Politics, what a lot of cobblers. Full of posh and privately educated individuals, the humble person on the street has to work out what's a lie, or just fabrication. Politicians have a long way to go before the general public appreciate them. Ever seen an MP sticker book? Only people who are liked get this accolade, like randy, closeted footballers.
From what we can gather, the coalition government blames Labour for any problem affecting the UK and they're here to mend the problems.
This week, David Cameron takes his Conservative minions to Manchester to tell the country how wonderful a job he's doing and state future plans whilst making terrible jokes. But in a leaked document that was stuffed through the letterbox of the hecklerspray bedsit, we've seen potential policies that were scrapped at the last moment. Learning from tricks of the trade from one Tory predecessor Margaret Thatcher, one of proposals will shock you to the core.
It's going to be a tough week for the Tories. Firstly, the entire party has had to travel to Manchester which is in the north of England.
Imagine the thought of having to leave the perfect land of London where an item in a pound shop costs a fiver and clean air doesn't exisit.
But more importantly we've been given a glimpse into proposed plans that were designed to put more stress on the UK population.
Cooked up by David Cameron and his whipping boys, we?d be here all day summarising them all, but below are a few that would have immediately sparked off more riots if given the green light.
Shake Up Of Breast Milk Use
According to the leaked document that's now in our possession, the Tories want to emulate countries such as Iraq and Saudi Arabia who are rich in natural resources. However the government accepts the fact that it has to invade other nations for oil and wants to somehow make money on a commodity that is already available.
As a parent, David Cameron knows that babies aren't always hungry during a feed. Proposed measures would have forced a parent to supply milk from one breast to their child whilst a powerful suction machine empties the other. The extracted milk would be bottled, sold to developing nations and sent to orphanages worldwide.
Removal Of The 1p and 2p Coin
After listening to rap star Jay-Zs track ?99 Problems?, Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne had his own eureka moment whilst looking a pile of money. Relating to the common people, Mr Osborne knows that purchasing goods and items for 99p can quickly make a wallet or purse, bulge with coins that can be hard to spend. Mr Osborne confidently stated that valuable pennies are simply thrown away and not spent. Removing them from circulation would pay a small chunk of nation?s debt off.
This idea would have been implemented after the Manchester conference with the immediate removal of this currency but Tory peers worried how the public would react. In certain areas of the community, such as the individual who asks for 2p for their bus ticket, may get complacent and plot revenge through violent means. The suggestion of reintroducing the coins back to the nation once major debts were paid off was met with howling laughter.
Making A Political Triangle
Rarely do governments have to share power and ideas with opposing parties. At the moment, the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats are best chums with each other. David Cameron has ensured everyone has an equal slice of political cake apart from Nick Clegg who all students once saw as a pin-up poster boy. But what about Labour? Where are they in this political jigsaw? David Milliband may be a limp leader in David Cameron?s eyes, and he planned to use this to his advantage.
One of the most shocking plans hecklerspray saw was for David Cameron to welcome Tony Blair into the coalition stronghold as his chief advisor, thus breaking down political boundaries that have existed for centuries. A silence echoed through the Tory headquarters as fellow MP?s tried to grasp the idea of appointing a man who stopped multiple Conservative attempts to gain office in the past. His experience was deemed to be priceless but due to the elite Tory mindset, the idea was rejected due to Tony Blair being from the north. Someone may have muttered ‘mass murderer’ as well, but that’s just stupid. It’s war, not killing, dummy.
So as you see the various Conservative speakers smiling and attempting to convince you that their political vision is working, just remember, hecklerspray has uncovered a few things they doesn't make for happy reading if you're that politically inclined.
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