Damnit damnit damnit. Just when you think that maybe, just maybe, Justin Bieber was finally going to get the ass kicking he so rightfully deserves, it’s becoming more and more apparent that he isn’t. Just like with every other run in with the law, or stupid pissing in a bucket move made, Bieber’s lucky breaks just keep coming and keeping his ass safe.
It seems the Miami Beach Police Department might have used a little too much creative licensing with account of Bieber’s arrest, and now it is coming back to bite them in the ass. So not fair.
Last week, Justin Bieber was arrested for being a dumbass and drag racing while drunk and high in a neighborhood. After spending the night shimmying his Ken doll-like hairless chest in his ridiculous pleather shorts at some club, Bieber and his friends thought it would be a brilliant idea to get all Fast and Furious on Mulholland Drive. The Miami PD seemed to be on top of their shit, and they quickly arrested Justin and the car he was racing, driven by some random rapper with low standards for friends.
It was like we were getting Christmas twice in a short period of time. Justin was handcuffed and arrest for being drunk, driving like a fool, and resisting arrest. He then admitted to also taking drugs, and I am seriously hoping he had a full body cavity search while grabbing his ankles. He then took a douchey mug shot, looking more like the “before” pictures in ProActiv commercials he used to be a spokesman for. It was all going along gloriously, and each update to my Google Alerts was like another gift wrapped perfectly in a gigantic karmic bow.
But then it comes out that the Miami PD got all wonky with the facts about the whole ordeal. First, it was reported that Bieber’s blood alcohol level was at a .04. A little buzzed, but not stupid drunk, totally still illegal when you’re not 21. It was enough to corroborate that he was probably a little off his driving game. Well, nope, turns out those numbers were a bit off and in fact he was .014. That’s like half a glass of Boone’s Farm.
Then, the whole drag racing bit gets destroyed. Turns out the place where Bieber and Khalil rented their cars from attaches GPS trackers to them, I am guessing to avoid them getting stolen or lost. Thanks to the tracker, their speeds are always recorded. Sure, when the guys first left the club they were doing about 52 MPH, but their cars quickly lowered into the 30s. In the middle of their “race” they were actually only going 27 MPH. One officer originally said he noticed the two zooming by doing 60 MPHs, which not only never happened, but they were going so much slower that there is no way the officer could have been so off unintentionally. UGH 5-0!
And now the latest piece that is crushing my dream of seeing Bieber get deported back to Moose Country is that Khalil, the rapper he was with, his blood alcohol level was a zero. Yup, a big fat zero. So neither Bieber nor Khalil were drunk. Yet, the cops claim they both failed sobriety tests. Now, this means that maybe, just maybe, they did actually fail. Except instead of it being because they were 3 sheets to the wind, it could have been because they were messed up on sizzurp or some other drugs. The urinalysis is not done yet, so we don’t know for sure but it seems to be the last sliver of hope before this whole thing gets thrown out.
So, basically someone upstairs has a sick sense of humor and has given Bieber a guardian angel. It’s like he has a constantly renewing “get out of jail free” card, because he just keeps getting away with everything. Of course, cops with a hard on for arresting the guy and totally making up bullshit, doesn’t help in the fight for justice.