Sometimes hecklerspray likes to sit back and imagine up a perfect girl for us. She’s got boneless noodle arms & the body of a female Ghengis Khan. We haven’t found her yet, but we’re patient.
And lonely.
Jesse James definitely has a type too – and until recently we thought that type was ‘Adopted a very large African-American football player.’ But no, that’s not his type. His type is so covered in tattoos that you can only determine ethnicity by seeing a picture of her parents. Lucky for him, then, that Kat von D is back on the market.
When love’s truest arrow strikes, one can nought but heed it’s call. That’s why for most of tenth grade we dated a rhesus monkey. We fell in love at a carnival during a ring toss – and let the world be damned! Our parents didn’t understand – but they didn’t have to. All they needed to know was that bananas were cheaper in bulk, and hecklerspray was more flea-free than we had ever been.
True love has done a drive by on Jesse James more times than we can count. In fact, perhaps it’s fair to say he’s smitten by it every time he sees a really gross Nazi whore.
Really, that’s probably not fair to say. But we can say the man has a new lady friend – a famous one. Not Sandra Bullock famous, mind you, but famous none the less. It’s a tattooed lady named Kat von D, but the tats have got nothing to do with it. According to von D:
“Just because I have tattoos doesn’t mean, ‘Oh, you guys are a perfect match. I think that I’m his type on a different level than people would assume.”
We know we said she was famous up there, but we’re still not sure why. We think she may be the voice of Grover or something. Or she’s on some reality show that relays how perfectly normal, mentally healthy human beings can cover themselves in tattoos and it’s got nothing to do with Daddy’s unrequited love.
Now in getting back to our sweet, sweet noodle-armed lady, if any of you know one, pass it on won’t you. And fast too – we need half-noodle-armed babies for a weird tax loop hole.
If we get one before the end of 2011 we’ll save dozens of dollars.
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