Fame can be acquired in a variety of ways. Sometimes, you have to be high on the way back from the dentist. Or you have to gargle someone else’s feces. Or Charlie has to bite your finger. There’s an unlimited amount of methods that one can use to become famous.
Oh, I should have specified that I’m talking about the internet kind of famous. The internet, where 90% of everything, including the celebrities, sucks.
Dane Beodigheimer and The Annoying Orange
Dane Beodigheimer created the Annoying Orange, in which a moving, screaming mouth is superimposed over an orange. If you think there’s something more to the humor of this, you’re wrong. I don’t even want to classify the Annoying Orange as comedy. It makes jokes in the same way that pro wrestlers give handshakes – abrasively, with possible ulterior motives.
The script for an Annoying Orange episode is an all-caps screaming match between the titular orange and whatever fake thing that was deemed unlucky enough to be put into proximity to it. Usually, I wouldn’t feel sorry for a pear with eyes or a talking cheeseburger, but if you set the Annoying Orange next to a picture of the Pearl Harbor attack, I’d still have trouble picking which one I felt more strongly opposed to. Dane’s editing software has to be coaxed into working every time an episode is being pieced together, and if you play enough Annoying Orange clips on your computer, your computer is morally obligated to alert authorities about the child abuse you’ve been taking part in.
I’m sure some people find the Annoying Orange to be funny. I don’t know who these people are, nor do I want to meet them, no matter how many nice things they may say to me through their Predator-mouths. If you asked a person why they liked the Annoying Orange, they’d be too busy laughing and eating you to answer. The demographic for this show probably doesn’t even consider it an actual piece of entertainment, but rather the directions for where to hide the bodies once their parents go to sleep. If you play an episode backwards, it acts as a dog whistle for rapists.
Not much is known about poor Edgar. His single video on YouTube is the Bigfoot footage of whining and poor balance. Edgar moves like he’s trying to remember where his legs are. If you asked Edgar to walk a straight line, he’d test positively for being drunk every time. He carries a walking stick, but that’s like putting two steel girders together with a piece of gum. You see Edgar and you see the creek, and, since you’ve watched enough online videos to know that those things together equal a death trap, you can only wait.
Edgar gets in the middle of the log bridge and pauses. What may be his brother, or the devil, stands on the other end. Edgar knows what’s going to happen. His fat child abuse alarms are blaring, because all the indications are there. I was never a fat child, but I’ve watched enough teasing to know that they can sense when people are going to make fun of them. It’s usually in situations where their lack of regular earth stability will play against them. And, with the water, the camera, Satan’s will and a narrow, un-sturdy bridge, this is what meteorologists refer to as “a perfect storm.”
Edgar waits for a while, pleading. As I’ve said, he knows what’s coming. When his brother/friend/demon grabs the log, he drops down. It’s his only defense maneuver. A normal child could move back off the log. But Edgar is no normal child. The fates have aligned to piss on his day, and he can only act to make the drop a shorter one.
Let me make it clear that I don’t know any Spanish. Thus, I have no idea what “Yah whey!” means. Considering the circumstances, though, I can assume that it can be translated into “You skinny fucker. I know what you’re doing and I will smother you in your sleep with my left forearm if you go through with it. You’re life will forever be a nightmare if you drop that log.”
The boy then drops the log and a few things happen at once. First, every bit of gravity that has ever existed, and will ever exist, presses down upon Edgar like someone’s last day as an elephant trainer. He falls on top of both logs, and there’s a millisecond where you think that nature and nurture won’t be dicks. But that is not in God’s plan. In a move that I’d like to call “Godlfingering” (alluding to the scene in Goldfinger when Auric Goldfinger is sucked out the window of a plane), Edgar squeezes down between the logs.
His body responds to this in the only way it knows how – by going completely bonkers. His right leg flies up in an attempt to kick gravity for doing this to him, and his head snaps back, to gaze for a moment at his tormenter. From then on, it’s just sobbing and a slow wade to the creek’s edge. I won’t fault Edgar for his fall, but I will fault him for reminding us of the ineptitude of man in the grand scheme of the universe. We are simply play things of the cosmos. And for showing me that, I say eat shit, Edgar.
The VLOG is a great way to let people know how consistently horrible you can be. Thanks to YouTube, you can upload as much as you want, about anything you want. Let me say it again, people watering at the mouth. Anything you want. Does it need any kind of special editing? Does it need to hold any importance that is relative to today’s culture?
Nope to both of those questions.
All it needs is you, and most of the time, if you’re creating something where all you do is talk to a stationary camera, you aren’t good at it. Trust me. Talking is one thing that nearly everyone does at some point after the age of baby, but add not moving and a single camera, and the odds of fucking it up increase dramatically in the favor of hilarity.
I didn’t keep up with Chris Crocker for a few years. I saw him originally when most of the world did, as he yelled for everyone to leave Britney Spears alone, and was subsequently parodied by every unfunny person in the universe. After that, I really couldn’t have cared less. But then, when I decided to write this list, I wondered what he’d been doing recently. I went to his YouTube channel and saw, on the header, a new Chris, with a shaved head. Oh, he’s trying to be an actor now, I thought. He’s trying to turn his online presence into a legitimate career. That’s nice.
I thought that maybe he’d calmed down on all the masturbatory rant videos and explanations about his problems with the outside world, all stemming from the outside world just not understanding him. From the first twenty second of his latest video, I realized that he was the same old Chris. He pouts and purses his lip, snuggles a pillow and says “mmmmm.” His first sentence is “Do you guys ever just feel like you’re too much for people?” All of his sentences after that may as well have been “Don’t listen to this. Don’t listen to this.” His monologue is like the Tourette syndrome that someone might get if their favorite memory was the bottom of a toilet outside a middle school dance.
He wishes that people had big enough brains to accept him and his “big personality,” which can be shortened to “I’m whining. Why don’t you care?” I don’t need to watch anymore of his videos to label him as one of the worst online celebrities. He represents all the unnecessary neediness that drives annoying people to make VLOG’s. It’s the kind of attention that requires nothing but a camera to receive, and all the people doing it still aren’t getting any hugs.
If you’ve ever wanted to watch a girl wearing cat ears teach you Japanese words, or read a thousand comments about that girl’s boobs, then Hannah Minx is perfect for you. If you don’t, then I’m sure that you’ll be very successful with your degree. Once again, I have no idea what the demographic that this figure reaches is, but I’m sure it’s charted somewhere under “Able to handle high levels of mental stress” and “Enjoys thinking of bras.”
Hannah Minx videos are all filmed pointing down, so that her cleavage is prominently displayed. If you’ve never touched breasts before, even if you’re viewing it from your lap top, watching a Minx video will still be your first time. That is, if you can handle her “random” jokes and complete lack of anything resembling a human voice. I didn’t know that someone could so expertly control a soundboard that only plays the precise moment when a bumper hits a cat, but someone needs to destroy that soundboard before Minx gets anymore use out of it.
To best explain the reasons that Minx is one of the worst internet celebrities, allow me to share a comment on one of her videos.
“I want those tits. In my mouth.”
I’m sorry for that, everything sexual in the future. And I rest my case.