As you may have read yesterday, the world briefly paused for a moment and shrivelled in size due to the taunts thrown at Susan Boyle. Come on now, it isn't like we've all been trained to make fun of people who are clearly different to the social norm. Ginger folk, glasses wearers, bald people and the left handed types will have probably received some verbal anger from the trendy Topshop nation
Roll several elements in to one and it will be almost impossible to resist taunting someone you'd never ever meet in real life. Cue Britain?s Got Talent to offer us Susan Boyle who looked a) a complete mess, b) slightly mental, c) suffering with delusion that she could sing and worst of all was d) Scottish.
Once she opened her gob, we knew that point ?c? could be removed but ?a?, ?b? and ?d? would still haunt her. Such as incidents on trains. But fear not Susan Boyle, someone from X-Factor loves you!
If you watched X-Factor on Saturday or just read about the red hot scandal of shit people being helped out with editing techniques, you'd have heard about eighteen year old Gamu Nhengu. Amazingly, she was a normal person who wasn?t told by her family she was the best thing ever, despite everyone knowing she sounded like an abandoned cat in a wheelie bin. Hooray for Gamu ? or Gammon as we've accidently called her, she progressed to musical concentration boot camp.
Gamu Nhengu doesn't really have much in common with Susan Boyle. Taking away the obvious visual differences, there is also the ease of which Simon Cowell can cast a wicked spell on such a young talent and groom her to be as dull as Leona Lewis or more upbeat like Alexander Burke. But stop everything, we're not just typing an extreme excess of words to make sure this article fills its quota of words, the two have something that bonds them. It's not vocal style or the name of their cat, it's the fact they both live in Scotland. See, the country has more than just Irn-Bru and deep fried everything.
Speaking to stv.tv, Gamu said:
?Wow! She's got a set of lungs doesn't she? She's amazing!?
If it does emerge that Susan Boyle has no lungs and is somehow producing sounds through her unused vagina then we?d delete all the negative stories we've ever published about her. Given the trend for collaborations of late, then expect the two to join forces together and release a single when Scotland stop being shit at football and qualify for a Euro or World Cup tournament. Tediously called I Dreamt A Dream Of Walking On Sunshine At Whatever Tournament It Is.
Scrap that actually, the average life expectancy in Scotland is only twenty-six. This won't be happening anytime soon.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter