Mark our words – there shall be a time when the kingdom of Lohan falls.
All the glory and might that now rests in their name shall be replaced with nought but dust and broken walls. What once was mighty shall be brought down
There will be no more delightful Disney movies starring a girl with an awful lot of lesbian curiosity, there will be no more second-rate reality shows starring a mother with an awful lot of child-acting curiosity – and perhaps worst of all, a lot less to blog about.
All will be a memory.
But fear not – for there is one who could save us! It's another Lohan – a secret Lohan – conceived one night when a horny and separated Michael Lohan claims to have boned some old lady out of her head, but not in those words. Now this woman claims a child as a byproduct – and he thinks she might be telling the truth.
Michael Lohan's gentleman-juice is both potent and good. Not only can they navigate through ovarian tubes like a stereotypical Chinaman through a rice field, but once they reach the egg they know exactly what to do – they romance it.
Then, after several weeks of bringing flowers and lifting tiny boom-boxes way up over their little sperm-heads – they get in there and start drilling. This, dear reader, is where a Lohan comes from.
A Lohan, like say, this secret one that's just been revealed. The Male half of the parent-ish Lohans claims that about twelve years ago he was separated from his now ex-wife. He met a very lonely homeless woman who wanted a baby so bad she didn't even care if the father was a 'house-y.' Since Michael is the ultimate Samaritan he obliged her with seed, taking only the sweet smile and gratitude as a one-time payment.
All of that was heavily summarized and built upon. Except the separated-12-years ago-and-made-sweet-love-to-some-lady part.
In Michael Lohan's own words:
"Years later she contacted me convincing me that I was the only person she was with and that she had my child. My lawyers will sort this out."
No mention has yet been made of any DNA testing. No need, really. The kid was born with a Disney contract in its hand and the number of a chain-smoking short-haired homosexual in it's tiny little speed dial.
It's his all right.