Fresh from its victorious sinking of the Tumblr Trawler, Webthump is here to receive your adulation!

Well, not quite.  We’ve donned our fisherman’s waders to have a carcinogenic  rummage  in the foetid, elbow-deep cesspool that is the Internet.  All to bring you something to gawp at while fondling your shriveled genitals.  We could have been doing something useful with our time, like whittling voodoo dolls of Russell ‘new relationship’ Brand from old lolly sticks.

From the congealed masses of pornography and dead Myspace pages we’ve managed to dredge up a few sparkling gems of entertainment.  We’ve brought you 10 of the best, worst and weirdest that mankind’s collective intelligence can vomit up.

10. Remember childhood?  Unless you’ve repressed all memory it should be a golden hued, nostalgia filled delusion of possibilities and innocence.  Anything was possible, remember?  You were going to be a secret agent astronaut who had an infinite supply of pogs.  It’s all been a downward spiral of disappointment ending in erectile dysfunction and rubber pants from there.  If only you’d learnt to go out and grab what you want.  If only you weren’t afraid of breaking the rules.  If only you were Noah Jeffrey, a 3 year old so who said “bum-bum-poohead” to a life of dejection and scheduled nap times.  He’s so cool, we’d eat the dried, crusty snot from his top lip.

9. Bollocks.  Arty Bollocks to be precise.  This site serves no real purpose whatsoever. You click a button and it spouts some overblown shite about ‘consumerist fetishism’ and ‘constructed dialogues’.  It’s the sort of long worded drivel spouted in those ‘tastefully tatty’ bars full of tight trousered twats with ‘ironically terrible’ hair. We tried applying it to hecklerspray.  Apparently we’re an “undefined phenomena become undefined through undefined and critical practice, the viewer is left with a glimpse of the limits of our era.”  What the hell does that even mean?

8. More bollocks. Utter, total gonads.  Big, hairy surreal ones at that. Illogicopedia is fascinatingly bizarre, stocked to the gills with nonsensical babble and outrageous drivel.  Built on the same lines as Wikipedia, only twice as entertaining and infinitely less useful.  There is not a single true statement hiding anywhere in the vast mire of twaddle that is Illogicopedia, which make is hilariously entertaining for about 10 minutes.  William Shatner‘s entry is worth a look.

7. This is just rotten stuff.  But we can’t stop reading it.  Tucker Max is an asshole.  The introduction to his website is “Hi, I’m Tucker Max and I am an asshole.”  He really is a terrible human being, we want to be him.  He’s rich, smart and gets laid.  A lot.  The website is a chronicle of the worst things Max has done in his 20-something years.  Most of them involve models and are told with lines such as…  Sorry, we’ve been searching the site for an hour and there isn’t a single quote we can put on even our sullied pages.  The trailer from an upcoming Tucker Max Movie might give you an idea what we mean.

6.  Another self-proclaimed sphincter here.  But this one is amusing rather than compulsively repulsive.  Emails from an Asshole pretty much does as it says.  Any chance to send irritating emails to someone is seized upon with impish glee and some poor sucker’s day is guaranteed to get worse.  It’s spawned an old fashioned paper compendium that’s probably done the rounds.  But who wants to read something you have to touch with you hands? What is this, 1993? Check out the archives for a few hours of amusement and in this case, kitten mangling horror.

5.  If that’s not enough time wasting archive dwelling for you, try B3ta.com.  This forum has been going since 5 minutes before the big bang and is populated with some of the best bad ideas we’ve ever seen.  The site is totally devoted to the sharing of ideas for products that is describes as “completely fucking useless shit”.  With the likes of the Salmon Cannon, “firing your salmon has never been easier” and Dr Glomp’s Turd Polish we can’t really argue.

4.  Enough time wasting for you? Fancy doing something constructive? Darksites.com tore themselves away from animated vampire girls for long enough to help you take over the world.  The Evil Guide Plan helps those of a world dominating but indecisive nature to plot their rise to power.  Simply enter your desired goals and preferred methods and the Evil Guide Plan breaks it all down into 3 easy steps with fashion advice an agreeable ego stroking.

3.  Lego men are always smiling.  What have the got to look so smug about?  They don’t even had elbows or knees and yet they grin at you with their cylindrical heads with an unsettling superiority.  We hate Lego men with such a passion we can forgive these boys for being Canadian after what they did to this happy yellow chappy.

2. We’ve all dreamt of having sex with a robot we built in our parent’s garage.  Good news! It can be done.  Thanks to a guy called Zoltan you can now hump a creepy fembot to your lonely heart’s content.  Which is a sentence we’ve been dying to write since we got our Journalism degree.  There’s many an article been penned about Zoltan and his android humping ways.  The best is an in-depth account of science meeting heartbreak and Zoltan’s technical genius being unleashed “with a doll and some hacked teledildonics”.  There’s another line we wished we’d written.  The worst article out there is not worth reprinting but is titled “A Motherfucking Robot I Tells Ya.”

1. Now, this video is hosted on a Christian video sharing site.  We are aware of the irony of us mentioning it on our pages.  Especially in an article that condones using children as pint sized agents of crime and sex with robots. Even with our heretical ways this clip came close to melting our cynical exteriors.  These guys are 90, they don’t have long left.  The Reaper’s grasping at their shirt collars, ready to yank them into the hereafter.   But not before they’ve had a jolly good sing-song.  Watch it, grin despite yourself and then wonder how much urine was spilled during the performance.

Webthump utilises a team of 10,000 trained chimpanzees to enter random searches into Google.  After sifting through millions of banana related results we are left with 10 items worth publishing.  If you wish to join our team of chimps drop suggestions on our Facebook page or message us on Twitter.

Y’know rich, successful, universally adored and fancied Gwen Stefani? She’s not happy with her life. See, despite the fact that, now she’s single, she could do as she damn well pleases with whoever she goddamn wants to, she’s not liking the fact she’s a woman.

Poor Gwen. With those lovely woman boobs and lack of disgusting man-penis.

When Stefani comes back in the next life – which won’t happen because reincarnation absolutely doesn’t exist – she would like to come back as a human man.

She said:

“Until now I had two serious relationships. And one of the men I married!”

But has she missed out, what with having all that marriage?

“Absolutely not. A while ago a friend told me she dates two men simultaneously. That really blew me away! But in my next life I’m gonna come back as a man and behave like a bitch!”

She wants to come back as a man, but behave like a woman with two boyfriends?

Fine, whatever. If rumours are true that she’s splitting up with Gavin Rossdale (and you would totally dump him – have you heard Bush’s records? Exactly), then why doesn’t she stop this whole ‘waiting for reincarnation’ thing and just slag it up like the rest of us?

Well. Those of us lucky enough to attract other humans in a sexual way.

Either way, Gwen hasn’t learned her lesson at all and has a firm idea of what she finds appealing in a man. She is only attracted to people who are creative. Apparently, creative men are…

“super sexy”

Or, if you prefer ‘untrustworthy, impractical tramps’. Whatever floats your boat Gwen.

WAIT A MINUTE! SHE’S CALLED GWEN! WHAT IS SHE?! SOME KIND OF ’50s WELSH MINER’S WIFE? Sheesh. Can’t believe we only just noticed that.

Do you have a dog? Word to the wise – no-one actually cares. It’s your stupid, gristle-munching crap-factory and no-one else wants to deal with it outside of occasional petting of it when we have to visit your fur covered home that smells like dog’s teeth.

That’s because dogs are stupid. They’re impressively stupid. They walk into things, frighten themselves when flatulent and will forever be fooled by someone pretending to throw a ball for them. Dogs, in short, are idiots.

With that, someone ought to tell Eva Mendes who is ten shades of thrilled that she talks to her dog in French and is bowled over that it knows what she’s on about. Or rather, it has no idea.

Talking to those bright folks at Marie Claire about a stupid hound, Mendes says:

“It sounds so pretentious, but he learned his commands in French.”

Are we’re supposed to coo and whoop because, as well you know, when a celebrity has a dog, we have to care like they’ve had a baby (which we also don’t care about).

Se, Mendes brought a Belgian Malinois and called it Hugo. That doesn’t matter though. She could’ve called it ‘Bestiality’ or ‘Spadooey’ or a low guttural howl, and it would’ve eventually answered to it. Either way, Hugo was apparently ”rather intimidating”, yet, instantly obeyed Mendes’s orders for him to lie down or ‘act stupid’.

This awful, wretched beast has also bought her dog a beeper-controlled behavior-modification collar, whatever that means.

And so, Hugo talks French, mainly because Mendes talks French at it. You could grab a puppy and shout ‘testicles’ at it while presenting its lead and, HEY PRESTO! It will be under the impression that the medical word for balls means it will be going for a walk.

You could shout “Sie lassen mich sich erbrechen wünschen!” at a dog while pointing at the cupboard where you keep the food, and lo! It will think that the unpleasant German phrase means its dinnertime!

In short – people who talk about dogs should be punched up the arse. Forever.

He’s got creepy beady eyes and the skin tone of a bad waxwork model.  And the expressive acting of a bad wax work model.  And always seems to be standing awkwardly… like a bad wax work model.

Robert Pattinson, human or wax work, is mind bogglingly famous, the sort of famous that makes teenage girls soil themselves in excited glee at the sound of his name.  Which is odd for someone so incredibly dull.

Showing himself to be surprisingly aware of the world outside of his corner Madame Tussauds Pattinson has made the least shocking revelation ever to make headlines.  The statement also runs the risk of bursting his own fame bubble as his fans realise just how unremarkable he his.  Unremarkable and likely to melt in hot conditions.

The quote which may be the most misguided statment since the mayor of Hiroshima said “it’s only one plane, how much damage can it do?” Pattinson is reported to have announced to the world;

“Doing something like Twilight opens doors and it closes others. You can say, ‘Oh if I was still unknown, then no one would judge me.’ But at the same time, nobody would give a shit either.”

Which is very, very true Mr Pattinson. We do judge you, to be rather uninteresting and impossibly pale for someone made of meat.

You only get that passing glimmer of attention because you were That Guy In Twilight.  And weren’t you shagging That Lass From Twilight?

You still are, but you’re keeping it secret from the world?  To appear more interesting?  Good luck with that.

See, Pattinson is half right.  We don’t really care that much. We give less of a shit, more of a skidmark.

Its a matter of weeks since Beyonce and Jay Z popped out a sprog in a hospital which they cordoned off all for themselves (probably leaving patients to die in the street or something), and they’re already out getting drunk like irresponsible thugs.

Seriously. Blue Ivy Carter’s head hasn’t even had the chance to form over the fontanelle yet, the poor neglected thing!

Yet still, this ghoulish pair don’t care one jot, going out and drinking shots and champagne without a care where their child is. Blue Ivy was probably locked in the car or something. It’s all so unspeakably awful that we’re crying here. CRYING.

Hova and Bey stayed out ’til arout 4 am at Jiggaman’s club 40/40 according to various people staring at some drunk celebrities, clearly having nothing better to do with their evening.

An obviously concerned source noted that Beyonce attended the afterparty:

“She arrived with her mother, Tina Knowles ,” and her mother-in-law, Gloria Carter. After “sprinting through a side entrance” shortly before midnight, Beyoncé toured the club for the first time since its renovation”

So far, so spectacularly dull.

However, Beyonce was seen sipping ‘what appeared to be a glass of bubbly’ around 3am, while tottering around in a cleavage-erupting red dress and embroidered Christian Louboutin shoes like some kind of expensive prostitute… and all the while, Jay stuck around ’til kicking-out time, throwing drinks down his famous, but irresponsible neck with Nas and some marketing bozo called Steve Stoute.

All the while, Blue Ivy was nowhere to be seen. Out of sight, out of mind.

We can only hope for that poor, poor child’s sake, that she won’t be left to fend for herself in the wild again with her awful parents off having the time of their lives like they don’t have an obligation to look after their newborn.

This is all incredibly troubling. It seems Jay Z meant it when he rapped ‘I got 99 problems but my newly born daughter ain’t one’.

We’re legally obliged to parody 99 Problems. Sorry.

Iggy Pop impersonator Jennifer Aniston has gone on record to pooh-pooh the constant merry-go-round of slack-jawed speculation about her six-year-dead marriage to professional handsomeness salesman Brad Pitt, and her supposed feud with terrifying hose beast Angelina Jolie.

When Instyle US magazine asked Jennifer which misconception about her she finds most irritating, they were probably expecting her to come out with a light hearted quip about “people think I’m really like Rachel from Friends LOL I’m still milking that dry dry udder!”

However, she actually went on a sort of rambly rant about her divorce.

Aniston said of her annoyance:

“Which one? There are so many. I would say the triangle with my ex-husband – and that there’s a feud there. It’s constant. It’s a story headline that won’t go away, but it’s a money thing – (people make money off) a story that has nothing to do with reality.”

As if to prove something, she then waffled interminably about her new lover, Justin cousin-of-Louis Theroux, just long enough that the interviewers didn’t notice the delicious irony in her flagrant perpetuation of the very misconception she professes to despise.

But we’re onto you, Aniston. We’re onto you because we are serious investigative journalists with a keen nose for delicious irony.

We suppose, though, in a way, we kind of sympathise. Lots of people think we are locked in a steamy love triangle with two Hollywood stars, when actually we haven’t felt the warm touch of another human hand for ages, so the jokes on them.

Losers.

This was a guest post by Becca Day-Preston who in fact, is fighting them off with a large, shitty stick

Piers Morgan, the ever lovable former Daily Mirror editor and man for whom the word smarmy was invented, certainly has gotten his large, soiled knickers in a twist of late.

We’re not even half way through the week and he’s already attempted to take some cheap shots at 2 people who are infinitely more famous and loved than him.

It’s the equivalent of the school weed slagging off the popular kids because they won’t invite him to their fancy pool parties when their parents go to Tuscany for the weekend.

On Monday, Morgan went on Chelsea Lately, one of the billions of late night talk shows more popular than his own in the States, to have a pop at Madonna, claiming that the baby catcher’s Super Bowl performance was akin to that of, “a gruesome drunken Aunt.”

TAKE THAT MADONNA! You just got served. Piers Morgan, a man who will struggle to get the same amount of viewers all year that you got during your brief Super Bowl half-time show, just told you how it went down!

Why don’t you start acting your age and visit a W.I. meeting once in a while, huh!?

After dispatching of her Madgesty, Piers pointed his pistol of perfunctory towards former footballer, Match of the Day presenter and UN ambassador for crisps, Gary Lineker.

Morgan decided to brag to the former Spurs star about a review he got in the San Fransisco Chronicle, praising his talents as a football pundit on Fox TV. Lineker went on to question how long Morgan had spent searching for that, lone, positive review, to which Morgan replied, one can only assume with a look of post-mastubatory smugness plastered across his sweaty brow:

“I currently air in 200 countries/territories – how you getting on? #SmallPondMinnow”

Despite forgetting to mention that even though he’s aired in 200 territories, he still only draws a crowd of about 6, Morgan mopped the mix of bile and man lather from his keyboard and went to make a cup of tea, safe in the knowledge that he’d given Gary Lineker, ‘a Madonna.’

But our Gary isn’t Madonna, he doesn’t take things lying down, or from Malawi, he rebutted Morgan’s smugspunk with this:

“I think the 2 world cups I played in probably edged that.”

BAM! He had Morgan on the ropes, but wasn’t finished yet, fearing Morgan could possibly steal his presenting gig, Salt and Lineker wound up and struck the final, devastating blow to Morgan’s inflated ego:

“Spoke to the powers that be at the BBC and they are very interested in you… staying in America”

He may work for Walkers, but Lineker is definitely the Real McCoy.

Sorry.

Poor famous people. They get plebs saying nasty things to them, which is of course, completely different to the lives of us normal troglodytes who spend an eternity being thoroughly pleasant to each other, without cross words ever uttered.

One such sad case is Kylie who has had to call the police because someone wrote some nasty words on twitter.

No, honestly.

Kylie (real name Jason Donovan) took to twitter (aka The confession booth for the rich and famous) to tell all her followers about the abuse she had suffered, calling her stalker a “weirdo” and adding that she had alerted the police about their  tweets.

Kylie – who irritatingly calls all of her fans ‘lovers’ after she’d noticed Lady GaGa had come up with a specific nickname for all her fans – posted on her official page:

“I love 1,033,861 of you LOVERS, but 1 is not a lover, just a deluded weirdo making threats #andthatdoesnotmakeyouspecial So…police alerted.”

In fairness to the mental one, calling the police on them DOES make them special. If they weren’t getting special treatment, you’d be phoning the police about all your fans, right Kylie?

Naturally, Minogue’s Lovers were mobilised enough to then retweet her message in some kind of pointless support, with one writing:

“I hope whoever’s threatening @kylieminogue knows there’s more than 1,000,000 of us ready to jump to her defence.”

WHAT WILL THEY DO? Set up a nasty Tumblr?! Seethe through a hashtag? Stomp around their living rooms for a bit shouting at the ether? Listen to ‘Spinning Around’ REALLY LOUDLY?

Honestly. If Kylie had an army, it would be under 5ft tall and all sickly and thin, reeking of poppers and microwavable pizzas.

Lana Del Rey has had her whole adult life and creative outlets bankrolled by her insanely wealthy father and, at various points nearly gave it all up because she had to actually work a little to get anywhere. However, thickos on the internet came to the rescue and made her an overnight sensation!

Things were all going to (a carefully executed by a PR company) plan as she readied her new album! She was going to become a superstar! The golden goose had actually delivered!

The key cog would be a performance on Saturday Night Live! Lana would sing, everyone would swoon and rush out to buy her album, learn all the hackneyed lyrics and eagerly await the tour announcement. She opened her mouth to her largest audience yet and… oh dear… she ended up sounding like a cow in labour. The plan was ruined.

And so, the tour which Del Rey was supposed to do has been postponed, thanks to everyone finding out she can’t sing at all.

Her dreadful, near lifeless performance on SNL is squarely being blamed.

Next month, the Video Games singer was supposed to kick off a 30-date tour across America, but alas, thanks to revealing to all that she croons like a whale with it’s dick in a vice, she’s thought it best to call the whole thing off and book some singing lessons, stat.

A source tells the New York Post gossip column Page Six:

“(Lana) and her manager decided to cancel (the tour) after SNL. She was very upset. They figure it allows time for her to clear her head, then go back to selling tickets. More importantly, they figure the extra time gives them more distance from SNL.”

Of course, THAT SNL PERFORMANCE has already been sent-up by Kristen Wiig (see it here) which, well, almost sticks-up for the tuneless, preening Del Rey, but either way, what happens now is that the singer will now go away, work on her vocals and come-to-bed-eyes while her management rethinks the live shows and the entire trajectory of her impossibly orchestrated career.

God, this’ll be tedious.

This week hecklerscope has been tirelessly fiddling with the planets in order to bring you a completely accurate and not at all fictional account of what lies in store for you this week and all because in our own way, we love you.

You’re like the children we never wanted.

Ready to be dazzled and amazed? Well are you? You’d better be because reading the movements of celestial bodies is thirsty work (please send alcohol to numb this awful weight which we carry, okay?).

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

Just one week left to get a date for Valentine’s Day! Once we’ve stopped laughing we’ll get back to you on how to do this.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

The stars play a huge part in your life this week when you show a Leo just how much you care in the local park. You also accidentally show a Scorpio and a Pisces and are beaten up in prison by a Virgo.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Gemini are a year older than they were this time last year.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

You can relax. Despite your sign’s name you will never, EVER get this disease.  However, if there was a sign called recurring yeast infection, we couldn’t make the same bold statement.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

We don’t know much. But we know we love you. And that may be all you need to know.  That and your cat hates you.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

The planets have been discussing you and quite frankly they’re as disgusted with you as everyone else in your life.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

This week you sleep with all of your followers on Twitter. Congratulations! You’ve just made two spambots very happy.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

You receive a surprise phone call on Wednesday! It’s from Rocky Dennis. He wants his face back.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

A work colleague complains about the cold this week for the 17th time so you set fire to his desk and he never mentions it again.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

For once in your miserable life things go the way you want them to.  New car, new boyfriend and the only thing that stops us from feeling bitter about this is what lies in store for you next week. Two words. Closed casket.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

We’re pleased to tell you that your house isn’t haunted! Oh no, that creepy girl who’s been crawling across your bedroom floor every night is very much alive and dangerous.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

You can’t help feeling like your lonely life is just one poorly written joke. ‘Knock Knock.’ Who’s there? No-one.  You’re right!

Well all know that Kim Kardashian is the very pinnacle of media whoredom, leapfrogging other visionaries as Paris Hilton, Tulisa Contostavlos and the rest of the Kardashian sisters, to the crown of Most Annoying Slag 2012. And we all know why, because she wants to show everything that happens through the medium of television, even though her television shows are so tucked and trimmed that if they were pies, they would be the most disgusting tasting pies ever. Though they would look great.

But what happens when TV turns against her? We’ve seen public opinion of the Kardashian Klan flip recently with claims of her marriage being a sham; even her soon to be ex-husband is throwing some fuel onto the hair extension, Sketchers-advertising fire, with news reaching us that he wants to show the divorce trial ON TV.

In a move that will take the Kardashian/Humphries debacle into a whole new universe of meta-awareness, we’ll be watching them divorce live on TV! Which is very Matrix isn’t it?

You have to wonder which pill Kim took, just so we know which one not to take. It’s at times like this that we’d rather be in a pod, having our very essence drained from us, than know that somewhere Kim Kardashian is swanning around thinking she’s Queen Poop or something.

Kris Humphries and his lawyer, Lee Hutton, are wanting to “expose the M.O. of reality TV” by showing that K. Kardashian had as much intention of staying married to him than we do of using anything that the Kardashian Kartel advertise. Humphries is also claiming that Kim only wanted big ratings for her show. Which anyone could have told him. Helen Keller could have told him that.

According to TMZ, who would NEVER lie or speculate wildly, Kim has filed for divorce on the grounds of ‘irreconcilable differences’ which probably means he didn’t want to sit and brush her hair a hundred times each night, whereas he wants the marriage to be annulled on grounds of ‘fraud.’ Which is a bit scary isn’t it?

Just like every other Kardashian news, Kris Jenner has stuck her beaky beak in with some objections. She thinks that the publicity that Humphries has gained has made him a much more pleasing opportunity when it comes to marketing himself, even though having anything to do with that family will leave a 666 tattooed on your scalp, and that they drew up and long and complicated pre-nuptial agreement that Jenner is saying that Kim wouldn’t have bothered doing if she was only intending to stay married for a matter of days. Even though it was probably Jenner who drew up the agreement in the first place.

To be honest, seeing anyone wipe the self serving smile off any one of the Kardashian’s faces is A-OK with us. They’re very awful.

Karl Lagerfeld has the feminists and fat chicks bunching their panties in disgust over his latest outburst.

Remember. This is an outburst from an old man who works in the fashion industry.

We don’t know what magic mirror Lagerfeld is looking into, but despite looking like an anorexic-shell-less-tortoise/panda hybrid, Lagerfeld takes it upon himself to be the aesthetic judge of the universe. And this time, he’s decided to pass judgement on Adele. You can see where this is going can’t you?

However, we can’t help but think he has a point here: speaking of rotund songbird Adele , the spindly one said:

“She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice.”

Right. And this is news to who? Lagerfeld might as well have stated that bears like to defecate in woods, or that Lindsay Lohan probably won’t be around to pick up her pension.

Considering his previous pearls of wisdom have included his theory on ugly men being the largest cause of Russian lesbianism, how no-one loves a fat chick and that all Greek have filthy habits, Adele got off pretty lightly. He didn’t even recycle a Yo Mumma joke or that one about fat chicks being like vespas.

Extra credit: Phil or Karl? Which quote is from loveable rogue Prince Phillip, and which is pure Karl.

1. Nobody wants Greece to disappear, but they have really disgusting habits. Italy as well.
2. People in magazines are 50% bimbo and 50% pregnant women.
3. What are you doing here? Well, you didn’t have to come.
4. My thing is to work more than the others to show them how useless they are
5. (Talking about Beijing) Ghastly
6. Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!
7. I’m rather pro-prostitution
8. Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?
9. I have no human feelings
10. (Talking about Stoke-On-Trent) Ghastly

Answers on reverse of page

Hey! Comic nerds! Fancy picking holes in something? Then step right up, because we’ve got the newest teaser of the new web-slinging flick, The Amazing Spider-Man, which has been trailed at special preview events around the world.

The latest incarnation of Spiderman (it’s pronounced like a surname, etc) is played by Andrew Garfield, and we get to see the full thing – and berate it for not being quite right – in July.

So what can we expect? Well, this time ’round, we’ll see Peter Parker being bullied at school. Yep. Bullied like a big wimp. No wonder he had a chip on his shoulder. We also see the usual testing of web-firing gadgets and, better yet, the birth of the villainous Lizard played by Rhys Ifans (the one in the underpants in that film).

Director Marc Webb (apt name! He definitely hasn’t heard that one before) says:

“I think there are a lot of things from the Spider-Man canon that haven’t yet been explored cinematically. This movie really starts off with Peter Parker and his parents, which is something we’ve never really seen before, and I think that was something we were all really interested in exploring as filmmakers.”

Yes, but are we popcorn munching dimwits going to be interested in exploring it as viewers, huh?

Meanwhile, Emma Stone (who will be playing Gwen Stacey – Peter Parker’s other love interest away from the irritating MJ) told fans in Rio de Janeiro that Gwen and Mary Jane Watson (remember, she was played by Kirsten Dunst in the previous films) are “polar opposites,” while Rhys Ifans said in London that his character, Dr. Curt Connors, who becomes the Lizard, has “a very complex and emotional” link to Parker.

The bad news about this film is that it features music from the Rolling Stones and Coldplay.

Anyway, you have a look at this teaser and make your own stupid minds up. We’re sick of constantly wiping your arses for you and telling you what to think.

Seriously. Grow up.

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 3D – Official Trailer /… by Lyricis

Okay. Credit where credit is due: Madonna’s halftime show at the Super Bowl was pretty brilliant. That’s even taking into account that LMFAO showed up and the always disappointing MIA flipped the bird in an attempt to show her terrible hipster fans that she hadn’t ‘sold out’.

And so, if the Super Bowl show was anything to go by, Madge’s announcement that she will be going on a tour of the world should be met with some excitement.

Provided of course, her new LP (dubbed ‘MDNA’) isn’t a gigantic brown trout of a release.

Madge will go on tour from May, starting in Israel (can’t see her causing loads of trouble there) before moving on to Europe, with legs in South America and Australia, where she has not performed for 20 years.

The 2012 World Tour will be the first jaunt for someone we’re legally obliged to call ‘Material Girl’ at least once in this article since her “Sticky & Sweet Tour” in 2008/9. She’ll be stopping off in cities including London, Edinburgh, Paris, Milan, Abu Dhabi and Berlin.

The tour starts on May 29th in Tel Aviv, then buggers off to Abu Dhabi and Istanbul in early June. Then, she’ll take her circus to Europe, which concludes on August 21st in Nice, France.

The North American, South American and Australian legs don’t have dates yet, so stop stomping your feet and whinging about it. She just likes the Middle East and Europe best, okay?

Either way, if her new album turns out to be a howler, at least she’s got a very impressive back-catalogue to lean on.

Failing that, she can just hire a young popstar to come on-stage with her and make a vaguely rude hand gesture or, better yet, she can try and outdo her Britney-kiss and have full-on, fisting sex with Adele or something.

And who wouldn’t want to see that?

Winona Ryder once said: “Dear diary, my teen angst bullshit now has a body count,” clearly she was watching Skins where, in the opening three episodes of the season, two people have been brutally butchered from the cast list. We haven’t seen one funeral.

In fact the closest we come to Richard Curtis territory is a seaside elegy and mere reference to a wedding. Obviously this is too inherently British for the residents of Bristol who are more content to wallow.

It’s all getting totes emosh up in here which is no doubt why the writers this week introduced us all to a new plucky character to reconfigure the group dynamic. He’s gay too, so that not-graphic-enough-sex-scene ticks another demographic box for the youth enveloping programme.

New Gay and dice man about town Alex got the spotlight this evening along with fag-hag Liv who’s back on the booze and off the rails, on fine form as all of her associates decide that communication is overrated. Instead, they opt for a series of scowls, smiles, and generally fraught looks.

Alex, despite the weird face and normal name, was actually a rather good character to introduce at such a late stage. They brought him in shrouded in a smug cloud of smuggish mystery, like an amateur Derren Brown looking for work in a bowling alley, but he turned out to be a well-rounded young man who actually introduced the concept of ‘see you at college’ to the group.

Obviously nobody saw anyone at college because this programme is teaching us all that you don’t need to learn things – you just need to know how to cheat at poker. We can recommend the DVD special features on the film 21 if you’re looking for a quick guide to card counting. Or just watch The Real Hustle if you can bear it.

Anyway, it was a strangely melancholy episode for Skins. With half of the cast dead or mysteriously absent, it only left a few faces to glumly teach us the art of the awkward silence and boy did they stay stony faced in solidarity. You know when your friend dies and you just knock back a few shots and don’t move on? That is exactly what happened for an hour last night on E4 – at least we had it in HD is all we’re saying. Of course it wouldn’t be Skins if there wasn’t time for a few parties, a quick flash of the tits and some reciting of Nietzsche.

Dead Grace would have loved the send-off, but she might have wondered where her boyfriend was. Rich, hi if you’re reading this –  please do come back and tell us you’re not in a mental institution for hallucinating all those moments with the one you loved after she had been dead at least 24 hours, cheers.

Frankly nothing really happened this week and it is easily the best episode of the series so far, which is a bit backwards. This is possibly because this mundanity is what being a teenager is actually like. It’s not smuggling drugs in the desert and the like. It’s sitting around, not knowing what to say.

It won’t last though. TV won’t allow a character to languish. It’ll be bags of ket in no time, with yawning predictability.