When summer comes thundering round, we all know what it’s set to bring – ice cream, crappy weather and another soul-sapping series of Big Brother.
In the beginning, Big Brother was a crazy experiment which for once didn’t involve cutting people open or giving them drugs which would result in the growth of an extra eye. Instead, it was set to monitor the results of living in a controlled human environment. Or as most viewers interpreted it, a chance to maybe see some people have sex. But as time has gone on, the experimental phase has vanished and contestants have used Big Brother as a platform to launch a career. None are ever successful and, brilliantly for us, we get to see them crash and burn.
It’s now the turn of Chanelle Hayes.
The ninth series of Big Brother is due to hit the UK in a couple of weeks, which only means we will be in store for more tantrums, bitching, crap romances which will end six months after the show finishes, swearing, potentially racist comments and someone to become the new national idiot.
Every year, one of the contestants annoyingly lingers around like a bad fart once the show has ended. Unfortunately for us, it’s Chanelle Hayes, a woman who still seems like the hideous creation of someone determined to show us the opposite of how humans should act and behave around around others.
Jesus, was she an annoying cow. Listening to a car alarm for half an hour or shitting glass seemed more appealing that sitting through her endless tyrant of squeaks, moans and arguments with anyone who’d listen.
Amazingly, Chanelle was somehow signed by a talent agency. Not because she had any talent or credibility, but because if she took her clothes off, opened her mouth and looked vaguely seductive, blokes could imagine she was about to give them a blowjob.
After modelling and destroying TV shows, Chanelle has now turned her hand to singing. Of course, it’s absolute bollocks and Chanelle is the only one deluded enough to believe that it will actually sell. Because everyone suddenly likes dance music, this is genre that she’s gone and destroyed. Her single I Want It is a bland slab of Balearic house which hasn’t exactly had leading DJs queuing up in order to play it.
But let’s give Chanelle some credit. Because she knows it’ll bomb, she’s said:
“I’ve spent time in the recording studio and I’ve got all these songs for an album so if the single is a success then I’ll do an album. But if it’s not then I won’t inflict any more pain on you all!”
Good, she’s soon to be gone when her single crash lands in at number 178. However it’s not all good news. With a new series of Big Brother on the way, we can only guess that’ll they’ll be another gaggle of plebs emerging who’ll want to launch a dream singing career.
So more than likely we’ll run the same story next year and just replace ‘Chanelle Hayes’ with some other idiot. You’ll never notice.
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gir says
We’ll never notice because we didn’t read it in the first place. Ha! Chew on that, Heritage.
Stuart Heritage says
Hey, don’t be dragging me into all this!
gir says
Look, Stuart, we all know Laidlow is an invention so that you can feel, however fleetingly, like a non-jealous non-rich person who doesn’t look disturbingly like Hugh Grant after some peroxide and a three day bender.
David Turner says
This is not based on fact. I work at Universal and see the midweek chart. She is at 62 which is the highest new entry midweek this week (as new releases have a day less sales)
it is looking like going into the Top 40 this week.
Maybe get facts correct before you publish next time!!
gir says
Here at hecklerspray, rather than focusing on “facts”, we prefer to work from the basis of how the world ought to be.
mithaearon says
The bint owes be a new TV. I was flicking channels came across her show and throw the remote at the tv…
LOL says
She fell to 64 in todays update.
Chances of that top 40 spot not looking too good now eh David Turner :D
Amy says
Erggggg what a sad bint. Get her off!!! In the real world she is forgotten, hardily anyone remembers her. Mags only publish short often critical comments, its only the DS/STAR mag which give her time-because she is employed by them. Her TVs shows are hardily success, VH1 isnt that great, perhaps MTV and without the show her music career wouldnt even make it to the 200000 spot! She has milked her ugly VB wannabe styles and her tantrum, spoilt, attention-seeking obsessive ways..Everyone else couldnt give a damn.. neither do the real normal people. Anyone who sees this girl as a role model needs thier head examined, she was an irratating fart on BB.
And roll on new BB9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jack says
http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/music/a95691/chanelle-hayes-blasts-skanky-sugababe.html