It’s time for another round of hecklerspray horoscopes where resident psychic Joanna Bolouri will?blatantly?lie to you for her own amusement.
This week she correctly predicted that Mof Gimmers would end up stinking drunk, face down in a gutter and that Sophie Hall was the one who stole her bra off the bedsit clothes horse and stretched it with her giant lady bumps.
Let’s see what she predicts for you cretins.
Aries (March 21 – Apr 20)
A problem shared on Twitter is just one of the many reasons people keep unfollowing you. ?Stop whining, no-one cares.
Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)
You walk into the kitchen to do something really important but instead you just eat some chicken and your house explodes during the night.
Gemini (May 22 – Jun 22)
With Venus in your house this week, you finally get laid but no-one?believes?you. Including us.
Cancer (Jun 23- Jul 23)
Your girlfriend is cheating on you. No, not you. You don’t have a girlfriend. You’re quite grim really.
Leo (Jul 24 – Aug 23)
The planets collide this week and everyone dies. You are the only survivor. Good luck with that.
Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)
You’re searching for answers and desperately unhappy. Well you must be – you’re on this site. ?On a brighter note, that guy you liked isn’t ignoring you, he’s dead. Every cloud…
Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)
OK Cupid accidentally publishes all of your personal information and STILL no-one bothers to respond.
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Those born under the sign of Scorpio are known for their great sexual prowess, girth and winning personality. ?Check your birth certificate, you may be Cancer.
Capricorn (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
With Jupiter doing something in the sky, you’ll be happy to know that this week brings you great romance and later, herpes.
Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
You fart in front of your boyfriend on Saturday and blame it on the dog. ?On Thursday remember to buy a dog.
Pisces (Feb 20- Mar 20)
Remember that geeky girl you knocked back in University? She won the lottery and got married to someone better than you. Oh and she doesn’t remember you. At all.
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