If this article were a Facebook page, which it’s not and never will be, it would be called “That Awkward Moment When You Realise That Jeff Brazier Probably Describes Everything He Does With An Obscure Simile”.
Naturally that would be without the minute attention to spelling and grammar that we have. We really did get that awkward, aching feeling in the pit of our collective stomach (we all share one to save money) when we read in an interview with New! Magazine that Dancing On Ice star and celebrity father Jeff Brazier “kisses like a Jedi”.
What does a statement like that even mean? Presumably Jeff was implying the finesse and poise that a Jedi Knight might employ when kissing a lady; if they were allowed. Which they’re not. Primarily because it’s against their ‘code’ and secondarily because they’re entirely fictional and no amount of wearing a hooded dressing gown and hilariously filling it in as a religion on your Census form is going to change that.
Perhaps though, Jeff was referring to the moments leading up to the kiss. Waving his hand in front of a woman and speaking in a softened, more wizened version of his trademark ‘cheeky-chappy-Artful-Twatter’ accent says; “You do want me to stick my tongue down your throat.”
All this got us thinking though; what other things does Jeff Brazier do like other things?
Does he brush his teeth like Morrissey? Cut his toenails like a Cylon?
hecklerspray has made a list of the most likely candidates.
Showers Like The Robot from Lost in Space
It’s a little known fact that Jeff Brazier is actually afraid of water. It started out as a small fear of jellyfish until he began to believe that jellyfish lived in all bodies of water, regardless of their size or status of containment. In the world of being a celebrity dad, Jeff has to look his best and therefore must take showers. However, in order to properly fend off the “immediate” threat of being stung to death by the box jellyfish that lives in his shower-head, Jeff will flail his arms wildly in order to parry the necrotising tentacles of the beast if and when it decides to attack.
Gardens Like Astro (from The Jetsons, you berk)
Jeff Brazier is a keen gardener and has been ever since Alan Titchmarsh stopped doing Ground Force and Jeff thought he might have an ‘in’ with Charlie Dimmock. Jeff’s main skills were digging up the garden with the focussed drive and verve of Astro chasing his tail. Unfortunately when it came to putting plants in, Jeff remained non-plussed and decided instead to make a Mississipi Mud-Pie dessert for himself. Out of mud. Unfortunately, Jeff was left heartbroken as, during an audition for Ground Force Episode VI: Return of the Force Dimmock and handyman Tommy Walsh decided to finally do one-another and with it stripped back 15 years of sexual tension leaving the show’s revival redundant. You can still hear Dimmock orgasm in the background of those Van Insurance ads that Walsh does*.
Drinks Like Mad Max
That’s not to imply that Jeff drinks as heavily as Mel Gibson. Only one man on earth drinks more heavily than Mel Gibson. In fact, we have a chart on the wall of the hecklerspray bedsit with two pictures on it. Mel Gibson is at the bottom and Charlie Sheen is at the top. It’s like a league table of outright insanity. However, Jeff is far from an alcoholic and instead smacks of a man who is more likely to tank a bottle of banana flavoured milk than a bottle of bourbon. He’s to be saluted for that. However, he occasionally drinks so much banana milk that he falls into a sugar-coma for hours. It’s the only way to relax and escape a world obsessed with celebrity and vanity. Apocalyptic.
Shags Like A Vulcan
You know… once every seven years! Right? Right?! Oh, sod off.
“Shoots” Like a Stormtrooper
hecklerspray articles are very much like porn films. Most of the time, they end with the money-shot and leave you feeling cheapened and dirty. After such a film has finished- and once they’ve had a chance to clean themselves up- ask any sci-fi fan about the accuracy of a Stormtrooper with a blaster. They’ve probably told you that a Stormtrooper is far from accurate with a blaster gun. Unfortunately for Jeff, this is another similarity that he shares with science fiction characters. He nearly always misses his intended target. Mr Brazier has never been guilty of inflicting “the painter’s radio” scenario.
*No you can’t. Stop trying.
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