In the left corner we have a man who promotes food, speaks a little bit funny, has the strong support of a close-knit family behind him and looks a bit of an idiot sometimes.
Jamie Oliver? Close – we are of course referring to every child?s favourite creepy clown, Ronald McDonald.
Poor Ronald McDonald has had to face a lot of criticism over the last few years. While no-one can deny that a child is left happier after eating one of his meals, it’s been alleged that it might be down to the gallons of junk flowing through their veins. So step in Jamie Oliver to declare war against foods that are supposedly bad for us. He obviously hasn't heard our motto as we believe the greasier something is, the tastier it gets. But in a strange turn of events, Jamie is now praising the practices of Ronald and his chums.
Now that the news has broken that Jamie Oliver has found it acceptable to drink litres of BBQ sauce and live off Big Macs, we have to wonder what his intentions are. No pictures have emerged of make-up across his cockney mug after kissing ass to the best-known clown in the business. Though we can imagine an exclusive in a grotty Sunday tabloid fairly soon.
In a comment that will surely cause our American friends to punch their ripples of fat in anger, Jamie Oliver took a swipe at McDonalds in America. Which we assume is just like the UK McDonalds, but only with stupidly bigger portions. He said:
“McDonald’s in the UK is very different to the US model – the quality of beef, they only sell free-range eggs, they only sell organic milk, their ethics and recycling is being improved and improved.?
So what would Jamie Oliver be doing with Ronald McDonald? It can't be a sordid love affair, as now the entire world knows about them. Nor is he ditching Sainsbury?s to promote a new line of free-range organic bacon sandwiches that were smoked in a bike shed. Then it dawned on us, McDonalds are the dons when it comes to giving away toys that aren't amazingly crap and cost about two quid.
This got us thinking – if McDonalds were to launch a range of Happy Meal toys featuring Jamie Oliver and other chefs, what would they be like? Save up your pennies children in order to collect the full set. Or ask the disgruntled burger-flipper if he can slip you them for free:
Jamie Oliver ? The miniature Jamie doll comes complete with a cardboard cut-out staircase where you can spend hours moving him from the top to the bottom. Once the thrill of that wears off, you can always hang him from the banister.
Gordon Ramsay ? Milk lover Gordon doesn't do anything but comes with a drawstring that features five phrases, including ?You stupid fuck you've ruined the McNuggets? and ?I'd rather drink my own piss then your shit coffee?.
Heston Blumenthal ? Eggheaded food mentalist Heston comes with the most amount of fun accessories. Not only can you mix and match small amounts of chemicals to make weird explosions, but a free welding kit means you can attach a lobster to a tool box and see how it tastes when combined with water from the River Thames.
The Hairy Bikers ? Can't grow a beard? Don't worry; genuine shavings of their sweaty facial hair can be yours. However, it's advised you don't put any in your mouth. One of the cheeky scamps shaved off his pubes when he was pissed and added it into the supply chain.
Obviously we can't confirm if the greasy faced kids working at McDonalds still spit in your food and jizz in the milkshake – but somewhere deep underground in a volcanic layer, we hope Ronald McDonald didn't hear what Jamie Oliver said. Things will only get nasty.
After all, the Hamburgler will get called to bugger things up. And you don't want to mess with that crazy fool.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter