfies in club bathrooms with super clever hashtags like #BeautyIsntJustSkinDeep or #ImSexyAndIKnowIt while doing the duck face and filtering the picture in whatever one makes her look tannest.  Upton needs to be proud of what God and too much estrogen in her chemically enhanced boneless skinless chicken breasts have given her while she still can before gravity takes over.

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