Let's talk about boobs, baby. Let's drag up a story from 25th February and blame Fearne Cotton. Let's use the words Holly Willoughby, cleavage and nipples in the intro because it will get us more hits.
Back in 2004, Holly Willoughby was working as a children's TV presenter. During a live broadcast for morning noise-fest Ministry Of Mayhem her breasts wobbled out of her top for all the kids to see and applaud. Fast forward four years and she very nearly repeats the incident on ITV1's flagship reality show Dancing on Ice – only this time with added middle-aged men wanking into a frenzy.
Dancing on Ice’s producers received a total of five complaints out of eight million viewers. That is five miserly old bints who phoned up and said, "I would like to express my disgust at Holly Willoughby's dress. It was too revealing and this has upset my children. Plus my husband won't come out of the bathroom."
Important to note here that this ‘uproar’ was over what might have happened as opposed to what did. Her breasts might have fallen out of her dress. They didn't, believe us we YouTubed this to high heaven, but they might have.
Omnipresent TV chest-pain Fearne Cotton is Holly Willoughby's best mate. She doesn't have massive boobs, but is probably in less danger of becoming fat in her thirties and having to wear a support bra the size of a hammock. She is massively annoying though with the grating pitch of a deaf and dumb East End market trader, so there is a trade off.
Talking to The Sun about Holly's dress sense, Fearne had this to say:
"It seems weird that there is so much fuss over Holly's boobs when they are obviously really great. We all know Holly Willoughby has the most amazing figure ever. Anyway she's always dressed like that. She loves the 50s style fashion which oozes glamour. It only got about five complaints. It's all a bit of fun and she shouldn't change."
Woe betide us for berating any attractive woman who flirts with partial nudity, but surely Fearne has missed the point of this whole furore, just as we have missed the point of her very existence? No-one is saying there is anything wrong with 'Holly's boobs', just that maybe she doesn’t need to parade them around like two sexy prizewinning cantaloupes all the time.
We are evidently in a quandary here. Torn between journalistic integrity to report the news in a snarky way and not really caring less if both Holly Willoughby and Fearne Cotton spend the rest of their TV careers half-naked and covered in baby oil.
If nothing else perhaps we can add fuel to the debate of why women are now bigger busted than ever before, which is supposedly attributable to 'genes' and a growing trend for 'curvy' figures.
Of course most of the women saying this are overweight, single and running gossip rags in Fleet Street. They also neglect to mention that (fact fans, here we go) while the UK's average bra size has jumped from a 34b to a 36c in just ten years, the average waist size has risen from 27.5" to a whopping 34" since the 1950s. That's fatter than Robbie Williams (who? Ex-singer, eats children), or thereabouts.
But for anyone worried that Holly Willoughby will no longer be wearing revealing dresses because she is too afraid of losing her job – don't be. ITV bosses would be more likely to sack themselves before Holly, and though we are sure the official company line remains 'Do not wear such low-cut dresses Holly, you naughty, naughty girl or I'll put you over my knee', the actual insinuation will always be 'Lower, flimsier as much as possible before the watershed.'
In no attempt to appease the controversy over her dress code, Holly told Metro:
"I'll just have two purple sequins. Carefully placed."
For those wondering (and that has to be most of you by now), the grand final of Dancing on Ice is on ITV1 this Sunday, 16th March at 7.00 PM. We are holding a special after-show party and boob flash down-a-pint drinking game. Though if Fearne Cotton shows up we are moving onto halves.
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