The Justin Bieber phenomenon is a strange one. Naturally, he’s not the first dancing foetus to capture the hearts and minds of a planet’s pubeless, but nevertheless, he’s a strange one. Y’see, way back when, tiny crooners were all sexless and hokey. Think of Little Jimmy Osmond, New Edition and Aaron Carter. Now we’ve Justin Bieber who thrusts his tiny little hips and talks like Poochie from The Simpsons – “Wassup man, how you doin’?… “It’s like, you know, whateva’ “.
And the trick works. There’s countless videos on YouTube of his mental fans screaming and fainting at the mere mention of his name and, in one case, a real life version of Frogger is played out as lanky 12 year old girls dodge cars as they run after him – who happens to be travelling at 30mph in a limo. Idiots. Fandom doesn’t make you suddenly become Usain Bolt.
So he can (kinda) sing and make small girls produce a milky substance. What next? Acting of course.
And in a move that will ensure that huge ratings are met, TV crime series CSI have given Bieber a role in the show.
Will he be playing something gritty and surprising? Maybe he’ll appear as a child prostitute who has murdered his pimp in cold-blood by choking him with the lead from his TV set? His harrowing journey through PCP induced nightmares reveals a broken, shattered child who was asked to grow-up too soon.
He then runs into trouble with cohorts of his pimp, which sees Bieber’s character stealing knives from a kitchen wholesalers, climaxing in a bloody hack and slash scene which will ‘push the boundaries of decency and gore’. Alas, there will be a happy ending as the CSI team understand that he’s the product of abuse and train him up to be a policeman, ready to save the world from scum.
That’s what is going to happen, right?
Is it bollocks. Bieber will play a troubled teen (think Dawson’s Creek) who is faced with a difficult decision regarding his sibling.
The singer will appear in the season premiere of CSI in September and then make other appearances later in the year as his storyline concludes.
Producers say:
“We’d like to believe that the phenomenon of ‘CSI’ has had the same impact on popular culture. The opportunity to bring them together in the premiere is a great treat for our audience and all of its new viewers. This will be true event television.”
Nice try. Justin Bieber has been hired because they know just how mental his fans are. Just wait ’til his balls drop and he grows a moustache. The fans will be running in the road for different reasons altogether… though they’ll no doubt claim that they’ll LUV HIM 4EVA!
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