So, in case you don’t live on the planet Earth, I’ll let you know that the fame-hating, super modest and humble couple, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian (Kimye), are allegedly getting married on May 24th. I’m sure it will be the least extravagant, least pretentious, least WTF wedding ever. In case you’re like my old roommate Erin, who had a bizarre inability to tell when I’m joking, I will let you know that I am, in fact, joking. Kanye will probably make this shit all “high fashion” and experimental by wearing a leather, white grown and making Kim wear a tux made out of raccoon eyelashes. Yes, I said he’d be wearing the gown.
Anyway, sources are saying that Kanye asked his super BFFAAPAD (best friends for ever and always plus a day), Jay-Z, if he would be his best man, and you know what Jay-Z said? NO! Jay-Z said he would be apart of the fuckery that is Kimye’s wedding, and you know why? Because he and Beyoncé (who I like to call Bey-Z) want nothing to do with that tacky ass Keeping up with The Kardashians shit. Yeah, no duh.
Someone cue a gif of Kim Kardashian’s ugly crying face, because this shit is hilarious and tragic. Actually, no wait, this is better:
Since the Kardashians feel a need to put every single important moment of their damn life on tv (which Kanye is obviously starting to accept, hence their televised proposal…which I obviously watched), there is a pretty good chance that the cameras will be rolling during the Kimye wedding, and Bey-Z wants no part of that shit, which is why Jay-Z was all like “sorry bro” when Kanye asked him to be best man.
A “source” (probably Blue Ivy) explained:
Jay is Kanye’s closest friend so he wants him to be best man. Jay agreed initially but had one condition – under no circumstances can there be any reality TV shows filming him, his wife, Beyoncé or daughter Blue Ivy during the ceremony… The thought of popping up in KUWTK mortifies Beyoncé. She purposefully keeps herself away from trashy TV and isn’t prepared to lower her standards for anyone, or any occasion… Bosses at E! are desperate to get the nuptials on air, and will pay millions to make it happen.
So basically, Jay-Z and Beyoncé think they’re too good for Kim’s reality tv show. Which, let’ be real for a second here, they are. And you know what? Since we’re being real, can I just ask why the fuck is it that we refer to her as Blue Ivy instead of just Blue? I mean, basically everyone has a goddamn middle name, but for some reason the media latches on to the full names of only certain celebrity babies.
Suri Cruise has a middle name, they announced it when she was born, but damned if I remember it. But you know who’s middle names I do know? Britney Spears’ sons: Sean Preston and Jayden James, because the media always refers to them by both name. WHY?! Ok, I’ve really gone off topic here…I have pneumonia, cut a girl some slack.
The fact that a Kardashian will do anything for a dollar basically guarantees that this train wreck of a wedding will be televised. Every fucking detail of Kim’s relationships have been filmed, I doubt she’s going to change that just to get Beyoncé to come her wedding.
I mean, it’s not that she wouldn’t totally kiss Beyoncé’s ass, but it’s kind of like that “if a tree falls in the woods and no one’s around, does it still make a noise” thing. If Beyoncé comes to your wedding, but there are no cameras around to film it, does it even matter? Something to think about.