Ahhh, Justin Bieber. It seems like only yesterday that the Internet was good-naturedly mistaking you for an adolescent lesbian while you danced into our hearts alongside a very out-of-place Ludicrous in the tweenalicious video for “Baby.” What has become of you?
It appears from recent attacks, both real ones on neighbors and cyber ones on Twitter, that you are having the celebrity equivalent of your first period: the major public meltdown. It is a rite of passage experienced by many ultra-famous teen stars. It’s going to be alright, they all go through it. Yes, Justin, we know that Timberlake never had one and that it’s just not fair! But we’re in it now and you’re going to have to remain calm.
Bieber, if you want to land yourself a lucrative judging position on a major network singing contest in the next three years when the meltdown cools, you’re going to have to inspect some of the major aspects of the Spears and Aguilera files. Consider these tips and tricks.
The public meltdown of Britney Spears is among the best-documented, due in no small part to the fact that it was facilitated primarily by ultra-creepy paparazzo turned hanger-on Sam Lufti. I will eat my hat if it’s ever proven that he wasn’t calling in the paps to document every humiliating scene.
If you’re doing this for attention, you’re going to need to get out of the gated community where you can be photographed more often. The most important part of a public meltdown is that it is public. Befriending a terrible human being who wants nothing more than to exploit you for your talent and looks (someone besides your mother), will help move this process along. Buy some bizarre snack foods and let loose!
If you’re going the Aguilera route, major body transformations are in order. The tiny pop tart gained weight and couldn’t give less of a fuck about it, which I love, for the record. You’ve started to beef up recently (good for you!) but for a post-meltdown comeback to work, you need to come back looking better than ever. I recommend packing on some weight now so that when you have your “My Journey to The New Me” People magazine cover in 2015, you’ll wow em with your sick bod!
There are many other ways of doing a meltdown and I do encourage some improvisation but these ladies did it first and they did it hard. But whatever you do, don’t venture down Lohan Lane. We’re six years deep into that one with no end in sight. Learn from the real pros.
You’re welcome.