Gwyneth Paltrow is about to become the latest actor who thinks that it is completely fine to totter toward the world of pop music and have a stab at turning it into a career, despite the fact that this road is littered with corpses of thesps who have failed miserably before her.
And yes, we will be looking at actors who have made awful records in the past, but give us a second to be nasty about her first, okay?
Paltrow is apparently set to sign a $900,000 contract with Atlantic Records, which must be a moment of real pride for her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin. If you multiply their musical talents, it might just scrape the equivalent music prowess of someone like… we dunno… Chris De Burgh’s little toe. And De Burgh is about as musically gifted as a horse in labour (apologies to Mr Ed who we’re sure had a lovely singing voice).
Paltrow, who was initially encouraged to sing by the swine behind Glee, has gone on to perform at the Grammy’s, howling like ward patient during Cee Lo Green’s ‘Asterisk You’.
All the while, you can just imagine Chris Martin, at home, cooing about how great she is, and generally being painfully sweet and pathetically kind about the whole thing while Gwyn wrings her hands, worrying about the whole stupid singing thing.
Of course, she’s not the first Hollywood chump to have a stab at a singing career.
Catherine Zeta Jones decided to make some earthy synth garbage in the ’90s, wafting her arms around like she had the world’s most embarrassing, flowing nervous tic and standing in the desert with a wind machine farting in her face.
Paltrow isn’t likely to go down the Zeta Jones route (bad commercial pop and the eventual marriage to a embalmed mummy of a man), rather, she could be the next Minnie Driver! Yes, Minnie made a hash of country-pop and everyone suddenly stopped hiring her for films.
Which is great for the rest of us, obviously. We can only hope that Paltrow’s career sees a similar downward turn.
Still, not all actors face a collective shunning from the public after making spectacularly woeful records. For some reason, we’ve all conveniently forgotten Bruce Willis’ legacy at – unbelievably – Motown. Yep, he butchered a load of soul and R&B classics, as well as producing schlock like this.
Still, we can only hope that Paltrow has a curve ball in her ammo and manages to make ass-obsessed music with cod-blues and bad white boy funk, just like perma-varnished kung fu penis, Steven Seagal.
Please let this happen Paltrow. Don’t go making an album that’s forgettably insipid. Really go for it and throw a high-concept at it too, so we can all remember the time you career came off the rails and careered into a playground filled with sick nanas, blowing everyone to grisly smithereens. We’re thinking Shatner’s ‘Transformed Man’ album specifically.
YOU MUST.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!