Separating the sweet, juicy flesh from the stone and skin of upcoming major label releases.
Another very diverse week, stretching from ludicrous pomp-metal, through hardcore country, to bagpipe-rock.
You heard us: bagpipe-rock.
Music this week works its way from Zakk Wylde‘s anarcho nonsense rockers Black Label Society, through lynching aficionado Charlie Daniels, all the way out to madcap bagpipers Red Hot Chilli Pipers.
Enjoy, won’t you?
Firstly, Order Of The Black, Black Label Society. Now, we have to begin this review with a warning about Order Of The Black, by Black Label Society. Seriously, this band are SERIOUSLY NAUGHTY PEOPLE. Here’s what their PR says about them:
BLS has turned the notion of what a rock band should be upside down by inspiring legions of fans (known as Berserkers) all over the world to follow the mantra: Strength, Determination, Merciless, Forever (SDMF for short).
Wylde and his Berserkers have established a heavy metal institution true to the vision of uncompromising, unfiltered and unrestrained rock n’ roll.
Yeah? Are you getting that? They not only have a band acronym, but also one for a frankly unworkable worldview. AND, they have an army of “berserkers” standing ready to inflict SDMF on the world. (Oh, and as secondary goals: free blue denim for everybody, mandatory patches on all leather jackets, and no more laughing at 35-year-old men who wish to try and deny their quite obvious Male Pattern Baldness by growing their hair long at the back and then always wearing a baseball cap. Thanks.)
Look: if this was 1993, we would be giving this album a huge, leatherclad thumbs up. But, boys, it is 2010. This has all been done before. Song titles like Parade Of The Dead, Godspeed Hellbound and Riders Of The Damned sound like rejects from the Powerslave sessions. And the music is just as old-fashioned.
Seriously, save your money and go buy anything by Ozzy or Iron Maiden. Here’s the thought:
*Into cupped hand* Huuuuuuh. Ah, perfect: my breath smells of Hobgoblin beer, boiled cabbage and blue denim crotch. Time to head out, meet some ladies, and head back to their place for some serious D&D action.
Ozzy and Maiden? Dude, I am so there. Take me, my blue denim bodysuit and my offensively ugly girlfriend to Order of the Black right now.
Secondly, Land That I Love, Charlie Daniels. Charlie is the scariest man in music. Oh yes, you can keep your Marilyn Manson, your Slipknot and your Lady Gaga.
Because your Mango once saw Charlie Daniels perform live at The Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, Tennessee. During the introduction to his most famous song, The Devil Went Down To Georgia, Charlie quoted from another song (Simple Man) to make a political point:
I’ve got a message for all the judges out there. The next time you get a pedophile or a terrorist up in front of you, you order that rascal be taken off into the Florida swamps and tied to a tree stump. AND LET THE ‘GATORS DO THE REST!
Cue violent violins, whooping from the audience, and a request for new pants from your Mango.
So: Charlie Daniels is a maniac. His latest album, Land That I Love, is a handpicked collection of his favorite patriotic songs. To be honest, this review can probably be summed up as: No. Do not even listen to this album because if you do, you will – this is not a joke – be subliminally obliged to rush to your closest American Embassy and demand citizenship.
Just go and buy one of his proper albums instead.
If you’re not quite clued in yet, here are a couple of other song titles: America I Believe In You and This Ain’t No Rag It’s A Flag.
Conclusion: it’s a patriotic best of album by Charlie Daniels, which means an album packed with songs designed to put a tear in the Heartland’s eyes, while leaving the rest of us wishing for another of his straightout country albums with that trademark maniacal violin. Here’s its thought:
They should play this here durn album to all o’ those Al Kidda turrists. This dang thang’d have ’em all Amurrcan cit’zens ‘fore two hours done gone.
Suh, Ah am an honest straightforward Amurrcan. And you, mah friend, will take me to Land That I Love afore Ah kick yur ass from here to next Toosdee.
Thirdly, Blast: Live, Red Hot Chilli Pipers. The Red Hot Chilli PIPERS! Do you see?!
Of course you do, you are a Mangon and therefore of reasonable intelligence.
Okay, the band name is a little bit cheesy, but the music? Hhhmmmm…
Some people just flatout hate bagpipes: no matter how sweet the music, all they can hear is the sound of Janet Street-Porter torturing some kittens with a dental drill.
But the rest of us can see some beauty – some majesty – within the mournful wailing of this ancient instrument. What the Red Hot Chilli Pipers do is take that and transplant it onto modern music. So, Blast: Live features Caledonian mashups of We Will Rock You with Eye Of The Tiger, and Smoke On The Water with Thunderstruck.
Alongside those modern interpretations are some old classics, such as Hills Of Argyll and Little Drummer Boy, and some new works by the Pipers themselves: please, if anyone can tell us why Jazz Badger (The Lochaber Badger) seems so familiar, we’ll give you absolutely no money but lots and lots of kudos. Leave your messages below.
Okay, here’s the thoughts for Blast: Live by the Red Hot Chilli Pipers:
Aye, tha noo ’tis a grand day when the young Piper boys get tae be written aboot on such a webpaper as Hecklerspray. Mah garanny, Old Ma McShetland o’ the clan McWeegie would be propah bosted tae read such a thing. Though she couldnae read o’ course, readin’ bein’ a curse put upon us by tha Unglish *mental spit*.
Hey, laddie: Ah’d layk tae gan tae the Red HOt Chilli Pipers meself. Would yae tak me o’er there tae this?Blast: Live record, ba chance?
Okay, dear Mangons. ‘Tis over for another week. Though if you know of music which should be exploited into many, many ears, then do drop us a line: thegibbo[at]gmail.com
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