You put lipstick on a pig, and it’s still a pig, said sainted Lord and Saviour of our Times Barack Obama, not in any way referring to whoever that insane moose-hater was that made the US election so entertaining and terrifying.
In other words, you can’t polish a turd, although why you’d want a shiny, gleaming turd emanating rays of turdular sunshine from your mantlepiece is another matter.
Basically, you can’t make something that is terminally unsexy, sexy. Something like Strictly Come Dancing, for example; the fusty old grandma of Saturday night television, spluttering lavender creams at those singing and occasionally punching harlots cavorting away on X Factor. Dress it up in as many skimpy costumes as you like, there is nothing titillating about watching 470-year-old Bruce Forsyth dislocating a hip while trying to bogle with the rictus-grinned Tess, or half an hour of Claudia Winkleman blinking moleishly through preposterous bangs.
That’s not to say that the Beeb’s PR machine isn’t trying to raunch it up. In a series of interviews, this year’s gyrating poppets revealed their thoughts about the upcoming contest – and those thoughts are sexified!
Here’s former Mr Church and permanent sicknote rugger bugger Gavin Henson, sidling up to Digital Spy and whispering filth into its obliging ear:
“Asked about his biggest fear for the BBC One show, he answered: “Getting aroused when I’m dancing close to my dance partner.”
Urgh! Just imagine that, if your heaving stomach will let you. Ga-Hen’s afraid he’ll get a stonking lob-on while indulging in soulless, PG-rated grinding against a manically professional dancer. If that can get him to stand to attention, his winky must be on a hair trigger. No wonder he hasn’t played rugby for ages. All that scrummaging must have left him in a paralysingly state of permanent tumescence, and you could have a prop’s eye out with that.
But it’s not just Gav who’s talking dirty. 80s satire sex-pot turned sex-therapist Pamela Stevenson also “turned” “up” the “heat”.
“Argentine tango is my favourite slow dance because it is seething with passion, and I also like a scalding hot, dirty salsa!” she said. The wife of Billy Connolly also joked that she is hoping for a “hottie” pro partner to work alongside on the show. “I know I’m going to have to shake my butt in public,” she said.
Oh, Pam, Pam, Pam. You say shake your butt; the entire nation as one pictures The Big Jin roaring with hairy lust. Why would you do that to us, Pam? We’re blameless in this whole situation!
But it’s not all jarring and brain scarring down SCD’s way. Kara Tointon, former EastEnders lovely, purred:
“There’s something very seductive and powerful about that dance, and it’s always fun to feel seductive and powerful from time to time.”
Ah, that’s better. A nice little saucy sorbet to leave your mind refreshed and ready to face the rest of your day. As long as no-one mentions the prospect of Anne Widdecombe hitching her leg round Anton Du Beke in a slashed-to-the-thigh sequinned number…
Dammit!