Spoilers. Not what Phil Mitchell would fix to the back of a car in his garage, were he not so high on crack fumes all the time, but rather, dramatic spoilers.
?What's going to happen next in EastEnders??, that's what you want to know, and you don't care about simple things like good drama needing the element of surprise, you just want to be able to ruin it for all your friends, and get there first.
So, here goes. We at hecklerspray haven't seen these episodes either, but we have read about them, and how unpredictable can they really be? So, here goes…
Later this week, Peggy wants to cheer up Ronnie (good luck with that) and suggests a family dinner ? bound to end well. Ronnie tries to be upbeat (doubt it) and agrees to go, but her confidence cracks when Glenda turns up at R&R and wants to explain herself. Fairly easily broken confidence there, Ronnie. It's not like you tried to beat the world record for something but just lost out, your mum just turned up looking to explain herself, and you're a wreck again.
Anyway, wheelchair bound, big-eared Jack wastes no time in telling Glenda to leave. Later, at The Vic, Glenda has a talk with Peggy and implores her for a second chance with her daughters, but Ronnie is furious when she sees her. Peggy tells Ronnie that, despite everything, Glenda is still her mum, but Ronnie and Roxy both say that Peggy is more of a mum than Glenda has ever been (bad luck), so easily swayed Peggy tells Glenda to leave. She's such a good mum, she married Ronnie?s rapist, didn't believe her and has now banished her real mum, the perfect Mitchell matriarch.
Later, at the family meal, Aunt Sal and Peggy have a heated row. Sal argues that the people present at the meal are not her close, blood family, which, like a man attacking a geography teacher?s trousers, strikes a chord. Peggy realises that what she really wants is Phil, so she heads over to number 27 to find him and apologise. When she arrives, she discovers him sat on the living room floor, off his head, with drug paraphernalia strewn around him.
I'm guessing that isn't leaflets about not sharing needles or stuff like that (that's maybe more drugs pamphlets), but rather crack pipes, maybe some roach ends, rizla, pills and tabs of acid ? EastEnders has no doubt got Phil on every drug going by now. Oh, and Who albums of course ? Phil can't get off his box without a good blast of Townshend and Daldrey.
Some other convoluted nonsense is going on with Max, Darren, Harry, Vanessa and Jodie, but be honest, do you really care? Me neither. The sooner they kick all these B characters out, the better.
Meanwhile, Carol goes on her date with Lewis (poor fella); Peggy tells Billy that he and Jay can move into The Vic (which is bigger ? the amount of hidden bedrooms above the pub or the amount of sad sap humiliation Billy can take?), Zsa Zsa asks Mercy for a place to stay (crazy names, crazy girls); and Shirley calls together an emergency meeting in a bid to help Phil.
Back to Peggy. She realises that Shirley knew that Phil was taking drugs and they argue. Shirley blames Peggy’s mothering skills for Phil being the way he is (true), while Peggy responds by firing Shirley and throwing her out of the pub (the Mitchell way in action). Peggy later pays Phil another visit and offers to help him, but he shakes her, insults her and tells her to shut up (standard Mitchell tenderness, then). After Peggy slaps Phil hard around the face, he marches her out of the house and slams the door behind her.
Peggy tells Pat that she has pushed all of her family away. She only hopes it isn’t too late for her to sort out her relationship with jailbird Sam. But when she goes to see her daughter in prison, Sam also says she doesn’t need her, which is pretty bad as Sam has always been the most useless, needy Mitchell of them all. As Sam stands, Peggy sees that she is heavily pregnant?
Meanwhile, Carol tells Bianca that her date with Lewis was a disaster and she doesn’t want to talk about it, but Bianca discovers she's lying, as she's scared of getting hurt and has lost confidence in her looks. So, slightly creepily, Bianca asks Ricky to tell Carol she is ?fit?. Then Bianca seems jealous over Ricky flattering Carol and grills him about whose legs are better! (Ugly) women, eh?!
Now onto next week: Minty proves himself to Sam by making the ultimate commitment in the first visit of the week to Walford ? presumably he asks her to marry him and doesn't just tell her he's becoming a priest.
Elsewhere, Vanessa bonds with Abi, and Ian pines after his youth. When was that exactly? Hasn't he been running a business since he was about 12?
Meanwhile, Christian finds Syed the perfect job… no, not what you're thinking, smutty. That wouldn't be at all appropriate for a pre-watershed soap opera, a bit like a dad smoking crack. Oh.
Ian and Jane are shocked when their kids are accused of cheating. Not sure why they're shocked, Lucy has already proven to be a grade A mentalist and Peter has stupid hair. Also they're Ian?s kids, and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree… unless it's on the top of a hill.
Meanwhile, Minty seeks solace in Heather (again?) and Max is stopped in his tracks when Dot presents him with a gift. What could it be? Money off at Dominos? A voucher to sponsor an African child or donkey? The mind boggles.
Jane protects her family only to find they’re the ones who’ve betrayed her. Heather gets a scare but Minty is there to help. No doubt offering her another ?shoulder? to cry on (but not lean on, she's too heavy), the confused moron.
And Christian and Roxy’s drunken behaviour alarms Syed. He is a Muslim, after all.
While Jane stands by a life-changing decision (sex change?), Tam refuses to pretend that his brother doesn’t exist, while all the viewers wish that HE didn't exist, the boring geek. So, there it is ? part spoiler, part teaser, that goes to show it's all going off on EastEnders! Well, sort of. OK, not particularly. What did you expect? The whole country is on holiday.
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