Jessica Alba is beautiful and quite famous. That kind of celebrity combination comes with perks that most dare not even dream of. She can turn invisible (but not for pictures that Playboy wants to publish) and she starred in her own less than good Fox superhero TV show. There is no down side.
On top of that, a semi-recent survey showed her fame had her right at the top of 2.5 million men’s lust-ometers – 2.5 million men would like to call her baby and then give her one – 2.5 million. Most of them are probably acne-scarred basement dwellers, but still, a girl’s gotta like that kind of attention. So what does she choose to do with her immense level of fame? Make out with a monkey – a big fat hairy lipped banana grubbing monkey.
Suddenly those millions of men are gluing brown shag carpet to their quivering bodies hoping it’ll look good enough to trick… actually, we’ll be right back.
It’s true, even when you’re famous, peer pressure doesn’t end. So
claims Jessica Alba anyway – after she recently let a chimp lick her
teeth. Alba was filming a clip for the upcoming MTV movie awards –
more specifically, the most romantic moment segment – when MTV bigwigs threw the chimp at her and demanded a steamy lip-lock – and it wasn’t even a boy chimp.
Jessica Alba’s really mad about it too, she feels used, and she’s not
keeping it bottled up:
"It was awful. All of a sudden there was a
monkey in my arms and I had to do a clip for ‘most romantic moment’
award at the MTV movie awards. So the monkey’s in my arms and I’m
supposed to give her a peck. She opened her mouth and her tongue is
scraping against my teeth. Monkeys’ teeth are really long, kind of like
a snake. Then I had to do it again and she grabbed both of my ears and
screamed in my face and showed me all of her teeth. I thought she was
going to bite my face off. I think monkeys should be left in trees."
We’ll have to wait for the clip to air before we decide if Alba’s
monkey love is as endearing as was Naomi Watts‘. Watts’ primate lover
died though, and when he did she really had to emote. All we’re saying
is it’ll be pretty hard to top. Despite Alba’s two simultaneous Razzie
nominations for worst actress, we think she’s got it in her. In Into the Blue, when she was swimming – we really believed her.
Despite all this, it seems a monkey lacks many of the qualities
she’s looking for in a significant other. No, she’s said before she
prefers her men with one foot in the grave and the other in an urn:
"Morgan Freeman, Sean Connery, Robert Redford, Michael Caine. I have this thing for older men. They’ve been around and know so much."
Along those same lines, hecklerspray‘s ideal soulmate is gonna be
conceived around the year 2025 by a Russian billionaire and Ginger
Spice‘s detached, semi-frozen left ovum.
When it’s love you just know.
Read more:
Planet of the gripes – News.com
[story by Shawn Lindeth]