Justin Bieber Loves Him Some Purple Drank

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Justin BieberTeenagers are stupid creatures.  Teenagers with money are REALLY stupid creatures.  Justin Bieber is just the latest rich boy with barely there pubic hair to act a fool and become an irritating hot mess, just because he can.  Doing drugs, starting fights, making it rain on strippers, and having an anti-shirt policy.

Once upon a time,  Justin was a cute talented kid who took over YouTube playing his guitar while looking like a brunette tween version of Ellen DeGeneres.  Now, he is treading on become even more annoying than the Kardashians, which is something I didn’t even think was possible.  And it seems there may be more than just a lack of maturity combined with an abundance of cash to blame for his.

There are some drugs that I “get” why people do.   Marijuana causes you to do the 2 best things in life (eat brownie batter and melt into your couch) while giving no fucks.  It also makes watching The Labryinth like a million times better, which I didn’t think was possible because David Bowie is practically God.  It’s basically heaven in plant form.  I can even see why some people enjoy dabbling in other forms of recreational drugs.  There is some terrible ass shit out there that I just cannot grasp why people would touch.  ESPECIALLY people with money.  When I hear a celebrity has a heroin problem, or a crack addiction, I am just confounded.  If you have all your teeth and can afford to drive a Benz, why are you doing bottom of the barrel shit like crack? Makes no sense.

Apparently, Justin Bieber has also decided to jump aboard the Train Of Stupid Fucks With Money, because he has an addiction to sizzurp.  Yes white people reading this blog, sizzurp is a real thing and not just a made up word you heard in some Lil Wayne song when you decided to put on BET during Black History Month.  Also called “purple drank” by those with 3rd grade English comprehension skills, it’s basically cough syrup mixed with sprite and a Jolly Rancher.   The cough syrup tends to be prescription, since you need the kind with codeine and antihistamine to really fuck your world up.

Growing up, I used to hide the fact that I was sick with a cold as long as I possibly could just to avoid having to take medicine.  Any cough syrup worth it’s weight tastes like ass, and is all around not pleasant.  Now, while I love me some sugar candy, I cannot imagine that one piece makes this sizzurp shit tastes good.  It also causes seizures and makes you bat shit crazy.  Rumor has it that Lil Wayne’s near death causing seizures he’s been having so often lately are because of his love for this crap.  So what the fuck is the allure of this stuff?

Supposedly, it’s because of this “drank” that Justin has been wilding out, throwing baby chicken fetuses at his neighbor’s house and having sex with hookers in sketchy countries.  His people want him to go to rehab, but Bieber thinks he is just being a normal 19 year old.  No, underage drinking (which he does), smoking a little pot (which he does, a LOT), going back and forth with your girlfriend in between banging willing hos,  these I could give you are somewhat typical behaviors of a 19 year old.  Dropping over $75,000 on some strippers and cursing out former President Bill Clinton before peeing into a mop bucket are not instances of him being normal.

Mama Bieber wants us all to pray for Justin, which is basically her way of saying that she knows he is torn up but she is too attached to her furs and Mercedes to actually try and parent him.   Pattie used to be a drug dealer before she moved on up to becoming a teen mother, so she knows all about living a shitty ass poor life.  Ain’t no way is she going back to ramen noodles and working minimum wage at a Tim Horton’s.  Which is kind of sad because it seems to me that what Justin really needs is a good smack upside the head and a nice grounding.

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