That’s right, Jenny. You are! Well done! Just think: what would the people on the ‘block’ say? Apart from ‘oh, look, some self-obsessed lady with no discernable talent and a big fat arse is riding past in a limo’?
J’Lo (CDs/DVDs) is set to scribble out a self-help book on – we jest you not – ‘how celebrities can deal with the U.S paparazzi.’ Her reasoning behind this bold new endeavour? ‘Nobody writes books about how to deal with that,’ Jennifer babbled, ‘so I think I will.’
That’s great, Jenny-baby. Really, it is. Although – without wanting to put a dampener on things – hecklerspray does have one tiny little reservation … who in the name of Christ is going to buy the shitting thing???
What sort of ‘target audience’ is the self-styled ‘diva’ (read: obnoxious cow) aiming at here? Let’s take a quick look at some other ‘change-your-life’ publishing success stories, shall we? What would their readership be comprised of?
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (book): people in relationships. How To Win Friends And Influence People (book): people who need to win friends and influence people.
Jennifer Lopez’s Book: people who are exactly like Jennifer Lopez.
Not exactly the broadest spectrum in the world, is it? But – apparently – that doesn’t matter. Oh no. "Nobody likes to hear somebody in the public eye, who they feel makes a lot of money, complain. So we don’t." Jennifer went on.
Sorry … what was that? Who they feel makes a lot of money? Is this lunatic talent-void actually trying to suggest that we’ve all been misled? Is she trying to imply that – instead of recieving multi-million dollar paycheques as we’d all been lead to believe – she actually leads a humble existence of scrabbling pennies together and scouring the ‘special offer’ racks at her local Oxfam?
We’re sure that all will be revealed when this spectacular opus hits the shelves. If any intrepid hecklers out there would be so good as to actually read it and spill the beans, we’d really appreciate it … because we aren’t going to be touching the thing with a sixty-five-thousand-foot bargepole.
In the meantime, however, hecklerspray has raided secret publishing archives across the land and has compiled a list of this year’s sure-fire, top-ten Celebrity Self-Help Bestsellers! Which ones will you buy?
10. Jimmy Carr – I’m A Twat, You’re A Twat (A Book For Twats)
9. Victoria Beckham – They Only Say You Need Talent
8. John Lydon – Selling Out Is Subjective
7. Renee Zelwegger with Halle Berry – Let’s Start Crying
6. Vernon Kay – Smile All The Time And They’ll Think You Can Read And Write
5. George Lucas – One Idea And Thirty Years: A Milking Strategy
4. Chris Moyles – Eating Takes The Pain Away
3. Jodie Marsh – Use Your Tits And The Face Won’t Matter
2. David Baddiel – What would Frank do?
1. Stephen Fry – Adverts Are Easy: How To Pay The Bills
We simply can’t wait …
[story by C J Davies]