You'd have to be an idiot not to love Dancing On Ice – it's just like Strictly Come Dancing except that everyone falls over more and there's a greater chance of someone slashing their throat open with their feet on live TV.
So you'll be pleased to hear that a new series of Dancing On Ice begins on Sunday – and where there's a new season of talenty reality shows there's a list of achingly unfamous personalities queueing up for their appearance fees. This year is no different, and the lucky competitors have just been announced. As usual, no expense has been spared getting the biggest names around, which means from Sunday Dancing On Ice viewers will be able to see the likes of Gareth Gates, Linda Lusardi, Samantha Mumba, one of Hear'Say, someone who used to be on Blue Peter and that girl whose knockers were groped by Prince Harry all skating for survival – and we've got some early Dancing On Ice betting odds, too.
Yes, we said Samantha Mumba. No, we didn't think she was still alive either.
What with X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing finishing at the end of last year, fans of moronic reality shows really haven't had anywhere to get their kicks – especially now that Big Brother's been stuck onto a channel we only watch slightly more than Discovery Civilisations. But don't worry, because Dancing On Ice is here to save the day.
Now that it's into its third year, Dancing On Ice feels like a comfortable old pair of slippers – we know that there'll be a raft of judges including one who'll get booed just for inhaling at the start of his criticism, we know that Phillip Schofield will present Dancing On Ice dressed up as the queen of Narnia alongside a grinning wooden carving of a painted Dutch girl, and we know that whichever celebrities signed up for the show will end up getting dropped hard on their face, ribs, coccyx and testicles several times over until they all cry like little girls while dressed in costumes precision-designed to make them feel utterly worthless.
Needless to say, Dancing On Ice is brilliant.
But who are this year's foolish, not really famous at all celebrity Dancing On Ice contestants? Well, here they are, along with some early Dancing On Ice betting odds for you…
Aggie Mackenzie – The How Clean Is Your House woman. Not the giant mannish one, the one that looks a little bit like a high-ranking SS officer. Aggie is old so she clearly won't win Dancing On Ice. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 25/1
Sarah Greene – Former presenter of 1980s TV shows like Blue Peter. That's literally it. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 20/1
Steve Backley – He can throw a stick for a long distance, a discipline rendered obsolete by the advent of email. Steve is this year's David Seaman, which means he'll have seriously injured seven dance partners by the end of the show. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 18/1
Linda Lusardi – Lovely booby 1980s topless model and star of Emmerdale. Linda won't win because she's already injured herself, but all the Dads will keep her on Dancing On Ice on the offchance she'll flash her knickers. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 16/1
Michael Underwood – He might be a GMTV entertainment reporter or we might be be mixing him up with someone else. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 16/1
Natalie Pinkham – Prince Harry groped her boobs once and now she's famous. Maybe if we let Princess Michael Of Kent goose us in a Wetherspoons carpark we'll be allowed on, too. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 14/1
Greg Rusedski – A man fighting to win Dancing On Ice, desperate for a legacy that doesn't only involve not quite being as good at tennis as Tim Henman. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 10/1
Chris Fountain – Annoying smug former Hollyoaker. He already did that BBC1 singing show, and we hear he'd do a reality show about man-rape if you offered him enough money. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 6/1
Tim Vincent – Another former Blue Peter presenter. Tim Vincent is basically the T-1000 to Sarah Greene's rusty old Arnie. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 6/1
Samantha Mumba – Remember Samantha Mumba? Remember those songs she did and all her films? No, us neither. Oh well. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 5/1
Suzanne Shaw – Used to be in Hear'Say, now a woman who professionally complains about what a twat Darren Day is. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 5/1
Gareth Gates – The most famous competitor here even though he hasn't done anything for six whole years. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 5/2
No doubt we'll be updating these Dancing On Ice betting odds before the season is out, but if you want to place an early bet, don't forget that you can always go to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page and make cash from the sight of some z-listers hurting themselves on TV.