Yesterday, the entire population of the UK all attempted to try and get their paws on one of 137,500 tickets for Glastonbury, with the traditional speech made by some smug bastard from BT remarking on how their new phone system could handle the barrage of calls from punters.
Of course, the phone system crashed seven seconds after lines opened, leaving many in a state of panic. Despite this, Glastonbury sold out in 90 minutes as people repeatedly refreshed their web page and drew blood from punching the redial button on the phone. Many were left disappointed without tickets. But thanks to hecklerspray’s handy guide, you can experience the festival yourself for half the price – and minus the hippies too!
Glastonbury is notoriously cramped and finding even an inch of room is essential for survival. If your garden can cater for 50, you must invite at least 100. This is so that you can enjoy falling over someone in the dark and making a twat of yourself when trying to find your way to bed at night.
At the end of Glastonbury you are going to smell like shit. In order to feel like the poor sods at this year's festival you mustn’t wash during its duration. Random stray dogs may crawl into your garden and hump your leg in admiration of your scent, but – hey – that's the Glastonbury experience dude! If flies start nesting in your hair, you know you’ve achieved this.
Mud and Glastonbury go together like fish and chips, alcohol and cigarettes and Pete Doherty and heroin. No matter how confident the weather report appears to be, it will get muddy and you will end up looking like a shit-caked tramp. If your garden Glastonbury escapes the rain, then simply get a hose, turn it on full and drown your garden for a good hour. Then watch the mayhem of people scrambling to find their possessions.
Toilets are always an issue for anyone at a festival. Glastonbury has it worse, however, as it lasts longer then most events over the summer. Some people try not to go, but this is quite hard as the body needs to get rid of all that bad stuff at some point. Blokes have it easier then women. We can just piss in a pint cup and lob it in to the crowd, hopefully hitting some trendy student and ruining their £130 limited edition Gucci T-shirt. But in this case, lob it at the next door neighbour who you don’t like. You girls have a tricky task when it's toilet time. Not so subtle to have a sly wee whilst surrounded by thousands of people, is it? The only real option is to not wee at all, or just piss yourself. No-one will mind – you’ll all end up smelling of piss anyway and you’ll all become one mass piss unit.
Food is always a dodgy subject at any festival but at Glastonbury you’ll find Romanian hags serving diarrhoea-like broth from a manky-looking bowl for the bargain price of £6. If your cultural side doesn’t want to embrace something new, there’s always the burger bar. To create this experience at home, you need to half-cook any meat-based product and eat it. Later, mass vomiting and shitting will occur. Not pleasant, but it happens every year. Never trust a food vendor who is smoking at the same time whilst serving and repeatedly snorting mucus back up their nose.
Some of the naughtier people like to dabble in drugs. Most come unprepared and try their luck with the shady-looking old guy who hangs out in the dark corner of the site. Stupid students thinking they're hard will pay over-the-top for gear that wouldn’t get a toddler wasted. Either be the dodgy-dealer by stocking up on Oxo cubes and selling them off to punters around the garden, or be the retarded consumer and spend all your money on rubbish drugs before realising it's day one of the festival and you have no money left.
Obviously, it’s hard to get right to the front as thousands of other people will want to do that. Bear in mind it's mostly teenage girls wanting to swoon at some indie goon. As a result you’re usually stuck at the back and far away from the action. This can be achieved by getting a hi-fi, turning it on full-blast then walking as far away from it as possible, just so the audio is barely listenable – recreating the effect of being at the back.
Other notable festival occurrences will include random people getting lost from their mates, crying and asking you to be their friend. Shame it’ll usually be a pissed and hard looking Scotsman who you’d rather not anger. More then likely, you’ll also encounter a preacher of some sort who’ll tell you you’re leading your life all wrong and he’s going to convert you to the right path. Of course your tent will be pitched right next to his and he won’t leave you alone. Not even at 3am.
Is hecklerspray going to Glastonbury? Well, hopefully yes. We are going to cling on to the hope that our brilliant ramblings will be recognised by Michael or Emily Eavis and they’ll give us free passes.
If not, we’ll have to dig out this guide again…