Eerily symmetrical professional penis, Jude Law (essentially a Tesco Finest Callum Best), is back on the market, destined to make absolutely everyone and everything he touches pregnant. This man is more potent than a rabbit’s ballbag.
Jude and Sienna Miller have decided to do us all a massive favour by officially ending their on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, relationship.
Of course, Jude hasn’t had the simplest of times when it comes to affair of the loins, getting up to all kindsa mucky business when throwing the keys in a bowl with Sadie Frost, sticking his engorged member into nannies and models and of course, Sienna Miller isn’t exactly an angel herself, being dubbed a marriage wrecker. We are, naturally, seething with jealousy.
And now, the two randiest humans on Earth are out there, somewhere, prowling around like sexual predator, getting trees pregnant, seducing packets of sour sweets and giving orgasms to chest freezers.
Lock up your daughters, sons, nanas, cats, grandpas and anyone who you’ve ever met and seen passing by you in the street.
Back to the split, the rep said:
“Yes, I can confirm their separation”
We didn’t need to include this delightful little vignette, but it does give an air of credibility to this story we’re writing right now. Without it, you’d think we were just making things up wouldn’t you? Well we’re not. Even though we could well have made up that quote from the rep. You’ll never know. You’ll never care either because you’re probably thinking impure thoughts about being sandwiched between these two walking erections.
Law and Miller first got together while working on the woeful 2004’s remake of Alfie.
They got engaged on Christmas Day of that year, which was helplessly romantic, only for Jude to throw his spanner shaped penis into the vaginal works of the nanny of his children. It goes without saying that Sienna Miller wasn’t particularly pleased by this and kicked his impossibly taut buttocks to some imagined emotional kerb.
Then, the pair went around dry humping the entire world before getting back together after Jude Law grovelled on his muscular knee-joins.
Then they split-up again.
Then they got back together again.
Now they’ve split-up again. Or something. To be honest, we don’t care and neither do you. Unless, of course, you’re one of those nutters who feels like they really know a star because they’ve watched all their films and stared at their face for long enough in various magazines.
A bit like the relationship between vicars and Jesus then?
Anyway, we’ve got to dash now. While we’ve been writing this article, Sienna Miller has run off with everyone we know and Jude Law got us pregnant up the bum.
Drat.
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