Apparently while I’ve been here like “derp derp derp”, writing letters to Chris Carter about what’s going to happen on “The X-Files”, the biggest scandal and mystery in the history of Hollywood has been occurring! If you’re wondering why your life hasn’t felt magical lately, it’s probably because you haven’t been exposed to Richard Simmons in a few years, and if you’re wondering why you haven’t been exposed to Richard Simmons in a few years, it’s because he might be missing! OR WORSE: BEING HELD HOSTAGE!
APPARENTLY several of his former close friends are making claims that his crazy ass Mexican house keeper is holding him hostage in his own home and controls his life. I’d feel bad, but Richard Simmons is a flamboyant gay man, so I can’t help but wonder if he’s at least kind of enjoying being caught up in this live action Telenova shit.
Richard hasn’t been seen in public appearance in three years, which is super strange since the man is a big-hair loving fame whore. His former bestie Mauro Oliveira told Daily Mail Online that Simmons’ housekeeper is controlling him with black magic and maybe poisoning him so she can inherit all his money when he dies.
According to Mauro none of their friends have been able to see Richard since 2014 and no one hears from him and everything goes through the house keeper and it’s all VERY shady and spooky scary.
So, just so you’re clear, Richard Simmons, the world’s most flamboyant fitness enthusiast, is maybe being held hostage in his mansion by his Mexican maid who may or may not be using black magic to control him, while also poisoning him so she can get all that sweet Richard Simmons money.
I don’t think this is real life. I think this is the new season of Scream Queens. Jamie Lee Curtis and Niecy Nash can play the sassy detectives who butt heads while trying to solve the case; Emma Roberts can play Richard’s long lost niece who suspiciously shows up to help find her uncle, but she has ulterior motives; Lea Michele can play the 64-year-old Mexican maid because a) Hollywood loves white washing and b) as my last blog suggested, Hollywood doesn’t like old bitches; and finally, Glen Powell who played the AMAZING Chad Radwell, can play Richard himself.
I mean, I realize this is Richard Simmons’ real life and it all sounds scary and horrible, but I would totally watch that show.