This weekend, moviegoers were forced to make a harrowing choice – do they pay to go and see a film starring the flesh and blood Ashton Kutcher or a film starring a cartoon Ashton Kutcher with antlers?
Unsurprisingly, the cartoon Ashton Kutcher won out. Open Season – roughly the 863rd computer animated film about funny animals to be released this year – is the top movie in the US weekend box office. That leaves The Guardian – the movie where a sadly unantlered Ashton Kutcher doesn't get pelted with nuts by a million angry squirrels – at US weekend box office number two.
We've just had a sudden horrific thought; as we speak Ashton Kutcher is currently the biggest moviestar in the world. With his US weekend box office one-two of Open Season and The Guardian, there is no bigger filmstar on planet Earth at the moment. That sort of upsets us a little bit; not just because the idea of Ashton Kutcher being bigger than Bruce Willis, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise rolled into one makes us fear for our own sanity, but because Open Season and The Guardian's combined US weekend box office success means that Ashton Kutcher's cinematic high point is no longer giving a Nazi a blowjob in The Butterfly Effect. Here's the US weekend box office top five…
1 – Open Season (Open Season employed an army of animators and cost $85 million to make – roughly the same sort of operation that it took to digitally remove Ashton Kutcher's opportunist, half-understood Kabbalah wristband in A Lot Like Love) $23,000,000
2 – The Guardian (Sadly it looks as the producers of The Guardian's plan to promote their movie by getting Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher to make a series of halfhearted inspirational soundbites to coast guards was bettered by Open Season's plan to get Ashton Kutcher to make a series of halfhearted inspirational soundbites to comedy cartoon deers) $17,667,000
3 – Jackass Number Two (Slipping to number three after reaching US weekend box office number one last week, possibly because Jackass Number Two doesn't feature Ashton Kutcher being forced to drink a bucket of horse sperm while a midget repeatedly kicks him in the balls) $14,010,000
4 – School For Scoundrels (Imagine a film that stars both Napoleon Dynamite and Bad Santa. Imagine it. Imagine it. Now imagine how disappointed you'd be when you discover that School For Scoundrels is nothing like that description whatsoever, even though that's how 87% of movie critics have described it) $9,109,000
5 – Jet Li's Fearless (Make the most of it folks; Jet Li's Fearless is officially the last kung-fu movie that Jet Li ever makes. Well, at least until Jet Li realises that not very many people want to go and see Jet Li's Happy Little Christmas Orphanage anyway) $4,702,000
[story by Stuart Heritage]