Childhood. Happy times loved and cherished by all. Back when you were little, you didn’t have anything major to worry about it. As a 11-year-old, the thought of getting a job in the real world, finding a mortgage and maybe even going to university were just distant things. Nothing to worry about.
Being a kid also meant you could do stuff that you can’t really do now when you’re all mature – and get away with them, too. Things like, say, shouting a barrage of swearwords at fat-mouthed middle-class "I've got an olive in me helmet" posterboy dinnerlady Jamie Oliver for making your school canteen sell only sticks of celery.
They say that being at school is one of the happiest times of your life. God knows why, we never really liked having to do endless tests every year, reading crap books of no interest and working out the circumference of a circle using some bizarre method called pie. Food. Now, there something that was a minor high at school; it wasn’t the tastiest of stuff but having the opportunity to stuff yourself senseless on burgers, chips, cake and whatever else you could find was class! For five days a week you could eat whatever you wanted and feel moderately happy at school.
However, there’s always someone out there to come along and ruin the fun, ain’t there? And the person to try and take away our burgers and chips is everybody’s favourite mockney chief Jamie Oliver. Because he force-feeds his own kids healthy stuff, Jamie Oliver believes he can do the same to everybody else. Over the last four years or so, bloody Jamie Oliver has been trotting round the schools of England and telling various scraggy-looking dinnerladies that their satanic methods of feeding our fresh-faced kids junkfood is sending them to an early grave. Slowly but surely he removed all the tasty grub and replaced it with a mouth-watering selection of salads.
Now is it us? Or do kids not want this kind of stuff severed to them on their plastic trays at lunchtime? Whilst we know that pushing giant greasy reconstituted meat products into your face all the time probably isn't the healthiest diet, you’re only young once! Why not let the tykes live a little? As noodlebrained Jamie Oliver found, when faced with nothing but vegetables, most of the kids buggered off to the chip shop to fill themselves up – which in theory is even worse for you then school junk. At least school junk isn’t floating around in six inches of grease. Four inches of grease, tops, but not six.
But bless Jamie Oliver. Its all gotten too much for some schoolchildren. They’ve resorted to calling him naughty words. Jamie Oliver told Jonathan Ross:
"I have been trying to change things for four years. It's an emotional thing for me. But at the schools I have never been called so many rude things so regularly. The kids definitely let you know when they don't like you!"
We can’t imagine what they could say to break his spirit, but we seriously doubt it'd going to be anything like “motherfucker,” “shithead,” "daft speech-impedimented Sainsburys-advertising twat” or so on. We think it'd be more along the lines of “silly head”, “Jamie Oliver smells of poo” or the most offensive line of all: “Gay Boy Oliver”.
Here at hecklerspray we say let the kids eat the junk if they want to. Once they balloon in weight and get abused themselves, they’ll learn the hard way and quickly diet. In other Jamie Oliver-related thoughts, we wonder if he’s ever had a kebab! Probably not like; but if he’s willing to, we’ll give £50 to charity if he chows one down with a large portion of chips and a pitta bread on TV.
Read more:
Jamie Oliver Hated By Schoolchildren – Digital Spy
[story by Matthew Laidlow]