STARS! PLANETS! THE UNIVERSE! RAINBOWS! ?Erm, CLOUDS!??Can these things really determine you future? Can they? WELL CAN THEY? DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY CAN?
THEY CAN’T.
We can though. We’re spooky. Spooky like Mystic Meg’s face appearing in Russell Grant’s undercrackers. Wooooooooooo! Let’s look at your future shall we? You’re dying to find out when you die aren’t you?
Aries (Mar 21 – April 20)
You put a fiver under your child’s pillow when they lose another tooth. This would be heart warming if your child wasn’t 28 with a raging crack habit.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
The Cosmo(s) is smiling upon you this week and by clicking this link and voting in the ‘Celebrity Blog’ category you’ll make a bunch of lonely, unattractive?writers much happier, thus ensuring a place in Heaven. ?Oh and your fish dies.
Gemini (May 22 – Jun 22)
You feel hurt and?betrayed by a lover on Friday. Remember, success is the best revenge. Failing that, murder comes a close second.
Cancer (Jun 23- Jul 23)
Take a look in the mirror and really see yourself as others see you. Not pretty is it?
Leo (July 24 – Aug 23)
Changes to your Facebook privacy settings cause great paranoia and irrational thought, so you decide to delete the?internet and possibly the world.
Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)
You finally stop smoking only to be knocked down and killed by a man called B. Hedges. In Mayfair.
Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)
A man tells you he loves you today. Yes, he loves you. OH HOW HE LOOOOVVEESSSS YOOOUUUU. It’s Matt Cardle. Never mind.
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Remember that slow and steady wins the race. Unless you’re in an actual race.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
People born under this sign are generally disgusting human beings and terrible roommates who will masturbate in your bed while you’re at work.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
You sneeze and piss your pants at the same time on a crowded bus. No one sits next to you ever again.
Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
You get a blinding headache and wake up with a French accent. Girls finally show interest. Result.
Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
Your week show real promise and it could be the best one EVER! ?But it isn’t. You drop you Ipod into a volcano by accident.