With Big Brother finishing this week, you’d think we’d be free of reality TV for a while.
Well you can take that assumption and shove it down the toilet. Various broadcasters have given the green light to more of them than ever. X Factor contains more sob stories and wobbly contestants then ever before and Strictly Come Dancing has returned – sadly with no variation. Surely everyone agrees with us when we say Strictly Come Dancing On Broken Glass And Stinging Nettles would have generated more interest?
Not content with having one reality show on their network, ITV has decided to launch a brand new show on the less popular ITV2 channel. CelebAir sees eleven celebrities staffing a real plane as it flies genuine people on holiday. Now, we realise that airplane security has been strict lately, but surely this is an act of terrorism in the making.
Would you really trust eleven people who are only using this dire excuse of a programme for magazine stories to look after you 30,000 feet up in the air? No, of course you wouldn’t. It’d be like asking Gary Glitter to babysit your children.
Still, there are plenty of deluded people out there – including programme commissioners at ITV, who really think it’s a good idea to have a whole platter of washed-up celebrities looking after people on a plane. So who are these people who’ll get the chance to clean up your vomit and accidentally scald you with coffee? According to a press release they are:
Tamara Beckwith – Famous for being famous, she seems to have a knack for being on terribly made reality shows. Check out her CV – Celebrity Scissorhands, Come Dine With Me, Celeb Detox, So You Think You Can Teach and Celebrities Under Pressure.
Chico – The really irritating novelty from X Factor returns to drop in his crap catchphrase of “what time is it?” 356 times per episode. Never trust anyone with just one name. Remember Hitler?
Phil Cornwall – Actor and comedian who will try and put a brave face on the fact he is starring in this show, but will actually weep in the corner when not on camera.
Kenzie – One of the former members of Blazin’ Squad who at best resembled a pissed-up gang of kids on a Friday night. Most notably known for being ripped to shreds on Never Mind The Buzzcocks and nothing else apart from other reality shows.
Amy Lamé – Her surname sums up this show. But without the fancy spelling. We know this before it’s even started.
Lisa Maffia – Despite having a name that sounds like she has connections to the criminal underworld, her craptastic solo career has seen her star in other dire reality shows like The Games.
Michelle Marsh – The producer’s choice to get more blokes watching. She will no doubt mention that she wants people to believe she is intelligent and can do everyday tasks without getting her tits out.
Dan O’ Connor – We thought he was the son of Des O’ Connor but apparently he’s not.
Mica Paris – The blurb about Mica says she hit the big time back in 1988 when she released her debut, platinum-selling album So Good. Good to see someone is still chewing the fat on their fifteen minutes of fame.
Lisa Scott-Lee – The ex-Steps singer failed to impress anyone with her own MTV series and the memory of her skating around during Dancing On Ice makes us want to remove our eyes with a blunt knife.
Johnny Shentall – Famed for being married to the not very famous Lisa Scott-Lee, he is yet another failed singer that gives a total of six rubbish musicians for the show.
And if that wasn’t enough, it’s presented by Angellica Bell. You know, the ex-kids TV presenter who is struggling to find proper work. Never mind, this show has all the makings of a comedy despite it meant to be a serious and grueling test for those involved.
CelebAir starts tonight on ITV2 at 9pm – keep fresh batteries near you just in case the ones in the remote happen to fail.