Gossip Girl’s Final Season: The Horror Is Almost Over

Chuck BassIn a time of great political and social uncertainty, it’s important to think about the things that matter. I feel we should talk about the important issues. So here goes: is it just me, or are there no good teen shows out there right now??

Wait a second, scratch that.?Pretty Little Liars?is pretty amazing, but that’s about it.?90210? The Vampire Diaries? Glee??I feel sorry for the youth of today. With shitty shows like this to tune into, it’s no wonder they’re all getting pregnant and snorting everything under the sun.

There’s one teen show that takes the painfully-mediocre cake. One show with enough implausible twists and turns to make?Dallas?seem like a fucking documentary. A show with so few likeable characters played by such beautiful people. That show, of course, is called?Gossip Girl.

What’s not to like about?Gossip Girl,?you ask? A hell of a fucking lot, I say. First of all, the plot twists are way too much for me to handle. I miss one episode, and I have no idea what’s going on. I have no idea how the idiotic teens who watch the show regularly can keep up with it all, unless they keep a chart of some kind.

As well as that, the production values are awful. They obviously spend the entire budget on the hideous clothing and don’t put any effort into the filming process. It’s on a major network, but I’m fairly sure I could do a better job with a flipcam and a decade-old Mac.

Finally, and most importantly, it’s set in New York. That’s not necessarily a criticism, but I don’t like it. I don’t need a weekly reminder that I don’t live in New York, thank you very much.

There are some things I like about the show. For one, it has arguably the most attractive cast on television. Even though they are annoying as shit, it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to listen to them when they look this good. Even the actors who play the parents are good looking. Furthermore, Michelle Trachtenberg is a revelation. Her portrayal of Georgina Sparks is nothing short of stupendous, and probably the main reason I ever tuned in to the show in the first place.

Gossip Girl castThe good news is, the show doesn’t have very long left. Earlier this year, the least successful television network in the world (aka The CW) renewed the show for a sixth and final season. That means we don’t have long before all the couple-swapping and dramatic cliffhanging is finally over. Fans are anxiously waiting to discover the identity of the ‘Gossip Girl’ herself. Hmm, a New Yorker who makes it their job to spread rumours about people more prominent than themselves. Isn’t that just Donald Trump?

You’d be forgiven for thinking that?Gossip Girl?was already over, seeing as nobody watches that shit anymore. The most recent episode got a 0.4 rating in the coveted 18-49 demographic. If that doesn’t make a lick of sense to you, it basically means that very few people bothered to tune in. To put it simply, over three times as many people tunes in to the?Here Comes Honey Boo Boo?finale a couple of weeks ago. Take that, Upper East Side.

I hope that, when?Gossip Girl?finally finishes (December 10th, bitches), they replace it with a good teen show. It’s The CW, so I know they won’t. But I can dream, can’t I? Maybe something with relatable characters, who actually grow over the course of the series. Maybe something with snappy dialogue and its own distinct voice. Maybe something that puts a spin on the average teen show, that gives adults something to enjoy. Maybe something that could actually compete with the big dramas for awards …

Maybe I just want?Buffy?back …