Cool uncle and embarrassing aunt.

Folded:

• The Chase from Midnight Express – Club Version (very Berlin. Then again you could remix Giorgio Moroder’s alarm clock and make a decent track)
• Films on the telly (why are they always more fun than putting on a DVD?)
• Be miserable (doctor’s orders)
• Donut Drake in Uncharted 2 (such a laugh climbing on the wrecked train and the pipes break)
• New Avatar trailer (we can stop sweating, this actually looks pretty good now)

Creased:

• Prince of Persia movie trailer (they’re thinking Pirates; they’re getting Hercules)
• Fireworks… (do THIS. Not nice)
• 50 Cent (officially plastic)
• Greg James (the worst DJ Radio One has ever employed. And that’s saying something)
• Hackers (why do they get such a cool nickname? Let’s call them bottom feeding pissants instead)

Yee-haw kids, its reality pop star season, so what does that mean?

It means that anyone who’s got an ounce of talent in their blood is going to get ignored. Money-making mass-produced rubbish will take over and make us all believe it’s the best thing since the last reality show winner from the previous month.

So can we suggest someone to you? Take a listen to Chicago’s One Little Plane. With an album out last year, she has been pretty much unnoticed by everyone, but has enough support to carry her through. Produced by folktronica man Four Tet, these beautifully crafted songs give the impression they were lovingly knitted in the front room of someone’s house where all the love and attention in the world was dedicated to them. It’s acoustic bliss. And you should invest.

For more:

One Little Plane MySpace

The world can be odd sometimes. For instance, what’s hotter than watching a blonde bigot diddle herself on camera?

Nothing, that’s what. Why, even just thinking about it – there she is, all blonde and orange and stupid and silicony, whacking away at her genitals while she angrily mutters things like “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and STEVE!” and “Sink the pink, don’t down the brown!” to herself – doesn’t half give us the ruddy horn.

But we might be the only ones. Because, you see, it turns out that nobody wants to buy the newly unearthed Carrie Prejean sex tape. Nobody at all.

The world of sex tapes is a funny one, isn’t it? Over the last few years, people have virtually broken their necks to see Gene Simmons stick it in a disinterested model and that twit from Creed lark about in the nude with Kid Rock and Screech from Saved By The Bell smearing poo across a woman’s face – three things guaranteed to leave you shivering, nauseous and feeling more alone than you have ever felt in your entire life.

And then there’s the now infamous Carrie Prejean sex tape. You’ll remember yesterday that Carrie Prejean – she of loudly outspoken anti-gay activism fame – was forced to drop her lawsuit against the organisers of the Miss California pageant when it emerged that she’d allegedly made a naughty video of her playing with herself. Now, let’s take the various components of the Carrie Prejean sex tape separately. We have:

1 - A girl…

2 - …Who is partly famous for her physical attractiveness…

3 - …That many people would love to see star in a humiliating video that compromises her Christian values and exposes her as a hypocrite…

4 - …With her hand rammed so far up her clodge that you can almost see her fingers poking out the top of her throat when she opens her mouth.

Who wouldn’t want to see that? That’s right – nobody. It sounds perfect. The whole world should be lining up to watch the Carrie Prejean sex tape, either because it wants to mock the flimsiness of her moral foundations or because it wants to masturbate quite a lot. But no. According to reports, nobody even wants to go near the Carrie Prejean sex tape. Celebuzz reports:

It appears that the tape has been circling around for several months, and was being offered as an exclusive to various websites for the relatively low price of $10,000. However, sites like TMZ and TheDirty.Com didn’t even want anything to do with it! Dirty founder Nik Richie told E! News, “It was very graphic and our lawyers wouldn’t let us put it on the site.”

Too racy? Wow, the Carrie Prejean sex tape must be incredibly racy, given that other sex tapes featuring full penetration have surfaced without a hitch in the past. Maybe that’s not the only reason, though. Maybe the sites are scared of the legal consequences of posting it. Or maybe they don’t want to give Carrie Prejean any more attention than she’s currently got. Or maybe Carrie Prejean develops an off-puttingly male voice when she becomes aroused. Yes, that’s probably it.

So the chances of you getting to see the Carrie Prejean sex tape are fading by the day. But if you enjoy watching irritating bigots sexually demean themselves, help is at hand – we heard that Jim Davidson will show you his penis if you offer to buy him a nice bowl of soup.

We made that last bit up. Nobody would pay good soup to see that.

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We know what you’re thinking – why would Josh Duhamel even think about cheating on Fergie with a stripper?

Well, let’s count the ways. First, both Josh Duhamel and Fergie are apart a lot. Then there’s the knowledge that he’d be having sex with someone statistically less likely to burst into My Humps during orgasm. And also, if you enjoy having sex with people with a fondness for crystal meth – like Fergie does – but you don’t enjoy hearing them bang on about it all the time – like Fergie does – then where do you go? That’s right, the strip club.

Nevertheless, Josh Duhamel says that he definitely didn’t have sex with a stripper, even though the stripper says he definitely did.

What is it with the cast of Transformers, eh? First Shia LaBeouf knackers his hand in a car crash, then everyone decides that they hate Megan Fox and now Josh Duhamel – boring old Josh Duhamel, the boring one from Transformers who’s so unremittingly boring that you wouldn’t notice if he was replaced by a sheet of plywood with a jawline painted onto it – has been accused of having it off with a stripper behind his wife Fergie’s back. Next thing you know, Optimus Prime’s going to get caught jerking off a ladyboy behind a branch of Dorothy Perkins and we’ll all be done for.

But we digress. This is about Josh Duhamel, the boring husband of Fergie from Black Eyed Peas, and the accusations that he did it with a stripper in Atlanta. Apparently, according to the stripper herself, Josh Duhamel met her at the club where she works, claimed he was a porn star, took her number, invited her back to his hotel room and had it away with her while he was drunk.

Duhamel has repeatedly denied this accusation, although the stripper – a woman named Nicole Forrester – claims she has text message and polygraph results to prove that she’s telling the truth. And, as E! Online reports, she didn’t to to the press with the story, and she’s only making such a big deal about this because she doesn’t like being called a liar:

She denies feeding the story to the National Enquirer herself, saying that the tabloid came to her, offering her $500 just to come in and talk, after an anonymous tipster reported that Duhamel was bragging on the set that he had “banged a hot, blond stripper at Tattletales.”

Now we don’t know one way or the other, but from the paragraph above we think we can see where Josh Duhamel made his first mistake. He went to a strip club called Tattletales, for crying out loud. Look, Josh, we know you’re not exactly known for your towering intellect, but Tattletales? What, couldn’t you find a strip club called I Promise To Go To The Press About You While I’m Rinsing Myself Out Afterwards?

But it’s Fergie who’s the real victim here. We wonder how she’s taking it, and hope that her torment ends soon. Unless it’s caused her take a vow of silence, of course. If that’s the case then we hope her torment lasts for about a decade.

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The worst thing about Cloverfield was that all the characters were dicks, so you ended up siding with the monster. In Monster Evolution, that problem doesn’t exist.

Play Monster Evolution now

The first half of Rihanna’s tell-all Chris Brown interview has finally aired, and what a shock it was.

The things Rihanna said! Apparently being beaten to within an inch of your life by the man you love isn’t very nice. Who knew? But that’s not all – Rihanna says that she’s embarrassed about falling in love with Chris Brown. No kidding! Look at him – the bowtie, the odd-shaped head, the ill-advised facial hair, the teeth that look like someone has fired shards of crockery at a watermelon through a ship’s cannon. We’d be embarrassed too!

Oh, Rihanna was talking about the violence thing. We suppose we can see that too.

Finally. This is what the entire week has been building up to – a distressing journey into the anguished heart of a young woman whose life has been torn apart by domestic violence. We don’t know about you, but a weekend’s not really a weekend unless it starts with something this legitimately harrowing.

We’ve been teased and tempted by this Rihanna interview all week – first came an infuriatingly brief clip, and then Rihanna told a magazine how the incident had shaped her musically – but yesterday we got what we’d all been waiting for. That’s right, Rihanna upsettingly sharing the very worst moment of her entire life with a blonde sycophant, part one.

Rihanna’s interview with Diane Sawyer mostly revolved around the moment when, after the attack, Rihanna briefly decided to stay with Chris Brown. Here’s what she said:

“That’s embarrassing that that’s the type of person I fell in love with. So far in love, so unconditional that I went back… When I realised that my selfish decision for love could result into some young girl getting killed, I could not be easy with that part. Even if Chris never hit me again, who’s to say their boyfriend won’t?”

The full interview is set to be broadcast tonight, and it looks set to be a must-see for anyone who enjoys voluntarily subjecting themselves to unrelenting torrents of soul-destroying misery on purpose. Although the interview does clash with the new Jay Leno show, so that might split the ‘unrelenting torrents of soul-destroying misery’ demographic a little.

Anyway, in a move that’s exactly as classy as everyone has grown to expect, Chris Brown has also decided to record a television interview that’ll be broadcast tonight on MTV. Why? Here are the options…

1) Chris Brown realises that he’s going to come out of Rihanna’s interview looking like the villiain, and wants to do some damage limitation.

2) Chris Brown hates it when anyone else gets more attention than him, even if it’s only because he tried to choke them unconscious a few months ago.

3) Chris Brown plans to hold the entire world to ransom, threatening to bite everyone on the ear and bang their head against his car window unless his evil demands are met.

4) Chris Brown wants to set the record for the longest sustained “Beleeeeeeeeeey dat!” in history.

Which will it be? If only we could bring ourselves to care.

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Chris Brown, the R&B singer, is unsure of how he is perceived by his fans. We know this, because that’s what he said in an interview.

Do they still love him for his music? Or have his tender sex songs lost a little bit of their appeal since he decided to practice Kung Fu on his ex-girlfriend Rihanna’s beautiful face? Yeah, it’s a concern, isn’t it Chris?

Unfortunately, sensual declarations of love to a backing track do tend to sound a bit watery, once you know that beneath the gargantuan teeth, and the promises of a better future, beats the thumping heart of a maniac just seconds away from a red mist. Sneeze at the wrong moment, and he might come at you with a brick. Still, all is not lost for Chris Brown. Using some templates from other famous people who have been unmasked for dodgy wrong-doings, here are a few paths that he could choose to tread…

1. Make a joke out of it

When Hugh Grant was caught having his gentlemanly penis attended to by a street-side prostitute in his car, it could have spelt curtains for the actor. Yet, Hugh turned the whole thing to his advantage by upping the ‘bumbling aristocrat’ setting on his personality, and doing the talk show rounds making stuttered apologies, and quips about not wanting to blow his own trumpet. George Michael was equally light-hearted when he was arrested for his penis-related misdemeanour in a local toilet. Hence, one option for Chris would be to hilariously send-up his violent outburst in a music video, or laugh hysterically and start clapping his hands whenever the incident is brought up in an interview. “Yeah, what a crazy night that was – you should’ve seen the other guy!” laughs Chris. Silence.

2. Divert attention by becoming increasingly weird

Phil Spector killed a woman. Seriously, actually killed one. With a gun. You were probably aware of that fact for about a second, before becoming distracted by the wild manner in which he wore his hair. During the murder trial, he became so odd looking that most people completely forgot that he once placed a pistol into a lady’s mouth, then pulled the trigger, because they were too busy wondering how he managed to achieve so much frizz without getting an actual perm done. Taking a similar line in distraction, Chris could perhaps fashion an interesting beard, or take to wearing a dress? Then will they be talking about the time he punched Rihanna in the face? No, they’ll be asking why Chris Brown appears to be wearing a woman’s frock. Bingo!

3. Deny everything

Yes, everyone seems pretty sure that they know the truth, but OJ Simpson has spent years denying any wrong doing on the night that Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman were stabbed to death, even though he was then chased by the police, before providing a case that Columbo would probably crack in seven seconds – including a five second break to scratch his nose. Still, the constant denial worked for OJ as he was declared not guilty, and went back to his old life. Only with considerably less friends, money, or prospects. This could work for Chris. Simply backtrack, then deny everything. Yes, you won’t work again, but at least you wouldn’t spend long nights awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, regretting what you did…  Oh, you still would? Fine!

This was a guest post by Josh Burt from Interestment, who rules

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A new E4 series called Misfits you say? About a group of young delinquents doing community service?

We’ve not been this put off a new TV series since the Bad Girls pilot. In fact, the likelihood of a good series coming from E4 is akin to that of finding a hen’s tooth, or Tess Daly’s soul.

Imagine the disquiet and shock which consumed us when we saw the first episode of this teen-insert genre here and discovered it’s actually quite good. Maybe Tess Daly has a soul after all.*

To get the comparison cliché out of the way, Misfits can be best described as Dead Set meets Heroes meets Shameless. There’s certainly a comic book feel to it à la Heroes, despite writer Howard Overman maintaining ignorance of the illustration laden literature.

In this television programme, a number of actors pretend to possess a different personality to their own, in a number of staged situations and circumstances. Their words are also not their own, they are given to them beforehand by the aforementioned writer, Howard Overman. In the opening episode this group of young, mostly unknown actors pretend to perform manual tasks in order to fulfil the community service aspect of their respective characters’ sentencing. An artificially created storm interrupts them, and through a combination of wind, rain, and CG effects, they are struck by lightning. None of them are harmed – on the contrary, they awake with some super powers. They are bestowed with the ability to hear thoughts, turn back time, become invisible, and to instil in people an intense sexual desire.

This wee acting conglomerate is lead by Robert Sheehan, a young Irishman best known for his role as BJ in the excellent Red Riding series. Robert (or Nathan, as he purports to be in this) provides plentiful comic relief in the Irish craic style popularised by Les Dennis‘ impression of Graham Norton in Extras.

In series such as this or Heroes, realism and grittiness are highly sought-after commodities. Such things are mostly unobtainable in a fantasy scenario such as this, so a substantial amount of credit is due to this relatively inexperienced writer. Howard has also successfully captured the often foul dialogue of teenagers while retaining enough clarity in order for it to be understood by a wider audience.

An impressive social media campaign will be running alongside the series to both accompany and expand on the story arc via Twitter, Facebook and YouTube etc. To make this worthwhile to viewers, those who pay close attention will be rewarded with a character who won’t be revealed on TV till episode six, amongst other things.

All in all, this looks set to be one of those popular ones.

Misfits starts on E4 on Thurs Nov 12 at 10pm

*She doesn’t.

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We’ve been running a lot of competitions lately, and they’ve all been doozies. But this one might just be the dooziest.

You see, today we’re giving away two flights to the Canary Islands. Not a DVD of a flight, not tickets to see the flight in concert – two actual flights that will literally take you all the way to the Canary Islands. And back again.

We’ve been given the prize by Canary Islands Tourism, and if we had any fewer scruples than we actually do, we’d fix it so that we could win. But we won’t. Competition details after the jump…

So, if you’ve over 18, based in the UK, able to visit the Canary Islands between December and March and have a mild urge to beat the winter blues, all you need to do is watch the video below and answer one simple question…

QUESTION: How badly do you want to go to the Canary Islands this winter?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer and a contact address to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘Send me to the Canary Islands’. Best answer wins. The competition closes at midnight on November 12. Prize includes two return flights only. UK readers only please.

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Carrie Prejean is multi-talented, we’ll give her that. Just look at all the jobs she’s had this year alone.

She’s been a beauty queen. She’s been a noted anti-gay activist. She’s starred in commercials. She’s written some of the most unintentionally hilarious emails we’ve ever read. And now she’s a porn star, too. Sort of.

You see, Carrie Prejean has dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California organisers, and it’s all because they found a sex tape that she allegedly stars in. It hasn’t hit the internet yet, but it’s supposed to be brilliant – we heard that the Carrie Prejean sex tape makes the Kim Kardashian sex tape look like the Gene Simmons sex tape.

When we look back at 2009 next month, it looks certain that Carrie Prejean will emerge as the most divisive figure of the year. Thanks to her blundering rant against gay marriage at the Miss USA pageant, Carrie Prejean has split the world in two. Those who agree with Carrie have rallied around her, making her the spokesperson for their causes and initiating a Carrie Prejean Day in her honour. Meanwhile, those who disagree with her have done their best to get her fired as Miss California and knock her off her pedestal for good. It was truly an unhealable schism.

But, people, that schism has finally been healed. And it’s all thanks to the Carrie Prejean sex tape. Now it no longer matters if you’re gay or straight, black or white, leftwing or rightwing, male or female – everyone has been united by a desire to see the Carrie Prejean sex tape for themselves. Especially if there’s a bit where she diddles herself off with a prosthetic tallywhacker.

Maybe we should we explain. Until recently, Carrie Prejean and the Miss California organisers had been locked in a spiral of lawsuit and counter-suit. The organisers claimed that they fired Carrie Prejean because she had posed for some marginally racy photographs against their knowledge, while Prejean argued that the sacking had nothing to do with that and was more about her anti-gay stance, which she claimed was a suppression of free speech.

But now Carrie Prejean has dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California organisers and will walk away with nothing. Why? Because the organisers managed to unearth a copy of a red-hot alleged Carrie Prejean sex tape, that’s why. TMZ reports:

Carrie Prejean demanded more than a million dollars during her settlement negotiations with Miss California USA Pageant officials — that is, until the lawyer for the Pageant showed Carrie an XXX home video of her handiwork. The video the lawyer showed Carrie is extremely graphic and has never been released publicly. Let’s just say, Carrie has a promising solo career.

Thank you, Carrie Prejean. Thank you for making us realise that, while we may have our sporadic ideological quarrels, when seen from space we’re just one blue planet. One blue planet that would love nothing more than to fondle itself stupid to some grainy home-recorded footage of you smearing honey all over your boobs and then bouncing up and down on a child’s trampoline. Or whatever.

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There’s a good chance that Kristen Stewart is the most envied girl on the face of the planet right now.

Why? Just look at her. She doesn’t just get to kiss Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner all day long, but she actually gets paid to do it. No wonder Kristen Stewart recently topped an imaginary poll of stars who teenage girls would most like to secretly kill in order to dance around in a nightmarish suit made out of their skin.

And how does Kristen Stewart react to all this scrutiny of her private life? By telling the entire world to jolly well eff off, obviously.

This question of whether or not Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are doing it isn’t going away, is it? Believe the tabloids and they either are doing it, were doing it but stopped doing it – probably because Robert Pattinson smells like arses – or that they’re so completely in love that doing it has become a routine chore that stopped being exciting to either of them long ago. Believe Robert Pattinson and they definitely aren’t doing it.

Who are we supposed to trust here? Hang on, there’s one person who nobody has asked yet. Kristen Stewart. She’s famous for her forthright manner – and her slightly horse-shaped head, although that’s less relevant – so why doesn’t someone ask her what’s going on?

Funny you should ask, because Entertainment Weekly has done exactly that. And Kristen Stewart’s response?

“I probably would’ve answered it if people hadn’t made such a big deal about it. I know that people are really funny about ‘Well, you chose to be an actor, why don’t you just fucking give your whole life away? Can I have your firstborn child?’… Okay, we are. We aren’t. I’m a lesbian. I’m just trying to keep something. If people started asking me if I was dating Taylor, I’d be like ‘Fuck off!’”

So there you have it. Kristen Stewart is doing it with Robert Pattinson. And she’s not. And she’s a lesbian. So that’s that cleared up.

Really, though, we don’t know why Kristen Stewart can’t just be honest about everything. She should think of all the New Moon fans – if they don’t know whether or not she’s doing it with Robert Pattinson, then how will they know whether or not to scratch her face off all their New Moon merchandise with a mathematical compass and then write the word ‘BITCH!!!!!!’ underneath it in Tipp-Ex? It’s inconsiderate of Kristen Stewart, that’s what it is.

But, still, we suppose we can see her point. After all, it can’t be nice to see your personal life become public property like this. Especially not when it happens two weeks before the release of the new movie that also stars the man who you’ve been romantically linked with, and all you’re trying to do is promote the film in any way you possibly can. Yes, that must be awful.

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Here’s an embarrassing admission – we recently played Toss The Turtle for two and a half hours without a break.

And not just because Toss The Turtle sounds like it should be about masturbation, either. Instead it’s one of those ‘throw a thing and see how far it’ll go’ things that you’ll have played a billion times before. However, in Toss The Turtle you have to save up for upgrades, and that’s bound to keep you hooked. Especially when you’re saving up for the tank that’ll fire you 100 miles in one go.

Play Toss The Turtle now

This news is so important that you might need to spend the rest of the day pondering its gigantic consequences.

You see, Brad Pitt has grown a beard. Shocking, we know. But brace yourself, because that’s not quite it. You see, Brad Pitt has grown a slightly ratty beard. It’s so ratty that he’s actually braided it.

Remember this day. In years to come younger generations will ask you where you where when you realised that Brad Pitt had deliberately grown a bit of a manky beard. And now you can look them in the eye and say “I was reading the internet in my pants, son. I was reading the internet in my pants.”

Have you heard? Beards are in again! We know this because David Beckham has grown a beard, and everything he does is always in. That’s why being a bit thick, having a funny voice, marrying a bony idiot and giving your children such ridiculous names that they’ll grow up to hate you forever are also in this season.

But hooray! The beard is back! Chronic facial itching is back! Carrying scraps of food around on your face for days is back! Looking like a homeless old pensioner who no girl would ever even dream of kissing is back! Realising that being clean shaven is back and spending 90 minutes cluelessly hacking away at clumps of your beard with a patently ill-equipped razor until you’re left puffy-face, stubbly and covered in blood is back! And just to push this hot new trend along even further is Brad Pitt! Brad Pitt’s grown a beard! People reports:

Pitt, 45, was spotted in in Japan still wearing the metallic beads that adorned his billy-goat beard on Halloween night… leaving observers a little confused as to whether the beads were part of Pitt’s holiday outfit, a permanent fashion statement, or a remnant from a previous costume idea – perhaps a bit of Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean?

Now we don’t have the image rights to show you what Brad Pitt’s new beard looks like, so we’ll have to tell you instead. Brad Pitt’s new beard looks like…

* Gary Glitter’s old beard.

* The spirit of people who go to Glastonbury every year but refuse to see any of the bands.

* The remnants of a catastrophic goat fire.

* What you see when you hold a mirror between your legs and look down at the bit between your balls and your bumhole.

* The world’s most upsetting vagina.

* The deliberate actions of a man in the middle of a full-blown mid-life crisis.

* Clagnuts.

We don’t know about you, but now he’s brought back the nasty beard, we’re looking forward to seeing which trend Brad Pitt throws himself behind next. Let’s all cross our fingers and pray that it’s the trend of fulfilling your early promise as an actor.

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Do you live in Kent? We don’t. Why? Well let’s put it this way, it doesn’t quite have the glamour of New York or the history of Rome.

All is boasts is a Primark and KFC – just like everywhere else. If only Kent could offer us something amazing. Something that we could only see in Kent. Something that people would travel for miles around to witness. Something wish-fulfilling.

What’s that? Some people in Edenbridge are burning a giant effigy of Jordan this weekend? Bingo.

During the Edenbridge celebration of Guy Fawkes night, where everyone is allowed to blow stuff up legally for one night, there is going to be a public burning of Jordan! Hooray for that indeed. The publicity-munching big-boobed lady has been chosen by Edenbridge Bonfire Society as their topical, publicly-vilified celebrity figure. Sky News reports:

Glamour model Katie Price is to be burned at the stake at a bonfire celebration this weekend – as a 27ft effigy. Dressed in a pink, low-cut top, the effigy also features her wearing white jodhpurs and riding boots, acknowledging her passion for horses.  More than 10,000 people will see the celebrity guy go up in flames in Edenbridge, Kent, on Saturday.

Jordan’s not alone. Last year Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand were picked after making rude phone calls to a granddad and talking about shagging.

For some random entertainment, get yourself to Edenbridge in Kent on Saturday. Please note we won’t provide travel, accommodation or injections.

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Lindsay Lohan is rather attached to her Twitter account. Attached in a way one should never become attached to a social network. Attached like a chocoholic to their very last Rolo, if you will.

The star can often be found on Twitter taking utter leave of her senses. That is to assume that she had any senses to begin with, but there are only so many hours in a day and we have to start somewhere.

She tells Twitter her intimate secrets. She shares her hopes and fears. She uses ellipses and exclamation marks in a manner that suggests she fears a shortage of both. She goes on 140-character rants in a manner that makes you glad she doesn’t have over 100,000 people reading her lunacy. Oh dear, hang on a minute.

Lindsay has been ranting a whole lot on her Twitter lately. Damn near daily. In fact we can assume she’s going on a rant right now. Listen. If you prick up your ears you can probably hear her mobile phone screaming in pain at having the snot beaten out of it with the constant updating.

Lindsay has been using the site as a means to reach out to longtime love Samantha Ronson. That is an oddity. We’re quite sure that at some point while dating someone you might be allowed to have their phone number. Better yet, you may even be privy to their home address. As such you could harass them on their doorstep, rather than making a fool of yourself online. Then there’s the saga with her own father, Michael Lohan, a man whom she labelled “a lunatic”.

The former actress turned total non-druggy – who has probably never tried drugs at all because they’re dangerous and yucky – is getting a bit of a reputation. She is becoming known for going on rants about her loved ones and then deleting the evidence. Thankfully Lindsay doesn’t seem to know about fancy-schmancy things like Print Screen and Copy and Paste. She has no idea her messages live on, even after she hits the delete button.

People reported on some of the messages Lindsay wrote about her father:

“My father is a lunatic & doesn’t even deserve such a title since he’s never been around in my life other than when he’d threaten me & my family,” Tweeted Lindsay, who just finished shooting the thriller Machete opposite Robert DeNiro. “He should be where he has always put himself after verbally abusing and physically abusing people all my life-behind bars.”

There’s no getting away from how Lindsay feels about her father. He is seeking conservatorship of her giant mountain of money, which is bound to cause friction. No – he wants conservatorship to stop her accidentally poking herself in the eye with sharp objects. No – he wants control over her so he can stop her from going on Twitter all the bloody time.

From Radar Online:

“As far as Lindsay is concerned, if she goes into a rehab, I will stop,” he told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “But if the lies continue and the prescription drug use doesn’t stop, neither will I.”

Whatever he wants, he is refusing to stop going to the press until Lindsay caves in. He’s been in the press almost every day for the last week. Taking that into account, we think Lindsay should cave in and stop kissing Gerard Butler or whatever she’s doing right this second and do as her dad says.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who we all heart very much

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