Hugh Hefner is old so it is funny that he’s getting married, especially given that his wife-to-be is roughly 6000 years younger than him. It gives us the opportunity to snigger at the potential bedroom antics of the newlyweds, with Hef trying to develop enough moisture to cry as his erection fails him once more.
And seeing as he’s got a face like a newborn’s hand, Hefner’s bride-to-be Crystal Harris, is clearly marrying him because she really, really loves him and not at all for his vast fortune amassed from padding around in a dressing gown and gurgling at naked Aryans (in fairness to Hugh, we bet he’s cracking company around the dinner table and has the most amazing anecdotes in the celeb world).
With this being a wedding which everyone thinks is plain stupid, Crystal will be wearing pink as Hugh takes her up the aisle.
If he stays alive long enough, the Playboy mogul, who’s age we have to determine by carbon dating, will exchange vows with the 24 year old in June. We suspect Hefner’s stag-do will be a pub crawl around Southend, climaxing with Hugh puking his ring in the toilets of a grotty strip club, empty with the exception of Christina Aguilera’s ‘Dirrrrrty’ bouncing off the walls and two disinterested girls slowly gyrating around a pole with their minds squarely on their imminent cigarette break.
Harris says:
“The dress is not going to be white. I love pink! So, the dress will be pink and Hef and I want the wedding to be just a lot of different colours and to just look beautiful.”
Hefner’s penis pills are rumoured to be the ‘something blue’ that tradition requires for such an occasion.
In more eye-blitzing news, the couple have also ordered a strawberry cake and flowers in fuchsia and turquoise. Imagine it. Picture it in your mind’s eye.
Have you thrown up on yourself yet?
Still, you’re in a better shape than those who went to the Playboy mansion and caught legionnaires disease. Maybe this wedding will give everyone a dose of cowpox?
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