While Simon Cowell prepares to spend the late Summer/Early Autumn explaining to people with special needs that while they might be special, it’s not the good singing special that he’s after, the Strictly Come Dancing judges have already vetted their contestants, fishing instead from the very deep waters of minor celebrity.
Allow us to introduce the sixteen famous faces preparing to show the exact contours of their crotches to the nation…
Zoe Lucker
This year’s mid-30s representative, Zoe already knows what it feels like to be a big winner – she picked up a gong at the TV Quick Awards a few years back for playing a WAG. In real life she has hair as blonde as Lawrence of Arabia’s pubes.
Joe Calzaghe
Normally when Joe Calzaghe takes centre stage, it’s to punch someone as much as possible in the face until they fall over, so the producers have taken the precaution of teaming him up with the one who looks like Dolph Lundgren playing a prostitute. She was John Sergeant‘s “partner” last year.
Ricky Groves
One of two Albert Square representatives, Ricky is already the second favourite to lose the entire series. No one from EastEnders has made much of a dent on proceedings since barrel-chested Sharon proved that even the most clumsily assembled bodies can be capable of expressing love to classical music.
Lynda Bellingham
Fans of adverts will remember Lynda as the gravel-voiced 60-a-day mum on the gravy commercials. She proved that a small powdery cube can work wonders on a lasagne. But will people be equally impressed when she accidentally flashes her wrinkly thighs whilst gingerly attempting a tango? Or will the nation be dry puking and shouting for water?
Rav Wilding
If you watch Crimewatch, you’ll already be familiar with Rav. He’s this year’s cherubic beefcake, whose job it is to win over unhappy wives by ignoring convention and slowly pelvic thrusting into camera one, causing a sudden tightening in Bruno‘s trousers.
Phil Tufnell
Make no mistake, Tufnell will be a horrible ballroom dancer. Anyone who saw his skin-tight lack of co-ordination on Hole In The Wall will already be very familiar with his lurching ways. Expect him and Len to descend into much “oi oi” barrow boy talk, if only to prove that this glitzy stuff isn’t just for posh gay people.
Martina Hingis
As an ex-tennis player, and one-time suspected cocaine head, Martina will not be short of confidence. Already cleverly dubbed “Hing-er Rogers”, her pushy mum will probably be ever present, silently pumping her fists in amongst the cheerful studio audience who just went along for a laugh.
Ricky Whittle
Ricky, for those of you who don’t know, is in Hollyoaks – the drama series following the rise and fall of Tony the chef. He plays Jambo‘s older brother Perseus. We think. We don’t watch Hollyoaks. Not any more.
Ali Bastion
Like Ricky, Ali was once in Hollyoaks too. We did watch it then. She was the one who nailed Justin Burton in the sixth form common room, then got done for murder. Or something. But will she be nailing anyone underage in the Strictly Come Dancing studio? You’ll have to watch to find out.
Natalie Cassidy
Cassidy played a cruel trick on the world when she toned up her body, but refused to improve her face, causing a slurry of male anticipation followed by fury as they eyeballed her taut impressive curves, then finally twigged that it was Sonia from EastEnders. She has since wised up and piled it all back on. Equilibrium restored.
Chris Hollins
No one knows who Chris Hollins is. Even amongst his own, he is considered only a minor family member. To remedy this, the brains behind the show have teamed him up with Ola, the slutty one who likes to dance with her genitals almost showing.
Laila Rouass
Unless you’re a big Footballers Wives fan, you’re going to be a bit lost this year. That’s where Laila really made a firm impression as an actress, although she was once in an episode of Family Affairs as well. She played Tanya Ayuba. Great times.
Jade Johnson
This year’s sexy athlete is Jade Johnson, who has made a big name for herself by jumping enormous distances into a sand pit wearing just some knickers, an athletic vest, some shoes with spikes on them, and presumably some socks. Unlike that South African bloke who won the running race, Jade definitely doesn’t have a cock.
Richard Dunwoody
A former jockey, who famously rode Desert Orchid to victory in some race, Richard will be hoping to bring out a similarly great performance when he’s riding Lilia Kopylova around the shiny dance floor, hysterically smacking her bottom in front of a startled studio audience.
Craig Kelly
Once of Queer as Folk, now of Corrie, Craig has obviously decided to quash any possible gay rumours by butching it up on Strictly Come Dancing. Another one guaranteed to muster an impressive Bruno erection.
Jo Wood
Ronnie Wood‘s estranged wife has decided to show the world that she can cope after being dumped for a tiny Russian girl by awkwardly attempting a waltz with bad boy of ballroom dancing, Brendan Cole. Ronnie will be too busy having unbelievable life-affirming intercourse to notice.
This was a wonderful guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment. Yay he.