What do you think of when you hear the word 'Jordan'?
Perhaps the Islamic al-Rabadh castle of Ajlun? Or maybe the Hellenistic-Roman ruins of Gadara? How about the ancient amphitheatre that takes pride of place in the capital city Amman? Or possibly – just possibly – do you fail to think about Arabic kingdoms altogether, instead conjuring up images of a greasy perma-tanned 'glamour model' who retains all the sophistication of a pissed rottweiler?
Don't worry. You're not alone.
Jordan – real name Katie Price, or Satan to those in the know – has stamped her ugly visage so indelibly on British popular culture that she's all too sadly inescapable. Despite this, though, we can all breathe a sigh of relief and take comfort in one small mercy: that she couldn't possibly become any more tasteless and repulsive than she already is. Could she?
Come on, kids. We don't really need to answer that, do we?
Discussing her marriage to tumour-with-pecs Peter Andre, Jordan has charmingly revealed that:
"I have a wee on the toilet in front of him, but I'd never have a poo in front of Pete, unless it was a sexual act!"
Needless to say, the very thought of this perversion – kind of like Blue Velvet, but with talentless shitbuckets instead of actors – has ensured that hecklerspray will be staying in therapy for a long, long time. And – if you share our distaste – you may well want to totally ignore Jordan's description of her husband's penis.
Which goes a little something like this:
"Pete's measured his penis and it's the size of a Sky+ remote control – the one with the grey bits on – that's bigger than the normal remote."
Hecklerspray – after wiping the copious trails of vomit from our collective mouths – remains in two minds about this statement. Could this just be an overblown boast? A Sky+ remote is a hefty instrument, after all.
The fact is, we're kind of inclined to believe that this is the truth. Given that sexual intercourse with Jordan would very probably be like feeding a Tic-Tac to a whale, a bit of extra girth could well come in handy.
Look out for tomorrow's tabloids, by the way, in which Jordan's crusade to become the most tasteless human being on the planet goes on. Revelations include how she'd love to 'lez up' with naughty Jewish temptress Anne Frank, likes nothing more than drinking the contents of terminally ill kids' colostomy bags, and thinks that the 9/11 jumpers would have looked 'well sexy' as they splattered onto the sidewalk.
Or hopefully she could do the decent thing and stitch her mouth shut until the end of time.
Who's taking bets?
Read more: