So. Death! Pretty serious stuff. Pretty bad all round, you could say. Like that time that gentleman from the news died. Not the Bin Laden one, the other one. Not Jeremy Beadle. Oh no, wait, it was Jeremy Beadle, wasn?t it?? It was always Jeremy Beadle.
Oh god, it really was terrible about Jeremy Beadle. Right. Let's just start again. DEATH. Que sera sera.? Whatever will be will be. The future?s not ours to see.
Except it is, we totally tapped it. Here?s a list of who's going to pop their clogs (allegorical or otherwise ? this is SHOWBIZ) in 2012, because to be honest, the Mayan?s efforts of just saying ?Uh, everyone? were a bit lazy, unlike Sophie Hall and your humble (PAHAHA) editor Mof Gimmers ? who have revealed themselves to be more clairvoyant than an X Factor themed M&S advert. Ladies, gentleman, and people who for inexplicable reasons Googled Jeremy Beadle to get here, we give you: THE FUTURE.
Prince Phillip
That should get the ball rolling. See, Phil clung to his life because… well… it’s brilliant! He gets to eat rare animals, be as racist as he wants, drink constantly and do absolutely no work (aside from occasionally meeting plebs and pointing at stuff). He’s got it made. Sadly, he didn’t die over Christmas, leaving us with a grisly Queen’s Speech (which would have been Her Madge silently sobbing for 5 minutes). 2012 is the year the Reaper catches up with Phillip and sinks his Battleship, just like in Bill & Ted.
Freddie Starr
Okay, so we're a good two people into this list so far, and it may be coming across that we're just picking people that we want to die, rather than who, say, biologically aren't coming up trumps. That couldn't be further from the truth. We love Freddie Starr. We love that he hates people thinking he ate hamsters, and talks about the fact he hates people thinking he ate hamsters for money and is quite well off because people think he eats hamsters. However, Freddie did have quadruple heart bypass surgery last year. And quadruple is loads. Also, there's this whole thing that he might have eaten a hamster, which is just brilliant. Also, he’s a shoo-in for Suicide Watch. His mind has unravelled over the years, to the point where he might actually do it.
Eddie Murphy
Eddie Murphy, once a golden god of comedy and now, four time donkey in Shrek, is something of a wild-card choice. Essentially, Eddie seems in rude health… but he’s as mad a talking hedge. Reason? He willingly had sex without a condom on with Mel B. He’s clearly got a troubled mind and, with that, there’s always chance of a massive breakdown which leads to death by misadventure. Or, if you prefer, doing a David Carradine.
Cat Deeley
Well, you know we're not having you on about this one. It's been pretty obvious for a few years now that Cat Deeley is not one for this world. Here is just a typical picture of Cat Deeley hanging out in her garden. Nothing wrong with that. She clearly knows how to trim a nice Ivy. Very good. Although as you can see, her garden attire here really isn't very fail-proof. If she doesn't get nipped by the hedge trimmers, she's most likely going to catch a bit of a sore throat keeping her oesophagus uncovered like that. Something to think about.
James Hewitt
Because somewhere down the line, James is going to be frequenting his enamel adorned sexy kitchen that he bought with his Diana memorial 50p box, and somewhere else down the line, he is going to uncover (either through therapy; or by Reddit) that he once did this.
Paul Daniels
Seems a bit harsh dunnit. Ol? Paul Daniels, with his little face and smile, and his magic and his *googles* overwhelming urge to gas Ian Huntley to death apparently? Moving swiftly on. Phil is getting on a bit. And err, yeah. He's old. The elderly die. Also – when you have an ?Outspoken views? section on Wikipedia though, there must be something a little up. He doesn't like Alistair McGowan for example. For no reason. WHAT A DICK! A plague upon your house, Paul Daniels. A PLAGUE.
Michael Douglas and possibly an aggrieved Catherine Zeta Jones but only if she can be bothered
Yep.
Berry Gordy
Sure, Louis Walsh?s claims have been a little just plain insane and insipidly stupid out there during his constant forays over the years of X Factor. However, on missive was passed off as stupidity when really, it was a chilling prediction. When Walsh said that Berry Gordy wasn’t alive to see X Factor’s Motown weekend, he wasn’t kidding. Louis has insider information and his statement was actually a warning to those that want to see the American music mogul live. In 2012, assassins will take Gordy down, mainly for owning the record company that signed Bruce Willis as a recording artist in the ’80s.
Paul Gascoigne
Quite frankly pushing it now at 44 (which is 132 in Paul Gascoigne years), we predict the once great Paul Gasgoine is not long for this world either. After all, the bloke has not just bi-polar, but also OCD, and also bulimia, and also he gave a chicken to a psychotic once. Not very Gazzamania. Yes, we know what you're thinking… but it is possible to die of a broken heart. And alcohol poisoning too.
Barry Manilow
*To the tune of Could it be Magic.*
Fractured ankle. Bronchial Pneumonia. Non cancerous cyst in upper jaw. Dicky eye. Dicky other eye too. ?Christ Barry, just buy a damn foot spa. Could it be magic? No.
Basically ? what all the above was, was a cry for help. But we still think Baz is gonna pop it this year. Besides, his face looks weird.
Jimmie Krankie
This would just be a breath of fresh air from all these years of living in a universe with ALIVE Jimmie Krankie.
Maggie Thatcher/Mezza
The UK could not be throwing enough shit at the walls with this one. Twitter rumours, prearranged state funeral, Shane Meadows pumping her face into mediocre sub-genre 80s dramas like Captain Howdy ? we just really want her to die. Now with a Streep-handled Oscar biopic hastily chopped together on Windows Movie Maker, we should be good to go. Unless that gives her something to live for. Unless she uses the plastic from the DVD covers as a makeshift ventilation shaft and lives for another 20 years.? We?ll let you write your own ending to that one.
Neil Kinnock
If Maggie Thatcher goes, then rest assure, Neil Kinnock will go too. His sole reason for existing is to outlive Thatcher. Such was their rivalry in the 80s, Kinnock could well visit Thatcher on her death bed and say “I’m only hanging around to watch you die. I’m going to die ONE SECOND after you do, just to irritate you.”
Geri Halliwell
Now stop right there with your ?But 39 year old Geri Halliwell is the picture of the healths? and your ?The only Spice Girl who deserves to die is Emma Bunton for practically murdering Petula Clarke in her sleep with that Downtown covers?. Sorry guys, but you can't hide from the truth. 2012, we will lose Geri Halliwell all over again. And for why? Well, we're not entirely sure (But we're still going to write a very long article about it unperturbed) but we believe it might be something to do with the Spice Girls revamped 2010 Children in Need single ?Headlines.? (which we've just realised 2 years on, might just be a subtle dig at those pesky tabloids who often hassle the girls, YOU?RE SECRET SAFE WITH US GIRLS!) Just think of Geri Halliwell, all in a bra writhing against a wall that doesn't look like it has had proper asbestos cleansing. At least Mel C will be safe in her two-piece as punishment for being a lesbian with a triphop album in the 90s. What were we talking about?
Mark Owen
He drinks alcohol, he has sex with women, he's about 4ft. Eventually either the weight of his adultery or the oxygen in the world will get to him first. It's more a question of when, rather than ?What the hell are you going on about??
Bill Cosby/Chevy Chase
Suicide pact. Just you watch.
Bez
We don't know. Because of physics? Because there's only so much lenience festival organisers can have? Because of people being more Pussycat Dolls-orientated? Because Or a healthy combination of the three?
Alesha Dixon
Along? with whoever wrote the music for the new Haribo commercial, the people of the universe will no longer take the soundtrack to the annoying adverts and pick up their pitchforks and hound these people into caves where a team of dead-eyed bumpkins await to perform unspeakable and ultimately fatal torture. E4 to televise.
Michael Eavis
He’s killed music. Now it’s his turn.
Matthew Perry
Oh Matthew Perry. Oh Matthew Perry. Matthew, Matthew, Matthew Perry. Although he's over that whole not very convincing Gwyneth Paltrow in a fatsuit morphine addiction phase of his life, our hopes are still not high for Matthew. It's a shame. He was so sarcastic, and all ?There's no I in team, but there's two in Martini so everybody BACK TO MY OFFICE!? Haha! Chandler Bing. We mean, he was just so sarcastic. But you know who else was sarcastic? Well, a few people. Like that bloke from black and white films, Other Pope, and Gary Coleman. And you know what happened to those people, guys? They died, guys.
Paul McCartney
Because firstly he spent the entire of the recent George Harrison Scorsese-documentary mid cataract-exam, and also: Ringo Starr has to be the last remaining Beatle.
Eamonn Holmes
Finally. One we can all agree on. Type 2 diabetes, in the kitchen, with the cream pie.
Mangosta says
Is this Phil Daniels the embittered, Gollum-in-a-wig prestidigitator with the dog loving missus or Paul Daniels the chirpy, Cockney, ‘Oi!’-shouting star of Quadrophenia and Blur singles?
I get so confused…
Holly McClucerkesrson says
If Chevy Chase dies this year, or any other, so will my soul.
Colin says
If I go on a celebrity killing spree (hosted by Dale Winton?) and off a good chunk of the above – would I be more or less popular than I am now?