Remember when Justin Timberlake made records? That was fun wasn’t it? He came along and gave us the tunes Michael Jackson was too chicken to chance his arm on and generally revived everyone’s hopes for a decent male popstar.
Then, after a few decent spots on Saturday Night Live, he beggared off and started making films, leaving us to suffer Justin Bieber and… well… there’s no other famous male singers. Thanks Timberlake, you inconsiderate swine.
And thanks to being a genuine triple-threat, Timberlake is not exactly short of female admirers (and male admirers no doubt). So, Justin is in the enviable position of being able to ditch Jessica Biel in favour of Mila Kunis. His life must be awful, eh?
Jessica ‘Everyone Fancies Her, Even The Dead Probably’ Biel is now on the market, faced with a sea of men who aren’t Justin Timberlake. Us chaps will have to rely on our… well…our… okay, we’ve got nothing on Timberlake. He’s friends with Snoop and brought sexy back while the rest of mankind brought beer guts back.
Gah.
And so, Justin tiptoes away from one attractive and famous woman to Mila ‘Yep, She’s The One Who Fellated Natalie Portman In Black Swan’ Kunis. Her ex is Macaulay Culkin, so she’ll be absolutely thrilled at the chance of sharing a bed with a man who doesn’t have a face like a chewed-up rubber ear.
So everyone’s happy right? Well, everyone who is Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. Everyone else is actually really depressed at all this. Our doughy bodies and deep-sea genitals can never hope to compare to this pairing. They’re all smooth like Kinder Eggs while we look on, resembling cottage cheese with legs.
Thanks to our collective hideousness, we’ll have to turn to the only solace we have left – cruel jealousy.
This makes Timberlake a dead-eyed ‘love rat’ and Kunis a heartless, cold hearted homewrecker. Poor ol’ Biel. She didn’t deserve any of this.
Wait! A source has something to say!
“Mila had nothing to do with their break-up”
“In fact, no one came between them. They decided their relationship ran its course and it was time to move on.”
Oh. Stupid sources coming along and spoiling it for us. We wanted to wallow in our self pity for a while before getting on with important things like placing frozen peas in our ear canals.
What? There’s more?
“They’re not in a relationship. They star in a movie called Friends with Benefits but they’re just friends. That’s it. They are not together.”
This isn’t even news then? We’ve been wasting everyone’s time? No change there. To make this worthwhile, be sure to pass the Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are an item thing on as fact.
It’s more fun that way.
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